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legendhunter
October 26th, 2010, 02:19 AM
(Catholic Retribution)

(Chapter 1: To avenge a ghost)

My name is Agatha, my loving husband was killed by pirates twenty five
years ago. Then the same day that I heard the news of the murder of my
husband an eighteen year old lad came to my house and asked for a place to
stay. I welcomed him into my house and he was a great help with chores, he
even helped me take care of my son that I had with my husband. After five
years of having him in my house he told me

~“Agatha I have something I need to tell you.”

~“And what’s that?” I asked him

~“I love you Agatha, and I love your son. Please marry me Agatha you know
I’ll be a good father to Brandon and a good husband to you.” He said as he
pet my cheek.

~“I’m sorry Alvin but I don’t love you.” I said taking his hands off my face
gently. Then he went insane, he started yelling and screaming

~“I lived with you for five god damn years and helped you with everything
and you still don’t love me? Fine! I’m gone I’m out of here!” After a few
moment’s I realized that I broke his heart and then I started to cry from
guilt. Later on that day Alvin came back to the house drunk.

~“So you aren’t going marry me huh? That’s fine, but if I can’t have you no
one will!” Alvin smiled deviously as he pulled out a knife. The instant I saw
the knife I ran into the closet and locked the door, but Alvin was strong
enough to break down the door. I was curled up in the corner crying.

~“Please don’t hurt me!” but he kicked me relentlessly until I couldn’t stay
in the fetal position any more and then he slashed at me with the knife until
he got tired. After he was finished with me he walked out of the house and
left me for dead. My son then came in from playing outside and found my
mutilated body on the closet floor, but I was still alive.

~“Mommy!” Brandon ran over to me. “What happened to you mommy?” He
started to cry.

~“Alvin did this to me.” I told my son before my dieing breath. My son cried
over my body for hours, and the clouds cried with him. He tried to tell the
authorities who murdered me but no one would believe him because Alvin
was known as a good man. So to survive my son became an apprentice to a
sailor while I became a ghost to watch over my him, and now twenty years
later my revenge is at hand. For my now grown son is on a ship with my
murderer. Alvin was the captain of the ship while Brandon was the quarter
master. The instant my son saw the captain’s face he knew who he was. So
in the secrecy of his cabin he planned the death of the captain with his friend
of five years; Orlando Blanchard. But what my son didn’t know was just how
special Orlando was. To the right of the cabin that they spoke in had a square
table with two chairs on opposite sides of it. To the left of the cabin there
was a beer keg with wooden mugs on the side of it as well as a window to let
light in, and on the ceiling hung a lantern.

~“Orlando my friend do you remember when I told you how my mother was
murdered?” my son said as he filled two wooden mugs with beer.

~“Yes I remember.” Orlando said as he sat down in one of the chairs at the
table
~“Well I found her murderer.” My son said, bringing the two mugs of beer to
the table and placing one in front of Orlando.“Really? Who is he?” Orlando
asked.
~“It’s the captain of the ship, and I aim to make this voyage his last.” My
son took a drink from his mug and took the seat across Orlando.
~“Wait my friend I can’t let you murder him.” Orlando said.

~“And why not?” my son asked with a surprised tone.

~“If you kill him the entire ship would become paranoid, and the entire cabin
wouldn’t be able to trust each other. How ever if I kill him in front of
everyone the crew will not question if this place is safe or not because they
would make an example of me by throwing me overboard.” Orlando smiled.

~“You would be willing to die to avenge my mother?” my son asked in
shock.

~“Brandon I have a secret to tell you.” Orlando said

~“Tell me my friend.” Brandon leaned in closer.
~“I am not human. In fact I have been living for thousands of years, and the
reason I want to do you a favor is so that you can do me a favor.” Orlando
said.

~“And what is this favor you want?” Brandon asked

~“When I kill the captain you will become the captain of the ship.” Orlando
said.

~“And?” Brandon interrupted Orlando.

~“And I want you to arrange a meeting between me and Mary the queen of
England.” Orlando said.

~“But how can I arrange a meeting between you and the queen if the crew
kills you?” Brandon asked.

~“I won’t really die I’ll just make it seem that I died.” Orlando smiled.

~“And how are you going to do that?” my son held his clean shaven chin.

~“Simple I’ll let them throw me over board and then I will climb back onto
the ship and become invisible for the rest of the voyage.” Orlando said.

~“First you say you’re not human and then you say you can become
invisible? Stop being silly my friend.” my son said taking a drink.

