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Jetplague
October 28th, 2010, 02:41 PM
I'm in the process of re-editing this one. But at least it something to place on the boards and get the opinions in. This story has been with me for a long time. I've re-written it several times and might do so again if need be.



The End Of Time -
Somewhere in Middle America, inside the almost run down police station, a man sits in a room with a bright light from above shinning down on him. This shady looking character has the look of someone who hadn't seen or taken a shower in a long time. Posturing in the chair slumped back in an almost non-comfortable way, his face is all mossy with facial hair, and has look of a man that is going out of his mind. The door slams as a rather burly slob of a detective enters, Harry Plonti, a guy that likes his donuts and coffee two hours cold. A real gumshoe of a cop. He walks in glaring at his prisoner now sitting at the table in front of him, three other people are in the room with them, but not fixating on those individuals, he proceeds to start his interrogation placing a tape recorder on the cold metal table where his icy cold coffee has been waiting for him.

As the police recorder began to play in the questioning room, the detective Harry Plonti took a sip of his cold cup of coffee. He merely glanced at the two officers that were in the room with him near the back, and then raised his head towards Sally, the social worker. A nice looking dark haired woman with disapproving eyes as she catches eye contact with the bulky detective. Finally he looks over at the cuffed male prisoner sitting across the table and uttered out his first words at him.

Alright, let's take this from the beginning. State your name for the record." The prisoner didn't even glance his way. "Your name! Say your name!" The man only blinked.

Please, the officer just wants to get your name ....please?" Sally intervened.

John... The un- shaven man looked up at her.

John? Your name is John?

The man nodded as he turned his head towards the detective. Plonti gave John a look over; the man was cut and bruised in numerous places, from resisting arrest no doubt. But his clothes looked different, tattered and dirty; they didn't look like anything from today's fashion either.

John what? John Lennon...John Gotti...John the baptist...WHAT?" The detective leaned in towards him.

Does it matter!! John screamed in return.

Your damn right it matters! You broke in to a science lab, you tried to steal valuable equipment and you resisted arrest from ten officers of the law!!! If you dont give me an explanation of what you were up to, I'll can your butt back into that lovely cell of yours!!!!!"

You wouldn't understand. And I don't have the time for this nonsense. John smirked and calmly replied.

Harry was furious and almost ready to explode, but Sally raised her hand towards Plonti to make him calm. She then looked at John with a caring stare.

"John, at least try to explain what you wanted from that research lab that you broke into, why did you need to go in there? Did you need to sell something for money? Are you angry at the company for something....?"

No, no, no. John interrupted her, I needed the guidance system. I really need the guidance system they've been working on, I need it now or else it will be too late."

Sally touched his hand as the detective walked to the barred window for cigarette.

What will be too late? Too late for what?"

The cigarette smoke filled the air as Harry looked down at him as he spoke.

For ...my...Time shifter...

Sally leaned back in shear woe.

Your what? Time shifter?! The detective snickered at him, What the hell is that?!!

Its a laser that warps the sub-dimensional fabric of time that creates a window towards any destination I give." John stated as he looked at Sally and Harry.

The cops all have a good laugh. Detective Harry is nearly in tears over the outlandish statement that John just revealed, And where...ha-ha...did you make this....hoo-ha...miracle of technology?!!?", John lowered his eyes, as if he knew of their disbelief, " From the future.". The laughter in the room was more intense now. The only ones not laughing were John and Sally; she didn't know what to make of him, a mentally disturbed man or a hopeless dreamer.

John, why do think youre from the future? I know life seems to be harsh at times, but this isn't going to make it better living in this fantasy. her voice seemed to break the laughter in the room. John continued in a sorrowful tone, Im not living a fantasy. I created a time shifting mechanism in my lab...in the future! he rubbed his head as if he had pounding headache, But something went wrong I wasn't in the path of its beam...I...I don't think I was, maybe I should have checked its main power core...or...or...the micron center scope...

The detective shook his head, now approaching the erratic man in a cynical mood, Well, well, the future huh? Tell me, sir, are you trapped here in the primitive past? You must be hard at work tracking down some renegade robot, huh? John went into a mad fury, he stood up which caused his chair to fall back. He screamed at the mocking detective, You think this one big joke!! You don't know the pain I've been through , leaping from seconds, minutes, hours, days, years...decades......centuries!!!" The police continually try to subdue him.

Harry finally grabs John and pushes him down onto another chair, You shut up and sit down like a good little boy!! Don't make me call out nut farm to come down here and restrain you. Course, they'll probably do it soon after this anyway...

Sally gets her wits back after sprawling against the wall during Johns' little stunt. She calmly sits back down in her chair, and gives a stern glance at the rattled offender.

John, this ends. Right now, right here. Time to come back to reality.

John laughed at her words.

You better believe it's the end. He crouched up to her and began to spill his heart out, " I come from the year 2320, I built that time devise to better understand human history. I was in the test phase of its capabilities at the time, I sent an apple three minutes into the future, and it went perfectly. So I then tried again, only this time into the past. I repositioned the apple for the next jump, but when I fired the beam...something happened....

Sally and Plonti looked concerned, What happened? said Sally, as if she were involved in a good novel.

I collided the space time continuum! The very fabric of space and time was beginning to implode. John gazed up at her . His face was in a state of fear as he continued, Before I realised what happened, I felt dizzy, I thought I was ill. But as I stared at my lab... things kept changing! People were moving by me, as if they were in rewind; flashes of blinding white light.... awful screams were ringing in my ears!! Sally almost felt his pain as she listened to the shakiness to his voice, the detective thought he heard a noise outside the window and went over to investigate. John wiped the tears that were pouring out of his eyes, Sally pressed on.

