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namesake
October 16th, 2010, 01:18 AM
This story has been removed for revision by the author.

michaelcthompson
October 16th, 2010, 04:25 PM
First, I want to say I think you could have a potentially cool story. I like the idea that because people can pretty much buy planets, there can be planets for virtually every kind of dream one would want to fulfill - i.e. a Utopia for instrumentalists. That allows a lot of room for expansion of the world and the story, and potentially for serialization. You seem to understand it's important to do something new with your story, which is definitely a major plus.

That being said, was this your first draft? There are too many problems to list everything, but I will start at the top.

Your writing style often gets kind of confusing, and there are many grammatical and punctual errors throughout this piece, so many that it disrupts the flow of the story. I think it's possible you were going for some kind of unique writing style, ala William S. Burroughs, but I don't think that accounts for the majority of the errors. I could be wrong, but most people will find the piece unappealing just trying to put together even your first paragraph. It was definitely a chore to wade through all of the mixed metaphors and unexplained information which popped up over the course of the story.


The liquor store was a metropolis, the city lights mirroring in eyes, and sights.

This is your second line. Are you saying the liquor store lights were mirroring in eyes? And the lights were mirroring in sights? I get the general idea of what you mean, but as a sentence that's not immediately understandable. These words are good ingredients to a sentence, but I think if you fleshed it out a little more, your work would suffer less for it.


On the table Dinion was eating cup cakes and people were ordering blue berry cheesecakes, he was a heroic person as he tipped the blade of a cheesecake like a ravaging hero stopping a person from stabbing.

I don't get this sentence at all.


Dinion hadn't taken from blue-colored rain.

This sentence sounds really cool, but once again has no meaning.


He slipped on the side after drinking alcohol his head spinning like a carousel. People could see him and they knew he was a spy. It was impossible that he was the world’s best spy.

Instead of being so general with the descriptions, you should be more specific. Without trying to totally re-write your sentence for you, I would change it to say "He slipped and fell on his side, after taking the shot, his head spinning like a carousel." Still not the best sentence, but at least more understandable. It's also strange that the end of your first paragraph is a complete contradiction of the beginning. As the narrator you should hold a consistent viewpoint or the story will not hold together.


He said at long last, then he died.

Sentences like these are underwhelming. Also, it's an incomplete sentence.


The thief, multiple-time and mega serial assassin took out his glasses, the light blinded for a moment in darkness. "Ask yourself what will happen if you die?" Calydron said with Oryonex now dead." You will create a enormous rupture of power in an explosion. You will explode even in millions of pieces if killrf. You were designed as a human that carried secrets. As part of an experiment. That was one your secrets. To this day I do not forget it. I will make you confess them all.”

In my opinion and experience, readers tend to feel cheated when plot points like this are sprung on them in dialogues out of the blue, with no further explanation elsewhere.


Dinion took his gun and destroyed it since he knew it was to follow him.

This sentence is confusing. Make sure each sentence can be understood in and of itself. The gun is to follow him? Or is there a device in the gun to follow him? Not trying to be nit-picky, but readers will appreciate when you flesh out sentences like this with more descriptive explanations.


"Hello, my name is Brent the secret operative.

So does he call himself Brent the secret operative? Or Brent, the secret operative?

These are just the mistakes I learned early on... no need to go through the whole post, the problems are all initially the ones I've listed examples of.

I don't think that it would serve you to completely take my advice - after all, we each have our own style. I am just letting you know what I would do to clean this piece up. You have some great ideas and I think as you edit this (many more times) that it could turn into something really great. There is certainly a sense of originality about it. I even like your confusing sentences like "Dinion hadn't taken from blue-colored rain." Although the sentence doesn't make sense, I find it visually and creatively appealing. Authors like William S. Burroughs managed to find a way to use sentences like this to create an entire new method of writing. You should read some of his works, as I think you might be able to make use of the method based on some of the interesting sentences you have put together in this piece.

Good luck! I look forward to seeing future edits.

namesake
October 16th, 2010, 04:50 PM
michaelcthompson

First, I want to say I think you could have a potentially cool story. I like the idea that because people can pretty much buy planets, there can be planets for virtually every kind of dream one would want to fulfill - i.e. a Utopia for instrumentalists. That allows a lot of room for expansion of the world and the story, and potentially for serialization. You seem to understand it's important to do something new with your story, which is definitely a major plus.



Hello, thank you for replying to this story. This was not my first draft. Rather I am not very fluent in written english. I have problems detecting grammar mistakes. That and I have no one to read my work a lot of the time which is why I went here.


The thief, multiple-time and mega serial assassin took out his glasses, the light blinded for a moment in darkness. "Ask yourself what will happen if you die?" Calydron said with Oryonex now dead." You will create a enormous rupture of power in an explosion. You will explode even in millions of pieces if killrf. You were designed as a human that carried secrets. As part of an experiment. That was one your secrets. To this day I do not forget it. I will make you confess them all.” In my opinion and experience, readers tend to feel cheated when plot points like this are sprung on them in dialogues out of the blue, with no further explanation elsewhere.



Not to spoil the story but anyways the idea of the story has to do with the plot which is that in the future people could potentially get secrets out of spies by getting them drunk. Since it was part of world building I thought that it was a good idea to include that idea in a paragraph. This has to do with making him confess his secrets. Since he is a body guard of a max millionaire he hold secrets. There is a conspiracy to world domination by using spies to take out what they know. He is an experiment since he will explode if killed. If you noticed, the assassin is not intent on killing him.


On the table Dinion was eating cup cakes and people were ordering blue berry cheesecakes, he was a heroic person as he tipped the blade of a cheesecake like a ravaging hero stopping a person from stabbing.

He works for a bar that influencial people go to. Hence criminals and the like. He is indeed a important person, and is welcome at the bar. Sadly I didn't know this would confuse you or was grammatically incorrect.



I don't think that it would serve you to completely take my advice - after all, we each have our own style. I am just letting you know what I would do to clean this piece up. You have some great ideas and I think as you edit this (many more times) that it could turn into something really great. There is certainly a sense of originality about it. I even like your confusing sentences like "Dinion hadn't taken from blue-colored rain." Although the sentence doesn't make sense, I find it visually and creatively appealing. Authors like William S. Burroughs managed to find a way to use sentences like this to create an entire new method of writing. You should read some of his works, as I think you might be able to make use of the method based on some of the interesting sentences you have put together in this piece.


I'm glad you helped me. I thought I had the grammar down. I am going to say that I need to be recommended a grammar book. My grammar schooling was not very good, I learned in a second language speaking country (for english).

Do you have a lot of knowledge in grammar, and if so can you recommend me a book so I can polish this more? There are so many books out there, but only the ones that can address my problems are worth it. So many of them do not have what I need. It seems that they are sold so that people can blindly buy them and not receive help. It is sort like writing books that most are vague and do not clearly explain things. Then you can't improve.

Also if you have a story I can offer a critique, I am a person with good will. I want to address all your questions.


Good luck! I look forward to seeing future edits.
Thanks you motivated me. If anyone can recommend me how to fix my grammar mistake by learning the rules, you have no idea how helpful this could be of help.

I am not familiar with burroughs but I will get acquainted with him if he writes science fiction.

michaelcthompson
October 16th, 2010, 05:30 PM
I wish I could recommend a grammar book to you, but I learned most of my skills from reading other authors' work in fiction. I've just kind of developed them over time. If you read some other books written in English, perhaps you can absorb some of the skills of the authors!