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cassie30
October 19th, 2010, 08:39 PM
Back in the 21st century as a child she was able to climb trees easily. On the ground in front her she found a purse. Caitlin opened the purse and in the purse she found a small blue comb and mirror. She ran the small blue comb through ebony hair. Then she picked up the mirror and as she stared at her face her blue eyes seemed to be laughing back at her. Gazing up at the sky Caitlin was shocked to see cars floating in the air.

do you think i need this paragraph

Grapefight
October 24th, 2010, 04:23 PM
Yes. I mean no. I mean... wait, what?

Unca Walt
October 24th, 2010, 04:45 PM
Oh dear.

cassie30
October 25th, 2010, 07:35 PM
okay so do either of you have any more feed back for me

cassie30
November 8th, 2010, 10:15 PM
On her first day in the 31st century a rat mugged Caitlin as she walked the streets of Los Vegas. The rat towered over her by an inch. The rats’ eyes were blue and beady, and in place of rat paws it had bird claws. Instead of walking the streets moved long and took Caitlin were she wanted to go. Back in the 21st century Caitlin’s mom had her frozen because she dying of the West Nile Virus.

cassie30
November 17th, 2010, 08:21 PM
does anyone have any ideas on how improve the above paragraph

cassie30
December 19th, 2010, 08:55 PM
no comments at all

shadows
December 19th, 2010, 10:11 PM
Hi Cassie

It is quite hard to critique individual paragraphs taken out of a bigger story but since you ask. Firstly how does it connect to the first paragraph you posted?



On her first day in the 31st century a rat mugged Caitlin as she walked the streets of Los Vegas. The rat towered over her by an inch. The ratsí eyes were blue and beady, and in place of rat paws it had bird claws. Instead of walking the streets moved long and took Caitlin were she wanted to go. Back in the 21st century Caitlinís mom had her frozen because she dying of the West Nile Virus.

The last sentence doesn't follow on at all from the rest. How does she get from the 21st century to the 31st.

What is the connection between the rat creature mugging her and the moving pavements?

Looking at the part with the rat, it feels very staccato. Something only an inch taller wouldn't tower over you.

It would flow better if you said something like (and this is just an example to give you an idea)


The rat was an inch taller than her. Its eyes were blue and beady and it had bird claws instead of paws.


Also think about putting some emotion - how does she feel seeing a rat that is taller than her, with bird claws

cassie30
December 21st, 2010, 09:50 PM
thank you for your input

Pain
December 22nd, 2010, 04:26 AM
Hi Cassie

It is quite hard to critique individual paragraphs taken out of a bigger story but since you ask. Firstly how does it connect to the first paragraph you posted?



Agreed.




Looking at the part with the rat, it feels very staccato. Something only an inch taller wouldn't tower over you.



Unless Caitlin was very small, and an inch a gigantic difference. But then it would be a very small comb, mirror and bag.

Can you post more of the story?

Johnathanrs
December 22nd, 2010, 05:58 AM
Here you go.
The year was 2100. (Narration insert)
(After Narration)
(Introduce the character Caitlin)
(After Introduction)
Caitlin opened her purse to find a small comb and mirror, (Insert a reason or describe a purpose for doing this action)
She ran her comb through her hair, while gazing in the mirror. In the background, she spotted (We can define Caitlin as “she” because we have already established who we are talking about.) a floating car.

cassie30
December 22nd, 2010, 08:49 PM
Gasping, Caitlin awoke! Her vocal chords are frozen so screaming is impossible. The blinding light hit her eyes hard.
As Caitlin’s mind began to clear, she saw two figures standing nearby, a stubby man and a lanky female, who were dressed like lab scientist. They stared down at her naked form like she was some kind of lab rat.
Next thing Caitlin knew they begun to examine her. They stuck her with needles everywhere. Then the scientist began by probing into her intimate parts. They put needles up her butt, up her underarms, the poked and prodded Caitlin. To keep her from screaming they put a muzzle over her mouth. After two full hours of uncomfortable examinations, Caitlin felt violated and dirty.
These anonymous, very uncaring scientists finally allowed to dress, providing a bright orange dress with lots of button down the front. As she slipped on the dress she felt scratchy all over. Feeling naked that undergarments weren’t offered Caitlin got up to leave. Finally they gestured to her to leave, showing her to the door that led to the outside. Caitlin heaved a sigh of relief.
On her first day in the 31st century a rat mugged Caitlin as she walked the streets of Los Vegas. The rat towered over her by an inch. The rats’ eyes were blue and beady, and in place of rat paws it had bird claws. Instead of walking the streets moved long and took Caitlin were she wanted to go. Back in the 21st century Caitlin’s mom had her frozen because she dying of the West Nile Virus.