PDA

View Full Version : Imperial Report



Kordain
October 14th, 2010, 03:41 AM
this is one part of the story with Dank in it for those of you who liked that. please read and if you don't read the whole thing because you became disinterested tell me what i could do to make you read the whole thing. if you only read the first line tell me why only the first line. please give me feedback so i can make it better so you can enjoy it more. I'm sorry i forgot to capitalize sorry I'll fix it soon. thanks and enjoy.



“Emperor Corianur,” Said a muffled voice followed by a banging on the huge double doors leading to the emperors work chamber.

“Come in,” The emperor called back. The lock on the door unwound and the doors made a loud *clock*. As they parted a rather well dressed man walked in, his blue robe gently flowing behind him. He walked across the long room over the marble floor towards a large round table with a hole in the middle. There a man sat wearing a purple tunic, white trousers, purple shoes, and a modest crown on his head. Hanging from the ceiling by several thin chains there appeared to be a large glass dish. On the ceiling, in the size and shape of the table, was a rail from which the dish could move around the it.

The man walked briskly to the round table. The emperor was writing something on a piece of paper. Between his eyes and the paper he was writing on was the glass dish. When the man stopped emperor looked up and pushed the dish aside, it moved with a slight creak. “Yes Cobble?”

“This is a message from Princess Reno’s guards.” Cobble pulled a small rolled up piece of paper from inside his robes and handed it to the emperor just as he began to ask, “why did this take to long to get here?”

“The messenger hawks are the fastest form of communication we have now, you got rid of the teleporters.”

The emperor mumbled something then placed the message on the table and pulled the glass dish back over it. He took a moment to read it them moved the dish back. He looked up at cobble his wavy silver hair falling over his shoulders.
“where is she heading?” he asked Cobble.

“They don’t know.”

“How many people does she have with her?”

“You know as much as I do sire. In the report she had only her sword and two mercenaries.”

“Well she can’t do much damage with that now can she. i want to know about every place she goes, and if she appears to me heading towards Tier I want to know.”

“Sire,” he said with a sigh. “she has to get through the 35 locks, she can’t…she’ll never be able get here without half the army behind her. You know the saying, not even out own army could take it if they wanted to.”

“yes I’ve heard what the old council has told our people to make us think we’re invincible. However Barda, a country that is less than a quarter our size continues to hold it ground in Plasta, this little irritation is beginning to become more like a big problem. Things degraded during the councils rule, I brought our country from the brink and now it declines again. I don’t yet know the nature of its decline but I know it’s happening.”

“Sire…”

The emperor stood up and turned around, “the Bardans have something we don’t.”

“How ‘bout mages.”Mages had been banded throughout the empire because he said that magic wielders were the greatest threat to the empire. The band was less than two years old.

The emperor ignored him, “it’s true we haven’t had many volunteers to fight but with the new law I’m cooking up right now I’ll fix that quite right.” He walked to the edge of the table and pulled up the surface and then walked toward the windows that were several men high. one window was brand new that had replaced the old broken one, now bars were being installed over the windows by workmen.

“You’re going to call the people to arms? Your laws states that the people can only be called to arms if the country is being invaded. for now you can only stick to the local militia and the professional army.”

“The Bardans wander our lands.”

“The lands they conquered while we were dealing with the Shilians.”

“Yet our land it is Cobble.”

“Sire we are not being invaded. We are invading them.”

“Its our land.”

“It was, now its theirs.”

“Cobble, do you realize that in the savage lands of the east a king would strike a man down where he stands if he spoke to him like that.”

“I’m only…”

“However, fortunately for you Cobble I’m not a barbarous tyrant king, I’m the emperor of the Naporian Empire.”

“I thank you sire. You…”

“But you are giving no more valuable advice than the droppings of the hawk that send the note. I ask that you think before you speak.”

“I apologize sire. I meant no disrespect.”

“Apology accepted. Now, have the scouts turned out any rangers lately?”

“No sire, the rangers seem to be very stealthy and avoid detection.”

“The scouts, what sort to equipment are they carrying in their mission? Swords and the like?”

“Of course sire.”

“Why are they armed?”

“For self defense.”

“Groups of half a dozen men could not win a fight against more than one ranger in their territory. They could not defend themselves even with weapons. Send them to scout unarmed so that they aren’t perceived as a threat.”

“I can arrange that, although it will take some time for the change to be made. The messenger hawks can only fly so fast.”

“Indeed,” the emperor said after a sigh. “Right Cobble that is all I need. You can go home I have no further need today, just another law to draft and weed out the loop holes.”

