View Full Version : The Great Blue Hole of Belize, aka Terry & Arthur’s Sink Hole Scam

The Backward OX
October 26th, 2010, 03:14 AM
350 words. Read it while the kettle’s boiling.

Guv, just a quick note.

I’ve sent this postcard in an envelope so Old Bill couldn’t read it. Only, I had a bit of trouble with that girl at the local comprehensive?

I sneaked into Belize on a dodgy passport, and after I was sure I’d covered my tracks, I had a shufti at the local scene.

‘Terry, old son,’ I said to myself, ‘This could be it.’

Guv, they’ve got this thing out in the middle of a reef. It’s a hole in the water. Properly managed it’ll be a gold mine – people’ll come from everywhere to see a hole.

And you and I can earn a few quid.

Here’s how it’ll work:

I’ve checked the stores, and the bars, and discovered the money-spinners.

I’ve arranged, when we get the punters here, we get a back-scratcher from the places where they might spend their dosh.

Arthur, you’ll have to hire one of those old Dakota war-birds that Dodgy Don bartered from the RAF.

You sling a couple of extra fuel tanks under the wings.

You print some flyers.

“Eighth Wonder of The World - Cheap Caribbean Holiday - Fly Now, Pay Later. Phone Arthur, 0400 847 315”

And, you do a letterbox drop. Just local. Woughton-On-The-Green, Beanhill, Tinkers Bridge, you know.

And, when the punters enquire, here’s your spiel: “Yes, it is the eighth wonder. Only, it’s this bloody great ‘ole in the water, innit? You’ve never seen an ‘ole in the water, ‘ave you?”

That’s all.

Guv, they’ll be tripping over themselves to jump in your plane.

So, you fly them to Ladyville, and I hire a boat to take them out to see the hole.

But while Jesus-Ernesto steers I’m saying quietly, to the men, ‘When we get back to Ladyville, there’s these Mayan lap dancers wearing only G-strings, and they’re gorgeous’, and to the women, ‘Ladyville has the best shopping in the western hemisphere. It’s all copies of Paris fashions at budget prices.’

What do you think they’ll want to do? A hole’s just a hole.

Guv, this’s the biggest thing since sliced bread.


October 26th, 2010, 05:54 AM
like it -
I was just wondering if Big Vern from Viz was gonna show up ("They ain't takin' me alive!").
Terry and Arthur made me think of Minder in the eighties, (Terry McCann n' Arthur Daly).

October 26th, 2010, 10:35 AM
Only, I had a bit of trouble with that girl at the local comprehensive?Comp
Although I liked your submission for that photo challenge thing. This 'hole' story's great. Could you enter this too?

The Backward OX
October 26th, 2010, 11:51 AM
No one's ever said whether or not it's one entry per person. You raise an interesting point. Me, I'm keeping a low profile. Oh, and you were right about Minder. I had that pair in mind when I wrote it.

October 26th, 2010, 12:50 PM
No one's ever said whether or not it's one entry per person.

I'm sure it doesn't matter. It would be quite a big ask to weave that photo into the tale, though. EDIT: This is the umpteenth time I've come back to read this. It's just brilliant.

More than just a toy story...

January 16th, 2011, 12:43 AM
Brilliant it is, Ox! Very clever. :)

January 16th, 2011, 03:20 AM
A quick and clean read, Ox. Fun, too. Darn good stuff here.

As for the LM's. As far as I know it's only one submission per entrant per challenge.

February 17th, 2011, 02:26 PM
It's like Guy Ritchie in 3 minutes. Pucker.

February 17th, 2011, 03:42 PM
Except this sort of thing does happen here. As a matter of fact, if you're interested in a tour of an undiscovered Mayan temple...

May 28th, 2011, 06:05 PM
Brilliant it is, Ox! Very clever. :)

And so say all of us - well, I do anyway.

Well done - beautiful tale!


August 26th, 2012, 10:44 AM
Breezy read. I like it.