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View Full Version : Matthew and Amanda:just a little of what I am working on



jaddess
October 20th, 2010, 03:24 PM
She met Matt in the late winter of her junior year on one of the busses that frequently looped onto the campus during its run in the small college town where she went to school. Even though virtually all of the girls she started school with had moved off-campus to apartments, Amanda still lived in the dormitory. She liked the safety of the dorm and having a female roommate.
She was taking a sculpture class as an elective to complete her requirements for her nursing degree. She enjoyed art and had done some sculpting and painting in high school. When she first entered the studio the instructor introduced the model-named Pablo-and said he would be with them for three weeks. When Pablo undressed, Amanda was stunned and her face flushed: They were going to sculpt a nude! But eventually, as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt and after the first week, the shock wore off and she was able to concentrate on molding the contours and features of his musculature into the clay. She needed some supplies that weren’t available in the campus store and was headed downtown to an arts supply store.
Matt lived off-campus, moving into an apartment as soon as possible. He was a Jewish kid from Queens, raised by his grandfather after his parents died in a plane crash while they were on vacation in California when he was two. He was majoring in political science and was on his way back to his apartment after spending the night, and the morning on-campus.
“Didn’t I see you at the party in Johnson Hall last night?” he asked. He was seated across the aisle from her and three rows up towards the front of the bus. He had to turn around to speak to her.
Amanda looked up from the textbook she was reading, a little annoyed at the intrusion. He was wearing an olive-green wool-sweater, a black down vest and a woolen hat of blue and white stripes despite the fact that it wasn’t very cold out. His thick, unkempt brown hair stuck out on all sides, and appeared as if it was growing, right in front of her eyes. He looked, ridiculous. But she liked his clear gray eyes, and the way he smiled. The scruff on his face gave him a rugged appearance.
“No, I wasn’t there,” she said unsmiling.
“Hmm, well maybe I’ve seen you in my political science recitation, you know, on Thursdays?”
“No, I don’t think so. I don’t take poly sci.”
“Too bad,” he said.
“Why?” she asked.
“You would have met me sooner.” Before his stop he stood up and walked back to where she was sitting. He took off his hat, and placed it on her head, causing her to cringe slightly. “See ya,” he said.
He never asked her name, or where she lived, yet he showed up at her dorm room the next day. Her roommate, Katie, had let him. “She’s a friend of mine,” he had said to her. When Amanda walked into the room, Matt was sitting on the floor going through Katie’s albums.
“What are you doing here?” she asked angry at his impertinence.
“Your roommate’s got a great music collection,” he said. “Think I can borrow a couple of these to make some tapes? Oh, I’m Matt and you’re Amanda.”
“How the hell did you find me?” she asked, fuming as she flung her books onto her bed.
“You know you’re cute when you’re angry,” he said.
“Get outta here or I’ll call security!”
“Okay, Okay…I’m goin’. Can I borrow these? I’ll bring them back tomorrow or the next day, promise.” He was already out the door with the music under his arm. He didn’t wait for her approval.

Richard Smith
October 20th, 2010, 04:06 PM
Needs more space between the paragraphs, and your font choice, while good for 1800's typewrighters is OK, it's not too good for a computer screen.

model-named Pablo-and
Hyphens are just wrong here

Familiarity breeds contempt? Where is the contempt? She's just used to seeing him naked, something he's probably done a lot of.

There is a lot of infodumping, and the story itself doesn't appear to be too compelling. Try taking a look at other people's work, commenting, and saying hi before blasting us with this. It all seems hurriedly put together, along with semi-believable characters and a psychopath calling himself Matt.

jaddess
October 20th, 2010, 04:50 PM
Thanks for the feedback..I didnt realize there was strict protocol about fonts...I will pay attention to that. You are write about the familiarity breeds contempt comment....I knew that was a poor use of the term....

Richard Smith
October 20th, 2010, 04:59 PM
Nitpick, do not use ... between sentences, use a period and spaces. It makes what you say easier to read and is kinda how sentences are supposed to work. The font doesn't make your work stand out in any way, and only serves to make it more difficult to read. Same goes for not double tapping the enter key at the end of a paragraph.

It breaks the paragraphs up, and serves the same function as indentation. See?

Get to know us a bit first, then stick a revision in here, preferrably farther down the thread, so someone reading the thread knows what version of the story previous posters are talking about. Maybe you can get this to go somewhere, but so far it's a bit lacking.

garza
October 20th, 2010, 07:54 PM
There's nothing inherently wrong with a Courier family typeface when it's the right size. I grew up looking at Elite Courier on my 1925 Underwood Model Five. But when Courier is pumped up to giant size, as here, it does become difficult to read.