“Thank you sire,” Cobble said very formally. He turned and walked back down the long room to the two doors. He pulled them and they opened with little effort. He walked past the phoenix guards standing in a row. All in the best armor the imperial treasury could buy. Red leather sealed on alloyed steel edged with bronze trim, tall shields, long spears occupied their hands. He walked through the large hall where he could see the light from the outside. He walked out the doorway and turned toward a corner in the courtyard. He pushed past a tree till he couldn’t be seen by anyone.

He looked around placed his palms together and focused. His image changed, like a red hologram whose signal was quickly getting weaker, kshhhhhhhhhh…. He faded until after a couple seconds he was completely gone.

rochester
October 14th, 2010, 02:56 PM
this is one part of the story with Dank in it for those of you who liked that. please read and if you don't read the whole thing because you became disinterested tell me what i could do to make you read the whole thing. if you only read the first line tell me why only the first line. please give me feedback so i can make it better so you can enjoy it more. I'm sorry i forgot to capitalize sorry I'll fix it soon. thanks and enjoy.

“Emperor Corianur,” said a muffled voice followed by a banging on the huge double doors leading to the emperors work chamber. I think this is just a simple thing here.

“Come in,” the emperor called back. The lock on the door unwound and the doors made a loud *clock*. As they parted, a rather well dressed man walked in, his blue robe gently flowing behind him. He walked across the long room over the marble floor towards a large round table with a hole in the middle. There a man sat wearing a purple tunic, white trousers, purple shoes, and a modest crown on his head. Hanging from the ceiling by several thin chains, there appeared to be a large glass dish. On the ceiling, in the size and shape of the table, was a rail from which the dish could move around it (the table).

The man walked briskly to the round table. The emperor was writing something on a piece of paper. Between his eyes and the paper he was writing on was the glass dish. When the man stopped emperor looked up and pushed the dish aside, it moved with a slight creak. “Yes Cobble?”

“This is a message from Princess Reno’s guards.” Cobble pulled a small rolled-up piece of paper from inside his robes and handed it to the emperor just as he began to ask (speak), “Why did this take to long to get here?”

“The messenger hawks are the fastest form of communication we have now, you got rid of the teleporters.”

The emperor mumbled something then placed the message on the table and pulled the glass dish back over it. He took a moment to read it them moved the dish back. He looked up at cobble his wavy silver hair falling over his shoulders.
“Where is she heading?” he asked Cobble.

“They don’t know.”

“How many people does she have with her?”

“You know as much as I do sire. In the report she had only her sword and two mercenaries.”

“Well she can’t do much damage with that, now can she. If she appears to me heading towards tier I want to know.” (This last sentence is confusing).

“Sire,” he said with a sigh. “she has to get through the 35 locks, she can’t…she’ll never be able get here without half the army behind her. You know the saying, not even our own army could take it if they wanted to.”

“Yes I’ve heard what the old council has told our people to make us think we’re invincible. However Barda, a country that is less than a quarter our size continues to hold it ground in Plasta, this little irritation is beginning to become more like a big problem. Things degraded during the council's rule, I brought our country from the brink and now it declines again. I don’t yet know the nature of its decline but I know it’s happening.”

“Sire…”

The emperor stood up and turned around. “The Bardans have something we don’t.”

“How ‘bout mages.”Mages had been banded (banned?) throughout the empire because he said that magic wielders were the greatest threat to the empire. The band (again, ban?) was less than two years old.

The emperor ignored him. “It’s true we haven’t had many volunteers to fight but with the new law I’m cooking up right now I’ll fix that quite right.” He walked to the edge of the table and pulled up the surface and then walked toward the windows that were several men high.

“You’re going to call the people to arms? Your laws states that the people can only be called to arms if the country is being invaded.”

“The Bardans wander our lands.”

“The lands they conquered while we were dealing with the Shilians.”

“Yet our land it is Cobble.”

“Sire we are not being invaded. We are invading them.”

“It's our land.”

“It was, now its theirs.”

“Cobble, do you realize that in the savage lands of the east a king would strike a man down where he stands if he spoke to him like that.”

“I’m only…”

“However, fortunately for you Cobble I’m not a barbarous tyrant king, I’m the emperor of the Naporian Empire.”

“I thank you sire. You…”

“But you are giving no more valuable advice than the hawk droppings that send the note. I ask that you think before you speak.”

“I apologize sire. I meant no disrespect.”

“Apology accepted. Now, have the scouts turned out any rangers lately?”

“Ao sire, the rangers seem to be very stealthy and avoid detection.”