~“Then tell me Brandon can you see me?” Orlando said

~“Of cour- wait, where did you go?” my son looked around.

~“I’m right in front of you.” Orlando said materializing in front of my son.

~”How did you do that? Have you been practicing magic behind my back for
all of these years?” Brandon said

~”No, I do not practice magic the power to become invisible is only one of
my powers that I have naturally.” Orlando explained as he took a drink.
~”Then what are you?” my son said.

~”Why does what I am matter? We have been friends for five years now,
and you know you can trust me. Or at least I hope that you can trust me. I
think I deserve your trust, after all I could turn you in for even speaking of
killing the captain. But I’m your friend, so instead I shall help you kill him.”
Orlando said said sincerely as he looked into my sons eyes.
~”You are right my friend,do the deed and I’ll make sure the queen sees
you” my son said taking another drink.

~”I shall do the deed tomorrow morning.” Orlando took a drink and then
walked out of the cabin.

~”I wonder why he want’s to see the queen so much that he’s willing to risk
his life to see her.” my son said under his breath. “No matter I know he is
trustworthy, he saved my life many times before. I just hope he hasn’t
changed.” My son finished his drink, and then went below deck to get some
sleep. The next morning my son woke up to the sound of screaming, but my
son wasn’t disturbed by this screaming at all for he knew the screaming
came from my murderer. So instead he smiled and laughed with joy for I was
avenged. Then a few seconds latter my son heard the sound of angry sailors
throwing Orlando over board for the murder of the captain. After all the
commotion was over Brandon got up from his slumber and announced to the
crew

~“Since our dear captain was murdered I shall be the new captain, but that
doesn’t mean you can slack off if anything I’ll be running this ship stricter
than your previous captain. John shall be the new quarter master. Now get
to work! We have sailing to do.”

(Chapter 2: The art of courting a woman)

~When the ship reached the England docks Brandon Orlando revealed
himself to Brandon and said.

~“I filled my end of the bargain, now you fill your end.”

~“Yes my good friend, I shall make sure you see the queen. How ever first I
think we should visit that pub over there.” my son smiled.
~“Sounds good to me.” Orlando said. The aroma of the bar was intoxicating
to the two of them, there were many beautiful women sitting on the laps of
old men, while they served them beer.

~”What an interesting place to enjoy beer and women.” Orlando remarked.
So my son and his friend sat at the bar and asked for a round of whiskey.

~“Look at all the pretty ladies how many do you think I could pick up
tonight?” Brandon smiled taking a shot of his whiskey.

~“I suggest you just find the prettiest and take her.” Orlando said.
~“Where is the fun in only having one girl?” Brandon laughed.
~“Well first of all you only have one penis so you can’t fuck more than one
girl at a time, second of all if you go one at a time it makes the girl feel like
you actually have feelings for her. So there for the chances of keeping her for
sexual pleasure are higher.” Orlando said, how ever his statement only
made Brandon start laughing again.

~“So tell me my friend about your past experiences with women.” My son
said.

~“Well actually I haven’t even kissed a women yet.” Orlando looked down.

~“What? How is that even possible? How old are you again my friend?”
Brandon took another drink of whiskey.

~“I’m a couple thousand years old.” Orlando said.

~“Well you sure look good for an old man!” Brandon smiled. There was a
short pause in the conversation and then Orlando said

~“The reason I haven’t even kissed a women yet is because I fear that I
might eat the girl.” Orlando said.

~“What’s wrong with eating a girl?” my son chuckled.
~“Well eating a girl would be satisfying to my fangs but I can’t bare the
thought of harming art.” Orlando said.“You are a strange my friend.”
Brandon said taking yet another shot of whiskey, and while Brandon took his
drink a damsel yelled out

~“Don’t touch me!”

~“I know you want me stop playing hard to get!” a fat man said with a drunk
slur.
~“If you don’t do what the man wants you to do I will throw you out on the
street!” The bartender yelled out.

~”She doesn’t want you man!” Brandon said as he got up from his chair.

~“Oh so you want to fight over this whore? All right put them up!” the drunk
man shouted. The instant the drunkard turned his attention away from the
damsel she took a knife out of her dress and shoved the knife into the drunks
throat, then she quickly took the knife out of him, and as he screamed with
agony she thrust the knife into the mans stomach. Then all of the customers
and whores ran out of the pub in fear.

