PDA

View Full Version : The first novel. to get a sense heres a taste.



Akhilleus
October 20th, 2010, 08:29 AM
hey everyone! well ive been working on my third attempt at writing a novel. heres a sample from chapter 2. im sure there are a few grammatical errors but just wanted to know what you felt about it, in terms of style tone, what jumps out at you, ect. thanks!:grin::grin::grin:

Chapter 2
For as long as I could remember, I loved the thrill of danger, of walking alone late at night through empty run down streets. To be honest, not only did I love it, I lived for it; and I lived for it because it made me feel alive; and it made me feel alive because I knew that at any given moment, someone may not want me alive at all. It was the feeling of death without ever actually being dead. Thatís why many around that neighborhood walked with such a swagger, almost jumping off the ground to show their unearthly nature. That's what being a god felt like and it was a feeling so attractive that I had given up everything for it.

It was a typical Friday night in Montreal. The elites were heading home after a night out of wining and dining; the kids were going to the clubs and bars downtown; and, some people, stayed home with family and friends. But what of those who didnít have any of that? Where exactly did they go? They went to the closed down school yards, empty parking lots, parks, dumpsters, abandoned houses, and to train tracks that they probably wished were still in use. They were as desolate as the places they went and the only thing that could keep them going was getting their fix. And because I was so caring; because I was so kind; wherever they went, I had someone there to provide them with just that.
But living the streets wasnít just an addiction; it was also a fixation. Who would come out of the next alleyway? Who was walking behind me? Was I being followed? The first lesson of living around here was to never turn around. The act of turning always aroused suspicion because it meant you were afraid.
Fear was really the only human sin and I admit that for a time, I was a sinner too. I was afraid of losing that thrill of the streets and when that day came that I realized that the thrill had gone, I wasnít overwhelmed by emptiness or by sadness; no, instead, I almost died of laughter.
ďWhatís so funnyĒ Joe asked while not even looking at me; he was too busy watching the third period of the hockey game. Only after laughing even louder and slamming my hand against the table did he turn his head away from the television to look at me. ďWhatís so funnyĒ he asked again with more insistence and a chuckle.
I had never understood until then why people would laugh at the laughter of others without ever knowing what the other was actually laughing about. It was because Joe had some sort of affection for me and as a consequence of this affection he assumed that what I was laughing about was something worthy of laughter. And thatís why he needed to know what I was laughing about. If a stranger laughed as hysterically as I was, youíd never care to think of what the stranger was laughing about, if anything youíd think the stranger was a complete fool.

Joe trusted me. In fact, I was really the only person he trusted and could trust. Thatís how this business worked; you had to find that person you could trust your life with. Thatís the trust Joe had for me. But the problem of course was that to trust someone with your life meant being certain that this someone would be prepared to do the same for you. Poor old Joe was certain of all that too. Poor old Joe had it all wrong; he didnít know that the act of giving oneís life for someone else only existed, at best, in the movies; he didnít know that what I was really laughing about was actually him, poor old Joe, him and all his pettiness, him and all his nothingness.

Fussion289
October 20th, 2010, 03:53 PM
Seems like your on the right track :) I'd happy to crituque/post an edited reply if you wanted.

Marley
October 21st, 2010, 05:17 AM
This sounds like a pretty interesting story. The style is alright but in maybe just a bit wordy. You describe things well, but for some reason (to me) it feel like your getting a bit repetitive.

For Example:

Only after laughing even louder and slamming my hand against the table did he turn his head away from the television to look at me. “What’s so funny” he asked again with more insistence and a chuckle.
I had never understood until then why people would laugh at the laughter of others without ever knowing what the other was actually laughing about. It was because Joe had some sort of affection for me and as a consequence of this affection he assumed that what I was laughing about was something worthy of laughter. And that’s why he needed to know what I was laughing about. If a stranger laughed as hysterically as I was, you’d never care to think of what the stranger was laughing about, if anything you’d think the stranger was a complete fool.

I understand that your trying to put some emphasis on the laughter but maybe just try to switch some words around so it doesn't sound so repetitive. (Could just be me though >_<) Also, you've started a few sentences with "And" in this story, a pet peeve of mine. Using And at the start of a sentence can be good to put a certain spin on it, but a lot of times its just unnecessary.

Keep up the good work! :-)

Akhilleus
October 21st, 2010, 07:45 PM
Thanks for the comments. You're right about the 'and". The repetitiveness was kind of on purpose, but yeah i think your right; doesn't sound great, ill change it around. Thanks!

Olly Buckle
October 21st, 2010, 08:27 PM
For as long as I could remember, I loved the thrill of danger, of walking alone late at night through empty run down streets.You have been walking down empty streets alone at night for as long as you can remember? Is your memory short or were your parents very negligent?



The act of turning always aroused suspicion because it meant you were afraid.
I don't think fear arouses suspicion, do you mean "attracted unwelcome attention"


I had never understood until then why people would laugh at the laughter of others without ever knowing what the other was actually laughing about.This could do with editing down, try,
I had not understood why people laugh at the laughter of others without knowing what they were laughing about.
The same goes for what follows to the end of the paragraph, and the last sentence is almost totally redundant, less is more is a good rule of thumb.

Unca Walt
October 22nd, 2010, 01:46 AM
Good points, Oily.

Akhilleus
October 22nd, 2010, 07:35 AM
ha your first point made me laugh. its true, although in this case the guy in question didnt have much of a family. but yeah its a little over the top. yeah i think attracted unwelcome attention is more what i was getting at. and the little bit about less is more is very true - something i got to work on. thanks for the help!