“The scouts, what sort to equipment are they carrying in their mission? Swords and the like?”

“Of course sire.”

“Why are they armed?”

“For self defense.”

“Groups of half a dozen men could not win a fight against more than one ranger in their territory.” They could not defend themselves even with weapons. Send them to scout unarmed so that they aren’t perceived as a threat.”

“I can arrange that, although it will take some time for the change to be made. The messenger hawks can only fly so fast.”

“Indeed,” the emperor said after a sigh. “Right Cobble that is all I need. You can go home I have no further need today, just another law to draft and weed out the loop holes.”

“Thank you sire,” Cobble said very formally. He turned and walked back down the long room to the two doors. He pulled them and they opened with little effort. He walked past the phoenix guards standing in a row. All in the best armor the imperial treasury could buy. Red leather sealed on alloyed steel edged with bronze trim, tall shields, long spears occupied their hands. He walked through the large hall where he could see the light from the outside. He walked out the doorway and turned toward a corner in the courtyard. He pushed past a tree till he couldn’t be seen by anyone.

He looked around placed his palms together and focused. His image changed, like a red hologram whose signal was quickly getting weaker, kshhhhhhhhhh…. He faded until after a couple seconds he was completely gone.



In all, it's fair. I get a gist of the storyline here. However, some of the language you use made things confusing for me. I've indicated the parts where I feel you need to fix, but overall it isn't very shabby. It's a good start, but I think it needs a little more.

namesake
October 15th, 2010, 12:15 AM
I noticed that you are doing a plot that is entertainment oriented. What do I mean by that? It is not based on character development. You need to lay the foundation for it. It is not completely acceptable unless you start from the beginning. I am going to say plot for sake of developing plot can be a good thing but I suggest characters get introduced, and fleshed out in unique ways to see their persona.

I am not much of a grammar veteran like the person who commented. If you need more help let me know. But character development is a way to develop a plot. Anylyzing a character's emotions and subjecting them to obstacles. That way you can write a lot more, and you writing would be better. As it stands now I think you need to focus on that. Let me know anything.

Kordain
October 15th, 2010, 04:43 AM
I guess I forgot so say this is a segment that makes a bit more sense if you read my threads called 'Dank' and 'Magnir's Quest' they are both the same world and tie in to the same story. I thank you both for your help although my main problem is detail, some times I want the reader to know something but I don't know where to put it or how to say it.

Kordain
October 15th, 2010, 04:44 AM
Kshhhhhhh…. Cobble’s form appeared outside some ruins that were near the palace. Like a red phantom made of static he solidified only seconds. He took in a deep breath then looked around. The trees surrounding the ruins gave it space although young saplings were starting to grow near. The ruins were white with tall white arches extending toward the sky. This making a circle around an area that was only staves wide. In the center of the circle was an intricate symbol that glowed green.

He crept around the pillars the granted entrance to the center. These ruins were the remains of the Naporian teleportation network. The device in the ruins did not teleport people only those with the gift of teleportation could use it. All it did was enhancing their ability and increase their range to hundreds of miles instead of two or three. In the user did not possess the ability nothing would happen.

The sun was past its highest point and getting lower. Cobble removed his cloak, robes and laid them in a pile next to one of the pillars. His vest over his shirt was the only thing covering his torso. He glanced at the blue sky above wondering how long he must wait. It turned out it wasn’t long, a tall muscled man walked from the forest. The man had a vested shirt on with brown trousers. All over his body were straps and buckles keeping his clothes tight against his body. he walked slowly towards the teleportation station, he had his head straight ahead and as Cobble got a better look at him he realized he could take on several adversaries based just on his strength alone. His muscles bulged through his clothes and flexed as he walked. He had zero hair on his head, or even on his arms and legs.

Cobble waited as patiently as he could, tapping his toe on the ground. The man walked up the short steps and onto the magical platform. Cobble stepped closer to the man, “I hope you know that magic is illegal right?”

“Of course I know.”

“Alright Mr.….”

“Shokiru.”

“Now Mr. Shokiru…”

“Just Shokiru.”

“The emperor’s daughter had gone renegade and she must be killed by you. If there are to be any witnesses that will be your choice. I have no concern for such matters just as long as she is killed.”

“Is this sanctioned by the emperor?”

“Of course not. He wouldn’t try to kill his own daughter, even he would do that, only in self defense would he slay a man either that or in battle. I want here dead because she is going to mess with my plans, if she is left alive then the emperor will free or send men to rescue her. So she must be unrescueable. She has two mercenaries with her will that be a problem; you won’t be paid extra for killing them.”