~“I want her dead!” The bartender called out to his bouncers to handle her.
In a heart beat my son took out a knife from his belt and slashed the throat
of the first bouncer, then he kicked the second bouncer to the ground, and
while the bouncer was on the ground he impaled him in his stomach. Seeing
the death of his two fellow bouncers the third bouncer realized he would
stand no chance against Brandon, and started to run away. But Brandon was
skilled with throwing a knife so he threw it at his back; the knife went
between the bouncers ribs and pierced his heart. Then Brandon unsheathed
his sword and pointed it toward the bartender heroically.

~“I am a Captain of the Royal Navy, and I do not approve of the way you
treat this woman.” My son proclaimed.

~“Please don’t hurt me!” The bartender whimpered.

~“Get out of my sight!” Brandon demanded.

~“Yes sir, anything you s- ” Then my son interrupted the bartender by
slapping his face with his sword, leaving a gash on his face.

~“Get out!” Brandon screamed. The Bartender didn’t hesitate this time
instead he just ran to the door. But then Brandon changed his mind about
letting the bartender live so he took out another knife from his knife belt and
threw it at the bartenders legs; the knife cut at his heel and made him fall to
the ground. Then Brandon walked up to the now crippled bartender who was
trying to crawl away and he drove his sword through the back of his head.
Orlando then got up from his chair and started to clap.

~”Good show Brandon, now let’s get out of here.”

~“Wait my friend we should take her with us.” Brandon suggested.

~“Can’t you see that she’s the type of girl that kills more men than she
sleeps with?” Orlando asked

~“I’m not a whore, and I’m not a murderer either.” The woman said in her
defense.

~“Oh so you are trying to say that you don’t sleep with men as a career and
that you didn’t kill that man a few moments ago?” Orlando said in a
demeaning tone.

~“Are any of us really innocent here Orlando? I mean you and I have killed
people, besides we could use a woman in the group who can defend herself.”
Brandon argued.

~“You’re just saying that so that you can fuck her.” Orlando said hatefully.
~“No I’m not!” Brandon sneered at Orlando.

~“Please let me go with you! You two are my only hope for a better life!”
The woman begged.

~“Oh very well you can come with us, but I’ll be watching you, understand
me?” Orlando gave her a scornful look.

~“Yes I understand.” The woman looked down.

~“Now as for that favor you still owe me.” Orlando looked at Brandon.

~“I’m not returning any favor until you tell this woman sorry.” Brandon gave
Orlando a disdainful look. Orlando reacted to my sons look by punching him
so hard in the face that he fell to the ground. In fear the woman pulled out
her knife again and tried to stab Orlando in the back. How ever Orlando
sensed that the woman was trying to kill him, so he grabbed the hand that
held the knife.

~“Trying to stab me in the back I see, that’s alright.” Orlando said as he
slapped the woman and made her let go of the knife.

~“Stop this Orlando!” My son pleaded as he got up from the ground. Then
Orlando dropped the knife.

~“ I’m sorry for slapping you but what do you expect me to do when you try
to stab me in the back? you can join us if you still wish too, and Brandon
could you forgive me?I didn’t mean to be such a monster.” Orlando said
sincerely.

~“Of course my friend, I forgive you. Now let’s be on our way we have a
meeting with the queen to arrange.” Brandon smiled. So Brandon Orlando
and the woman walked out of the pub and started making their way through
the crowded streets.

~“Tell me what name could a beautiful woman like you have?” Brandon
flirted with the woman.

~“Well I could have a name like Elizabeth, Rose, or even Alice. Which name
do you believe I have?” the woman smiled as they walked.

~“Well I believe your name is Rose because your red hair resembles the
beauty of a rose, while your body resembles the attractiveness of pollen to
bees. How ever also like a rose you aren’t defenseless, because if someone
grabs you the wrong way your thorns cut them.” Brandon looked at the
woman.

~“What do you know you guessed my name right.” Rose giggled.

~“Well my name is Brandon and his name is Orlando.” Brandon said as he
pointed at Orlando.

~“Brandon huh? That name fits you perfectly.” Rose smiled.

~“Thank you.” Brandon said as he admired the freckles on Rose’s nose.
~“So tell me how did a girl like you get mixed up with a guy like that
bartender?” Brandon asked.

~“Well you see my mother died giving birth to me. And my father took care
of me until one day a thief killed him right in front of me. So that Bartender
took me in and gave me a job as a prostitute and today I just couldn’t stand
being one anymore so I’m thankful that you and your friend were there to
save me from those bouncers.” Rose looked into Brandon’s brown eyes.

~“I see, my father was killed by pirates when I was born, and my mother
was murdered when I was five years old. In order to survive I became an
apprentice of a sailor, and well now I’m the captain of my own ship. It’s
funny how things work out.” Brandon flashed his handsome smile.

