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Unca Walt
October 28th, 2010, 01:19 PM
Dinner With The Baron





Walt C. Snedeker





Only through a weird set of circumstances would it have come to pass. Fortunately (I think), my lifes circumstances are frequently as weird as a fishes underwear. Therefore, when I found out that the nice receptionist to whom I had been expending my carefully hoarded charm had a daddy who was an honest-to-Agincourt baron, I glibly informed her that the Fabled PC and Your Humble Obedient &tc were soon to go to The Continent.

Ooh! Youve gotta look up Daddy at his castle! she gushed.

Castle?

Where does your father live? I mean, where is his... castle? I wasnt buying this right away, you see. The nice girl-lady to whom I was speaking was a pure California-type. You know the kind -- they have to wear padded shoulders so they dont hurt their heads when they talk.

Daddys castle is in Arbroath. On the coast of Scotland. He is the Baron of Kelly. When you look out any one of the windows on top, the North Sea is right there. In Scotland, she finished erratically, eyes shining proudly.


Your father is a baron?

You betcha my betcha against your betcha, and I betcha my betcha wins, I betcha. She was on a roll, now. Just as I approached certainty that all of the kookies were not in the jar, she reached into her receptionist-thingy desk to pull out an impressive certificate signed by the Exchequer to the Queen and Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order, Sir Lord Lyon King of Arms, Royal Big Shot and Nobody to Be Sniffed At, or somebody.

It was a list of the bonafides that swore through the listed genealogy and historical records attested to ad nauseam that one Mr. Gerald Hubert Colson (aka Daddy) was, in truth and fact, the Baron of Kelly. And here was his coat of arms, his baronial coronet, his baronial motto, and my God -- even his bloody flag.

Geez.

Give Daddy a call -- hed love to have you stay over. Hell probably put you in the Blue Room at the Castle.

You could hear the capital letters.

So I wandered home, thinking that my maladjusted charm had really gotten me into a deep etiquette stew this time. The Fabled PC thought it was cute, and that I ought to give the guy a phone call the next night, just to say hello if we happen to be in the area.

Brrrrrnnggg. Brrrrnnnggg.

Kelly Castle.

Duhh. This is Walt Snedeker... Ah, um... I, umm, I opened brilliantly.

But of course, you must be that great humor writer who creates those smashing magazine articles that my daughter told me about. How kind of you to call. I was ever so hoping youd get in touch.

And they wonder why we raw colonials dearly love a lord. This guy owned me.

Well, Baron, er, Your Highness, sir, I...

Oh, you must call me Jerry.

Wow.

Your daughter told us to look you up when we got to Scotland.

Yes. She mentioned that to me. When will you be here?

I told him wed be there in about two weeks, and then asked if he knew of any good Bed-and-Breakfasts in the area.

Nonsense. A crisp command -- a touch of the Colonel, here. Youll stay at the Castle.

He used capital letters, too.

Oh, thats very kind, but we dont want to impose...

Nothing of the sort. Let me know when you are going to arrive, and I will send a car down to the station to meet you.

Did he say: send a bloody car down to the cotton-pickin station??? The Fabled PC and I exchanged looks.

(*gasp*) Uh, thanks, Your Royal, um, Jerry.

Cheer-o, then.

Click.

Oh, my.

Scene cut to two or so weeks later. The Fabled PC and Your Humble &tc. are at the station in Arbroath.

There is no car.

We dial up the Castle. We are now using capitals. No answer. Uh-oh. But wait. We can leave a message.

Hi, uh, Your Jerryship, sir. This is Walt and PC. Were at the station. Well just get a cab and hop over to the Castle.

So we did. The cab drove through the clean, sleepy, modest little town with its tiny postage-stamp lawns, each house touching its neighbor. Beautiful, quaint little place.

Then we turned up a drive. Holly, rhododendron in bloom, dogwood, giant flowering things lining the shaded drive. A huge pasture full of cows... NO!! Wait a minute!!

PC! Lookit! Lookit! Those are DEER!

But theyre too big, arent they?

Astute lass. The deer were more the size of elk. But they just sat there looking at us. And they were deer. Humongous, utterly tame deer. I had the cab stop and got out. Arnie Schwartzenbambi just calmly gazed at me. Unreal. The Barons private herd.

The Baron was not in.

One of the staff informed us that he was being given a joyride by a warship of the German Navy, and would be back tomorrow. (What the heck is this world coming to?)

So we stayed in a Bed and Breakfast. It was lovely.

The Baron was all contrite in the morning, having gotten his calendar awry, and could he come and pick us up now?

Instantly, we knew the car coming toward us was from the Castle. Everybody else had, well, cars. The thing coming down the road was probably launched as a special favor to the Baron by the Rolls Royce company.

The Baron had pale gold-grey hair, an immaculate mustache, and a blazer with the baronial crest. The Castle was begun to be built in the 12th century. We nearly got lost by the time our very special tour was over.

I say special tour because the Baron (giggling in a refined peer-ish sort of way) showed us something others never saw: he pulled on a book in a bookshelf, to be rewarded with an enormous click! Hooboy! A genuine secret panel opened up, revealing a steel door that would not have been out of place at Brinks. We went through it, with me clicking away with my camera, and found ourselves in a private office.

The Baroness announced dinner. We segued/sashayed/stumbled into the main dining room. The table would only seat forty or so, but the Fabled PC and I figured we could squeeze and make do. Along the wall opposite where I was seated was a leather tapestry akin to the Bayeux job which features the Battle of Hastings. I remarked on it, and the Baron was delighted.

Yes, I am very pleased to own that. Christies came in and appraised it, then insured it for two hundred and seventy-five thousand pounds.

Thats a half-million bones in American, folks. But it wasnt the end by any means. The table we were seated at (if you chucked in the chairs and sideboard) was picked up by ole Jerry at Sothebys for another trifling half mil.

Jiminy. We hadnt even gotten out of the dining room, and the furniture cost more than a million dollars.

Eventually, we took our leave, the Baron being gracious to the end, insisting that we stay the night in the Blue Room (the one with the suit of armor standing in the corner).

When we got back to Florida, we looked at the pictures. The Fabled PC was doing a lot of sighing.

Uh-oh. I could see it coming.

I want to redecorate.

The Backward OX
October 28th, 2010, 01:50 PM
Nothing of the sort. Let me know when you are going to arrive, and I will send a car down to the station to meet you.



Did he say: send a bloody car down to the cotton-pickin station??? The Fabled PC and I exchanged looks.



They have speaker-phones in Floriduh?

Unca Walt
October 28th, 2010, 02:53 PM
They have speaker-phones in Floriduh?

The better houses have running water, toilets, and windows also. :)

Gumby
October 30th, 2010, 03:27 PM
Great story Unca Walt! Did the Fabled PC get to redecorate your house? :)