“Everyone I hunt is a problem, but that is why skill is needed, to overcome those problems. It will be difficult but I am confident in myself.”

“How do I know you are capable of killing them, she is Yashen so she is capable defending herself to a degree. Can I see a demonstration of your powers just to make sure you have the ability? most people are unlike myself after the ban they stop using their powers and gifts I however am not afraid using what God Marstor gave me.”

“Of course.” Shokiru smiled he turned to one of the pillars further from the platform they were standing on. He raised his arm toward it, made a fist, and punched the air. A pulse of air and pressure shot through the air and struck the ancient pillar near the top. The stone it struck fractured into pieces and the rest fell over, the top most stone landed on the stairs cracking its surface. Dust scattered from the blast, and debris fell over both mens' shoulders.
“How’s that?”

“That will do just fine, a Yashen’s powers aren’t even the same nature as yours, and I have confidence in you as well.”

“How about payment?”

“Mmm yes you will be paid 75 gold pieces for your services. That sounds good.”

“That is very generous of you; I appreciate your offer I accept.”

“Very well then you may start whenever you wish there is a 45 day time restriction.”

Shokiru began to walk towards the road that led from the station to the palace that was not two miles off. “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said.

Kordain
November 5th, 2010, 11:32 PM
Kshhhhhhh…. Cobble’s form appeared outside some ruins that were near the palace. Like a red phantom made of static he solidified only seconds. He took in a deep breath then looked around. The trees surrounding the ruins gave it space although young saplings were starting to grow near. The ruins were white with tall white arches extending toward the sky. This making a circle around an area that was only staves wide. In the center of the circle was an intricate symbol that glowed green.


He crept around the pillars the granted entrance to the center. These ruins were the remains of the Naporian teleportation network. The device in the ruins did not teleport people only those with the gift of teleportation could use it. All it did was enhancing their ability and increase their range to hundreds of miles instead of two or three. In the user did not possess the ability nothing would happen.


The sun was past its highest point and getting lower. Cobble removed his cloak, robes and laid them in a pile next to one of the pillars. His vest over his shirt was the only thing covering his torso. He glanced at the blue sky above wondering how long he must wait. It turned out it wasn’t long, a tall muscled man walked from the forest. The man had a vested shirt on with brown trousers. All over his body were straps and buckles keeping his clothes tight against his body. he walked slowly towards the teleportation station, he had his head straight ahead and as Cobble got a better look at him he realized he could take on several adversaries based just on his strength alone. His muscles bulged through his clothes and flexed as he walked. He had zero hair on his head, or even on his arms and legs.



Cobble waited as patiently as he could, tapping his toe on the ground. The man walked up the short steps and onto the magical platform. Cobble stepped closer to the man, “I hope you know that magic is illegal right?”


“Of course I know.”


“Alright Mr.….”


“Shokiru.”


“Now Mr. Shokiru…”


“Just Shokiru.”


“The emperor’s daughter had gone renegade and she must be killed by you. If there are to be any witnesses that will be your choice. I have no concern for such matters just as long as she is killed.”


“Is this sanctioned by the emperor?”


“Of course not. He wouldn’t try to kill his own daughter, even he would do that, only in self defense would he slay a man either that or in battle. I want here dead because she is going to mess with my plans, if she is left alive then the emperor will free or send men to rescue her. So she must be unrescueable. She has two mercenaries with her will that be a problem; you won’t be paid extra for killing them.”


“Everyone I hunt is a problem, but that is why skill is needed, to overcome those problems. It will be difficult but I am confident in myself.”


“How do I know you are capable of killing them, she is Yashen so she is capable defending herself to a degree. Can I see a demonstration of your powers just to make sure you have the ability?”


“Of course.” Shokiru smiled he turned to one of the pillars further from the platform they were standing on. He raised his arm toward it, made a fist, and punched the air. A pulse of air and pressure shot through the air and struck the ancient pillar almost at the top. The stone it struck fractured into pieces and the rest fell over the top most stone landed on the stairs cracking its surface. Dust scattered from the blast debris fell over both men’s shoulders.


“How’s that?”


“That will do just fine, a Yashen’s powers aren’t even the same nature as yours, and I have confidence in you as well.”


“How about payment?”


“Mmm yes you will be paid 75 gold pieces for your services. That sounds good.”


“That is very generous of you; I appreciate your offer, I accept.”


“Very well then you may start whenever you wish there is a 45 day time restriction.”


Shokiru began to walk towards the road that led from the station to the palace that was not two miles off. “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said.