John....John, what were the screams? Sallys question seemed to jostle his memory,

"People.....they were the screams of people....they were dying. My God! I realise now what happened, the gateway I created to future wasn't closed. The window to the past that was opening up collided with the future portal that remained open; it caused a chain reaction that destroyed the future...and now, slowly destroying the past."

As John sat there feeling sorry for himself, Sally looked up toward the window where Plonti was gawking outward. She then saw the other two officers join him, staring at what he saw.

Sally looked concerned, What? What is it?" As she got up to go look as well, John kept talking even though no one was with him, OF COURSE! The only reason I'm travelling back in time is because of the apple! I occupied the space when I went to retrieve it; the gateway was still open as it sat there....the rift must have gotten larger as I came into its temporal flux. That means, when I went to create a window to the past....I was standing in the future and the present!

The sudden shock of what had happen struck into his ever widening eyes, " No!....that means, I was the focal point, past, present, future, I was occupying all three times in one place.....sweet Jesus! I'm the one its collapsing on...Time is trying to catch up to me!"

Sally, Plonti and the two officers were staring at the outside. The sky was being sucked into a black hole, buildings and people started disintegrating before their very eyes. They all turned to look at John as he finished his thought.

Im trapped in time... going backwards, always ahead before it kills the space I occupy - until the end of time. I should have known better, my old professor was right, ' Of all the things we as a species were destined to explore, the one rule should always remain -" He looked up at them one last time as the room began to warp and de-materialize around them, they're eyes fill with horror, and Man should never mess with time. And then, in that moment, the room around him went white. The screams of millions of people cried out before him, John uttered the same phrase he said every time he heard that sound, " Dear God, what have I done!?! The aftermath soon passed, the voices died in the distance. John, removed his hands from his face, he found himself standing in an empty field. At first he thought it was just a dream, which it all was in his mind. But as he turned around, he saw a herd of dinosaurs go running past an open valley in the distance.

He slammed his body to the earth and screamed in his insanity, he knew that the price for time - was his soul.

END

Bucky24
October 28th, 2010, 11:58 PM
The most pertinent problem I noticed was tense shifting. The story starts out
"a man sits in a room"
indicating the narration is taking place from present tense. Then near the end:
"But as he turned around, he saw a herd of dinosaurs go running past an open valley in the distance."
We have shifted to past tense.
The shift takes place in the second paragraph:
"As the police recorder began to play..."

Given the theme of the story, maybe this was what you intended to happen?

I rather liked the first paragraph for the present tense wording-made it seem like a detective story.



John what? John Lennon...John Gotti...John the baptist...WHAT?" The detective leaned in towards him.


Loved this line. It made the scene seem more real.



Does it matter!! John screamed in return.


I never really liked seeing exclaimation points at the end of questions, even if the questioner is shouting. But I am not sure if its improper grammer to do so or just my pet peeve.



...I'll can your butt back into that lovely cell of yours!!!!!"


Shorten that down to a single exclaimation point. It looks cleaner and more professional.



John smirked and calmly replied.


This tripped me up while reading. I would have put it "John calmly replied, smirking", but then again, that just might be a pet peeve of mine rather than the proper way to do it.



"John, at least try to explain what you wanted from that research lab that you broke into...


In my opinion this destroys the sense of realism. John knows what he did. The copy knows what he did. The only reason to structure it that way is for the purposes of informing the reader what John did, which makes the reader "remember" that they are reading a story. Possibly something like "For the record let it be stated that this man broke into a research lab..." etc. That conveys the information to the reader without breaking that feeling of realism.



Sally leaned back in shear woe.


I'm not entirely sure what emotion is being conveyed here (though the misspelling might have something to do with that). What she sad for him because she thought he was crazy? Possibly a better description.



...Time shifter?!




What the hell is that?!!


Try not to end sentences with an exclaimation mark AND a question mark. Like using multiple of each, it looks unprofessional and unclean, like something you would read in an instant messenger.



The cops all have a good laugh.


Didn't notice this the first read through-we've slipped back into present tense narration.



John lowered his eyes, as if he knew of their disbelief,


They weren't making any effort to hide their disbelief, but the text here seems to suggest that it was something that wasn't evident, that he shouldn't have known.



John, why do think youre from the future?...


From what I can tell, its more likely that the people in the room would want clarify, just to keep the record straight, something like "John do you think you are from the future?", then if he answered yes, then they would ask this question.



...but this isn't going to make it better living in this fantasy.


A little awkward wording there.



The prisoner didn't even glance his way.

Does it matter!! John screamed in return.

John smirked and calmly replied

..I...I don't think I was, maybe I should have checked its main power core...or...or...the micron center scope...

John went into a mad fury, he stood up which caused his chair to fall back.

He crouched up to her and began to spill his heart out,


John seems to be having a bit of a personality disorder. Uncaring/depressed to frantic to calm to uncertain to furious to spilling his heart out, all in a few minutes. Try to even him out. He's like a yo-yo.



Sally and Plonti looked concerned


Why would the detective be concerned? Obviously he thinks this guy is a nutcase.



Sally looked up toward the window where Plonti was gawking outward


If he was maybe concerned about what he saw out the window, then you should indicate this beforehand.



Sally looked concerned, What? What is it?" As she got up to go look as well,


Again, it's unclear at first what she is concerned about now.

The characters seem a little undefined. John especially. By the end of the story I'm thinking he's more the mad scientist type, but he doens't seem that way near the beginning.



Of all the things we as a species were destined to explore, the one rule should always remain -" ... Man should never mess with time.


Chilling :)

It's a good plotline, began well, ended pretty well, but the middle is a little confusing.

Well this is a lot longer than I intended. Hope some of it helps!

Ricky Jalapeno
October 29th, 2010, 12:58 AM
"Middle America"? Do you mean Central America?