Otherwise, everything that Richard said.

Scarlett_156
October 20th, 2010, 08:12 PM
...the late winter of her junior year on one of the busses...

"Buss" is actually a verb meaning "to kiss" OR a noun meaning "kiss". "Buses" is the plural form of the word "bus" (one of those big yellow things you ride to band camp in).

And: What the others said about the paragraphs being all squeezed together.


“No, I wasn’t there,” she said unsmiling.
“Hmm, well maybe I’ve seen you in my political science recitation, you know, on Thursdays?”
“No, I don’t think so. I don’t take poly sci.”
“Too bad,” he said.
“Why?” she asked.

No paragraph spacing makes it too hard to read. Try posting your work for review like this:


“No, I wasn’t there,” she said unsmiling.

“Hmm, well maybe I’ve seen you in my political science recitation, you know, on Thursdays?”

“No, I don’t think so. I don’t take poly sci.”

“Too bad,” he said.

“Why?” she asked.

Easier to read that way, and makes me more likely to want to read it all instead of just the first few lines.

jaddess
October 21st, 2010, 03:54 PM
She met Matt in the late winter of her junior year. She was on one of the buses that frequently looped onto the campus during its run in the small college town where she went to school. Even though virtually all of the girls she started school with had moved off-campus to apartments, Amanda still lived in the dormitory. She liked the safety of the dorm and having a female roommate.

She was taking a sculpture class as an elective to complete her requirements for her nursing degree. When she first entered the studio the instructor introduced the model named Pablo and said he would be with them for three weeks. When Pablo undressed, Amanda was stunned and her face flushed: They were going to sculpt a nude! But, eventually, the shock wore off and she was able to concentrate on molding the contours and features of his musculature into the clay. She needed some supplies that were not available on campus and was headed downtown to an arts supply store.

“Didn’t I see you at the party in Johnson Hall last night?” he asked. He was seated across the aisle from her and three rows up towards the front of the bus. He had to turn around to speak to her.

Amanda looked up from the textbook she was reading, a little annoyed at the intrusion. He was wearing an olive-green wool-sweater, a black down vest and a woolen hat of blue and white stripes despite the fact that it wasn’t very cold out. His thick, unkempt brown hair stuck out on all sides, and appeared as if it was growing, right in front of her eyes. He looked, ridiculous. But she liked his clear gray eyes, and the way he smiled. The scruff on his face gave him a rugged appearance.

“No, I wasn’t there,” she said unsmiling.

“Hmm, well maybe I’ve seen you in my political science recitation, you know, on Thursdays?”

“No, I don’t think so. I don’t take poly sci.”

“Too bad,” he said.

“Why?” she asked.

“You would have met me sooner.” Before his stop he stood up and walked back to where she was sitting. He took off his hat, and placed it on her head, causing her to cringe slightly.

“See ya,” he said.

He never asked her name, or where she lived.

Amanda saw Matt again on a Saturday afternoon. She was studying, tucked away in a corner of the science library. He was sitting at a table some distance away across from her. When he looked up, she quickly glanced away, but he knew she had noticed him.

“Hi!” he said, as he walked over and noisily plopping his backpack down. “I don’t normally study here, it’s always so quiet. I like a little noise when I study; it helps filter out the B.S. But sometimes I’ll just sit between the stacks in the philosophy section, wondering what Kant and Kirkegaard are thinking about all of the arrogant people who claim they understand their philosophy.”

It bothered Amanda that he assumed she wouldn’t mind him sitting and studying with her, and she had not understood his weird and cryptic statements.

Without the hat his hair, now combed and clean, looked nice and hung to his shoulders. When he asked her out, she said yes.

He took her to see “Tora, Tora, Tora”, an old war flick that was playing in the lecture halls. He told her he loved war movies, which seemed strange to her since in addition to political science, he also studied religion and philosophy, or so he said. When the movie was over he lamented over being born either too early or too late, and missing the opportunity to be in the military.

“If you want to be in the army, why don’t you join up?” she asked.

“What, enlist? You’re kidding, right?” he said laughing.

He held her hand as they walked back to her dorm. He kissed her on the cheek at the entrance to the building and said he’d come by again.

She didn’t see him anymore, even though she looked for him. She overcame her disappointment and just assumed he wasn’t interested in her because she wasn’t that “kind of girl” and went back to her studying.