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Sir.
October 19th, 2010, 08:08 PM
Calvin Harrison sat in the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse on a large leather chair behind a plain wooden desk. Tapping his pen three times on its surface, then turning and tapping three times again. He was waiting. One of the huge lights swinging from the ceiling in the wind started to buzz as the bulb began to fail; itsí whinging accompanied the regular tap, tap, tap.... tap, tap, tap as the pen rapped the desk. The sounds echoed round the warehouse. It stank of damp; there was a leak in one corner of the roof, the rain dripped in through it striking the ever growing pool below with a regular plop. Tap and plop, tap and plop always the same rhythm, a marching beat over the background buzz of the dying industrial light. There was a quiet crunch as the bulb broke, the march carried on. Tap, plop, tap, plop... plop, pausing Calvin looked up trying not to crumple his dishevelled suit, cocking his head as if listening for something. A whispered boom carried across the distance, the lights rattle on their dangling chains, Calvin looks back down at the desk, taps three times more. Then he got up, paused to straighten his suit and brushed some new layer of grime from one shoulder before turning and walked out of the warehouse, stopping at the huge steel doors to acclimatise to the freshness of the evening air. The wail of sirens begins in the distance. As if satisfied by the sound his lips momentarily twitch, trying to find an expression, that his face had long forgotten. Abandoning this effort, he left and went into the night, to catch a cab and drive away.

only leaving behind, in the centre of the desk a plain silver ring.

just a thought but I wonder if it would work better if the character didn't have a name but instead a alias?
as always feedback (especially criticism) more than welcome

Olly Buckle
October 19th, 2010, 11:24 PM
There are issues with the tense changing. Howeve the first sentence has one of my favourite catches in it, put the things together that go together,
"Calvin Harrison sat in the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse on a large leather chair behind a plain wooden desk."
If you take out the bit I have bolded the sentence still works, the sitting and the chair obviously go together.
So then you put it back on the end,
Calvin Harrison sat on a large leather chair, behind a plain wooden desk, in the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse.
That way there is no way you can conjure up a huge chair with a warehouse on it, and some reader will if you give them the chance.

garza
October 19th, 2010, 11:47 PM
I'm that reader. He's sitting in the middle of an empty warehouse which is perched on top of a big chair behind a plain but really enormous desk.

Olly is right. You really have to pay attention to the order of objects and actions. Remember 'throw Mama from the train a kiss'. This is the same sort of problem.

There are a few other problems, some not so serious. Here's one that needs correcting - '...before turning and walked out of the warehouse'. The sentence needs to be restructured to allow for the non parallel actions, or the two actions need to be made parallel.

You need to break that big block of type into two pieces. I would suggest a paragraph break at 'A whispered boom...'.

Sir.
October 20th, 2010, 09:04 PM
- fair comment, I knew the first line wasn't flowing very well I just hadn't put my finger on how it needed re arranging,

can I take it from this that you guys liked the piece though,apart from the syntax blunders?

Unca Walt
October 22nd, 2010, 01:50 AM
You guys do fine critiques... I guess I am gonna have to put in my oar to see if the sharks bite it in half.

The Backward OX
October 22nd, 2010, 10:56 AM
'Calvin looks back down' and 'The wail of sirens begins' are present tense; everything else is past.

Scarlett_156
October 22nd, 2010, 01:54 PM
Calvin Harrison sat in the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse on a large leather chair behind a plain wooden desk. Tapping his pen three times on its surface, then turning and tapping three times again. He was waiting. One of the huge lights swinging from the ceiling in the wind started to buzz as the bulb began to fail; itsí whinging accompanied the regular tap, tap, tap.... tap, tap, tap as the pen rapped the desk.

These first few sentences are pretty rugged. Others have commented on the first sentence.

The second sentence ("Tapping his pen...") isn't really a sentence. It's a fragment that wants to be a part of the first sentence, i.e., "...the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse on a large leather chair behind a plain wooden desk, tapping his pen three times..." OR made into a complete sentence thusly "...the middle of an otherwise empty warehouse on a large leather chair behind a plain wooden desk. He tapped his pen three times..."


...ceiling in the wind started to buzz as the bulb began to fail; itsí whinging accompanied...

The apostrophe on "its" is not needed.


A whispered boom carried across the distance...

I don't get it. :-k

And what the others said about paragraph breaks.

Anyway, that's what I saw when I just looked at it. I don't know what you mean by "alias"--he is your character, name him whatever you like. I suspect you may mean, "Should I call this character by his name, or just 'this guy' to create some tension?" but I'm not sure.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work!

Sir.
October 22nd, 2010, 03:41 PM
I shall have to redraft this I think in light of the syntax and tense blunders that have been duly noted, my thanks for your interest so far as always it is both highly helpful and very welcome.
unca walt please by all means contribute your oar, and if feeling generous a rowing boat along with it :) , I cannot complain about any criticism which I invite