~“Yes it is funny isn’t it?” Rose said quietly as she looked down.

~“Is something wrong?” Brandon asked with concern.

~“It’s just that I have never taken someone’s life, I was just so scared and
so angry.” Roses eyes got watery and a tear ran down her cheek.
~“You shouldn’t feel bad for killing someone in self defense. It was either
you were going to die or he was going to die. It is only human nature to want
to live.” Orlando Said.

~“I – I guess you are right. I just wish I never had to kill anyone.” Rose said.

~“Everyone does things they wish they never had to do, eventually you will
learn that no matter how hard you try you will do things you regret.”
Orlando said like a wise man.

~“You talk like a man that has lived a long life, just how old are you?” Rose
asked.

~“I am a couple thousand years old. I lost count of my exact age at around
three thousand five hundred years of age.” Orlando answered.

~”You’re funny!” Rose started laughing because she thought he was joking.

~“Do you want to know something?” Orlando said.

~“Yes please.” Rose said.
~“Well sometimes I really wish I died a long time ago.I would have
been able to live my entire life with ignorant bliss. I would have been able to
die before I learned the secrets of life that no one should ever learn. I would
have been able to die with my friends instead of live on with their memory
still in my head.” Orlando said with sadness in his voice. “But enough joking
around how far away are we from the queen?” Orlando asked.
~”Why do you ask?” Brandon said.

~”I asked because the sky looks like it’s about to pour rain on us soon, and
I’d rather not get the lady all wet.” Orlando said.

~”What’s wrong with getting a woman all wet? I think it’s wonderful to see a
woman get turned on.” Brandon smiled.

~”I should of saw that one coming.” Orlando and Rose started bursting out
laughing, and when the laughing died down Brandon said

~”There is the queens mansion! lets get in there before we all get wet.”
They all ran to the mansion as the rain started to fall.

(Chapter 3:)

~The inside of the mansion was glamorous. When they entered the front
door they saw that the floor was covered in marble,there was a great large
chandelier hanging from the ceiling, the windows were two stories high and
they had red curtains on them with majestic yellow designs sewn into them,
and the room was large enough to hold a ball.

~”What is your business here?”a guard questioned them.

~”I am a captain of the royal navy, and my good friend Orlando wishes to
speak to the queen.” Brandon said, showing off his captain’s sword.

~”And what does Orlando wish to speak to the queen about?” the guard
asked.

~”It does not matter what he want’s to speak to the queen about, just ask
the queen if she can see him.” Brandon scoffed at the guard. The guard did
not wish to upset a captain of the royal navy so he briskly walked to the
large doors on the opposite side of the entrance and opened them.

~”The queen may see Orlando.” The guard said. Since he was given
permission Orlando gladly walked through the doors. On the other side of
those doors Orlando was in a hall way that was six meters wide. on the floor
was a long red rug that had golden trim on the edges of it, there were no
windows only candles that lined the walls of the hall way. Then there was the
throne at the end of the hall way with the queen sitting in it, but much to
Orlando’s surprise the room had an eerie feeling to it like the type of feeling
you get when it’s night time at a grave yard and you start hearing foot
steps, so you look all around you to try to find out where the noise is coming
from but you don’t see anything. How ever the queen looked attractive to
Orlando with her red hair in curls, the crown upon her head, the white frills
extending from the straps of her orange dress,her cleavage visible, and the
darkness of the hall made her even more attractive, and mysterious.

~”Orlando what a pleasant surprise that you would come so soon.” the
queen smiled.
~”You knew I was coming?” Orlando asked.

~”Yes of course I knew you would come. In fact I’ve been waiting for you all
of my life” the queen said.

~”I’m afraid I don’t understand how you’ve been waiting for my arrival.”
Orlando said, Then the queen laughed and said

~”I love how you are so clueless about just how much I know about you.”

~”So then tell me, just how much do you know about me?” Orlando said.

~”I know that you are a Vampire that has been hunted down by a werewolf
named Lunara ever since you were five years old. I know that Vampires
were made to teach humans to worship Alexander; the greatest of all the
demons. I know that instead of teaching humans to worship Alexander your
kind taught humans to worship Vampires, and as your punishment Alexander
had Lunara and her pack annihilate your kind from the face of the planet. But
since they failed to kill you Alexander destroyed the souls of all of Lunara’s
pack, and then he took away her free will and made a covenant with her that
if she destroyed you she would get her free will back.” The queen said.

