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Waste.
October 27th, 2010, 08:27 PM
I haven't posted anything in a while, so I thought I'd just give a taster of what I'm up to at the moment.

This could be the beginning of my current project, but essentially its just introducing characters, unless I find that I can't think of a better way to start off.

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The fire board roared beneath him as it fought to stay level. The sound almost drowning out that of the rolling winds. He was waiting, his arms slightly spread as if he were about to fly. Balanced precariously on the edge of a dune he closed his eyes and allowed the wind to buffet him, its sand laced fingers pushed his hair back. This was it. This was living. He raised gloved hands to pull goggles over his eyes, and then looking to his left he gave a slight smile to the girl a few feet away from him.

Brace! she shouted his name. Her clothes were being pulled at by the wind, her short hair was wild, she too had her goggles down but her expression was one of uncertainty.

You trust me, dont you? Not that it mattered, it wasnt like she could pull back, not from a drop this steep. He could see the fire in her eyes, even from such a distance. His heart raced faster as the wind began to drop, You ready? it was about to turn, any second now. I said, are you ready? he didnt have to shout to be heard above the wind.

She simply nodded, then turned her attention to the drop.

Brace licked his chapped lips as the air went still and glanced down to make sure that his feet were in place before moving into a slight crouch. Every nerve felt as if it were on fire as the wind began to blow from behind him, he could feel the specks of sand scratching at his cheeks as it grew stronger. It was as if he was on the edge of a cliff, about to surf down its face, no harnesses. Just this. He sucked in a long breath, managing to time it perfectly with the first blast of gale force wind. He pressed his weight onto his left foot as the current caught hold of him and pushed him forward. The front of the board came into contact with the face of the dune and then, he was falling.

He spread his arms wide, feeling the push of the wind at his back. He felt as if he had truly taken flight, if it werent for the roar of the board at his feet he would have believed it. When he cried out his voice was torn from him and left far above, he forgot about Mia, he forgot about everything. There was just him, falling. His adrenaline spiked and he crouched low to increase his speed before jumping from the almost vertical wall. He grabbed hold of the side of the board as he swung his legs so that it was directed forward. Momentum carried him around and he got just a glimpse of a pale blue sky before the board hit the surface of the dune. He whooped, and left the sound far above once again.

Too soon the steep face began to curve, he felt it when the front of his board found grip and he could to lean to give himself some direction. The speed was still with him, but all of the danger had gone. Brace smiled as he forced more power into the board, to his left Mia had her hands in the air, her high laughter snaking to him. When she caught him looking she whooped and shouted, Bless the guardians, we bloody well did it!

J M Pumilia
October 27th, 2010, 09:54 PM
The fire board roared beneath him as it fought to stay level.

I googled 'fire board' and I still have no idea what it is other then some forum. Please describe what it is for the reader cannot comprehend the noisy thing the MC is standing on.



This was it. This was living.

These two sentences are fragments and they add no additional meaning to the story. However, this could be something that Brace can think to himself, conveying character, and that way it can bypass the structural problems.



Just this.

This is a sentence fragment and it adds no additional information about the storyline or characters. Consider taking it out.


He raised gloved hands to pull goggles over his eyes
This might be picky but whose gloved hands did he raise? Please specify.



Brace licked his chapped lips as the air went still and glanced down to make sure that his feet were in place before moving into a slight crouch.

In this sentence you are telling me that the air glanced down to make sure that his feet... I believe what you meant to say was:

Brace licked his chapped lips as the air went still and he glanced down to make sure that his feet were in place before moving into a slight crouch.

Waste.
October 27th, 2010, 10:17 PM
You are actually rather good at critiquing, I've seen a few of yours on posts. Thanks for this its really helpful, my only problem now is that I really don't know how to describe the fire board without slowing the pace. Its literally a snow board that you can power up and ride over sand. I have tried to let the text hint at this but obviously it didn't work. Suggestions?

J M Pumilia
October 27th, 2010, 10:36 PM
Well there are many ways to weave something into a story.

You can power it up but does it have rocket jets propelling it, or does it levitate off the ground due to anti-gravity technology?

The fire board roared beneath him, shooting cones of flames from small engines on its back, as he(or it) fought to stay level.
The fire board roared beneath him, glowing and levitating, as it fought to stay level.
The fire board roared beneath him as it fought to stay level. The hiss of the boards two twin turbine engines drowned out the sound of the rolling winds.

We already know it's some sort of board you can stand on therefore, you should elaborate on why it's unique or describe details about the specific board mentioned. Does that help you?

AmieS
November 2nd, 2010, 12:54 AM
I found this a very interesting piece to read. I really liked the pace and thought it was a great way to introduce the characters. I feel that after this we would read some more about them and why they are here etc?
I thought that it was a very engaging read and I would defiantly read on to discover more and see how this develops.