~”How do you know all of that?” Orlando asked baffled by the amount of
knowledge the queen had about him.
~”I know all of this because the royal family worships Satan, and he tells us
everything.” The queen smiled evilly.
~”Why do you worship the second most powerful demon when you know
Alexander is the most powerful, and I thought that you were a strong
catholic believer ” Orlando said.

~”I worship Satan because Alexander wishes to enslave mankind, while Satan
wishes to strengthen mankind, and as for why I promote Catholicism is
because I want to dirty the name of Catholicism by supporting it and then do
fanatical evil deeds. ” The queen said.

~”So then I’m guessing you know why I’m here?” Orlando said.
~”Why of course, you are here to seek my protection from Lunara, and I
shall grant you that protection. how ever I want you to do a job for me.” The
queen said.

~”And what is this job?” Orlando said.
~”I want you to collect an artifact that was found in Cairo Egypt, it is known
as the key to hell.” The queen said.

~”And where exactly shall I find it in Cairo?” Orlando said.
~”You will not go alone, you will have a guide with you.” said the queen, and
Then a jester walked out of the shadows, his outfit was half red and half
black, his face was covered with white make up, but he also had a knife belt
that had knifes going all around his waist.

~”Jester shall be your guide.” The jester started to laugh maniacally.

~”Very well I will retrieve this key to hell for you, but tell me why do you
want it?” Orlando asked.

~”The jester shall answer all the questions you have, now go.” The queen
said sternly.

~” As you wish my queen.” Orlando started to leave, and the jester followed
saying
~”Jester is going to have fun hanging out with Orlando.”

Kamisama420
October 26th, 2010, 10:12 AM
My opinion on this after reading it all (yes, I read it all lol).

First, let me assure you that the story has potential. It's a decent story with a good plot and lots of opportunity to develop the devils vs angels concept. I feel you tried your best to be original in a concept that was used over and over before, and I give you credits for that. I will also give you credits for sentences that usually make sense, and besides mankind (yes, one word), there are very little mistakes.

But you need to work on your punctuation. Most of the sentences need to be cut by commas. I believe this is quite a heavy matter here. I almost got exhausted reading. I felt there was very limited pauses.

Also, I felt overwhelmed. The story goes forward way too fast. There's no description of surroundings, no description of the characters' feelings or thoughts. It's like you're rushing us through the story.

Lastly, I would say that Brandon's and Rose's reactions to Orlando not being human is too... weird. It's passive acceptance, as if walking around with a thousands-years-old demon that shoots flames with his hands is something that everyone does daily. No panic, no doubts about motives (not even when that demon demands to see the Queen, no less), just a "oh, you're a demon, that's cool; I'm a captain and she's a whore, we'll get along very well" reaction.

Well, that's my two cents, but keep working on it, it'll get better.

legendhunter
October 26th, 2010, 11:26 PM
My opinion on this after reading it all (yes, I read it all lol).

First, let me assure you that the story has potential. It's a decent story with a good plot and lots of opportunity to develop the devils vs angels concept. I feel you tried your best to be original in a concept that was used over and over before, and I give you credits for that. I will also give you credits for sentences that usually make sense, and besides mankind (yes, one word), there are very little mistakes.

But you need to work on your punctuation. Most of the sentences need to be cut by commas. I believe this is quite a heavy matter here. I almost got exhausted reading. I felt there was very limited pauses.

Also, I felt overwhelmed. The story goes forward way too fast. There's no description of surroundings, no description of the characters' feelings or thoughts. It's like you're rushing us through the story.

Lastly, I would say that Brandon's and Rose's reactions to Orlando not being human is too... weird. It's passive acceptance, as if walking around with a thousands-years-old demon that shoots flames with his hands is something that everyone does daily. No panic, no doubts about motives (not even when that demon demands to see the Queen, no less), just a "oh, you're a demon, that's cool; I'm a captain and she's a whore, we'll get along very well" reaction.

Well, that's my two cents, but keep working on it, it'll get better.

thank you for your comment I shall work on the stories plot hole that you pointed out and I shall also work on making better description on the setting and on the characters feelings and thoughts. I shall be back with an edited version of the story and hopefully it shall be more to your liking.

Kamisama420
October 27th, 2010, 02:44 AM
It's not really a question of it being to MY personal liking. After all, you can't please everyone with a book. Some will like it, some won't, and that's true for every book by any author.

I just pointed out a few things that I believe could be ameliorated for an easier read.

legendhunter
October 28th, 2010, 05:02 PM
I have gone through the story and edited it I believe I fixed the plot hole that was found and I also added some description of surroundings as well.