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Pongy
October 10th, 2010, 01:16 PM
Hi there,

I'm working on a synopsis for a screenplay, please have a look and comment - it's supposed to be a comedy so try to see it from the bright side.

Kind regards

Pongy

---













SUNSET BEACH


BY PONGY


Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu (http://goo.gl/nnXu)




























BENNY


Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.


KENNY


Very interesting.


BENNY


I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.


KENNY


Dude, itís always sunny in California.

The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.


BENNY


Yo, thatís just amazing.


SAM


Are you referring to the sunset?


KENNY


Benny, youíre such a dork.


SAM


Listen, Benny, we know youíve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...


BENNY


Oh come on, donít give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.


KENNY


Admit it, youíre sad. And youíre turning a bit gay.


BENNY


No way, thatís out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

Later that afternoon, in the bar.


SAM


Letís have a glass of orange juice each.


BENNY


Nah, I want a Mai Tai.


KENNY


And I want some absolut vodka.


SAM


Thatís preposterous. Iíve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

The morning after.


SAM


Ok boys, time to get up.


BENNY


But itís 6 AM.


KENNY


Yeah, whatís that all about?


SAM


Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.


BENNY


Youíve gotta be kidding.


KENNY.


Yeah. Itís a joke. I ainít getting up.


SAM


Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

The cheerful trio go to work in an assembly factory.


KENNY


For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.


BENNY


Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.


SAM


Carry on now, we shall overcome.


KENNY


Remind me why weíre doing this.


SAM


Itís every responsible citizenís duty to do his best for society.


KENNY


But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.


SAM


Oh no, there wonít be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.


KENNY


Aw, youíre making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.


BENNY


Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. Iím almost ok with it, though itís a bit tedious.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.


SAM


I have to confess something guys.


BENNY


Oh, what now?


KENNY


This canít be good.


SAM


I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.


KENNY


Youíre such a dork.


BENNY


Careful Kenny. You know heís a bit crazy.


SAM


God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.


KENNY


Thatís it, Iím leaving.


SAM


Youíre not. You know I know things about you that you donít want the press to know.


KENNY


!(/§&#%(#%


BENNY (Whispering)


Heís dangerous.


SAM


From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.


BENNY


Oh god.


SAM


Do not use the lordís name in vain.

vangoghsear
October 10th, 2010, 03:04 PM
Hi, welcome to the forum.

I won't address any issues of format, if there are any, others know that better than I do. I'll just focus on the content.

Most of the humor seems to be depending on one liners that lack a punchline, more situational. Think of some ways to bring some less expected humor in. For example:



KENNY

For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

BENNY

A lobotomy? Don't you have to have a brain to get one of those?

KENNY

Ha, ha.

SAM

Carry on now, we shall overcome.

KENNY

Remind me why weíre doing this.

SAM

Itís every responsible citizenís duty to do his best for society.

KENNY

But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

SAM

That's your best?

KENNY

It might be. Works for me.

SAM

Oh no, there wonít be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears...

BENNY

...To make your flip-flops for your leisurely beach strolls.

Pongy
October 10th, 2010, 03:53 PM
My sense of humor is often subtle and incomprehensible. I appreciate your feedback but I do not agree to the changes you suggest. For crying out loud, your avatar is a Simpson's figure, that's not my kind of humor at all.

vangoghsear
October 10th, 2010, 11:16 PM
That's fine. I don't expect you to use my suggestions, just to look at your work with new eyes towards the humor. Someone else may say they get your humor that would be great.

The Simpson's avatar is a carryover from when I joined the forum many years ago. I don't change it because I can recognize my own posts quicker. That and I'm too lazy.

Originality is great in writing and can work well in humorous dramatic work (just look at M.A.S.H., the movie, groundbreaking in its day. Very original movie). You just need it to reach your intended audience (which, granted, I may not be). In drama, more so than in other writing forms, subtlety is risky. As a role is performed, subtle humor may be missed, where in a book it can be reread.

Pongy
October 12th, 2010, 08:56 AM
Interesting point of views.

I guess the benefit of writing as a hobby is you don't have to care too much about whether the result is popular or not. I can only imagine what those professional screenwriters e.g. for TV shows have to go through on a monthly basis, sweating to perform, anxious to be funny... You know like the crew behind shows such as Two and a Half Men... That show is not really funny in my humble opinion and I believe it may be because those guys have to come up with gags, whereas real humor just sort of shows up where you least expect it.

Loulou
October 12th, 2010, 02:20 PM
Hey Pongy,

Are you merely writing as a hobby or are you hoping to submit this screenplay?

If it's the former then perhaps just get friends to read instead and act it out for fun etc. A play needs to be heard to know if it really works. But if this is merely a hobby that doesn't really matter.

If it's the latter and you're aiming somewhere with your screenplay then Vangoghsear has some valid points. A collection of witty/silly lines does not make a comedy. You still need strong characters, a story, development. The dialogue below (and some other parts) was very stiff and unnatural, not the kind of thing people really say. Listen to people talking to one another.


BENNY



Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.



KENNY



Very interesting.



BENNY



I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

Pongy
October 12th, 2010, 02:38 PM
Loulou,

I'm writing as a hobby but I certainly wouldn't mind someone actually doing something with the synopsis, be that a YouTube video or whatever. I'd like to write for comics too.

In terms of dialogue I'd say you can never be quite sure how people converse since every conversation is essentially new. Please bear in mind that it's a comedy, stiff and unnatural dialogue may occasionally lead to increased tensions i.e. build up to the comic relief.

Pongy
October 12th, 2010, 02:45 PM
SUNSET BEACH


BY PONGY


Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu (http://goo.gl/nnXu)




























BENNY


Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.


KENNY


Very interesting.


BENNY


I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.


KENNY


Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.


BENNY


Yo, that’s just amazing.


SAM


Are you referring to the sunset?


KENNY


Benny, you’re such a dork.


SAM


Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...


BENNY


Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.


KENNY


Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.


BENNY


No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

Later that afternoon, in the bar.


SAM


Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.


BENNY


Nah, I want a Mai Tai.


KENNY


And I want some absolut vodka.


SAM


That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

The morning after.


SAM


Ok boys, time to get up.


BENNY


But it’s 6 AM.


KENNY


Yeah, what’s that all about?


SAM


Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.


BENNY


You’ve gotta be kidding.


KENNY.


Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.


SAM


Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.
The cheerful trio go to work in an assembly factory.


KENNY


For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.


BENNY


Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.


SAM


Carry on now, we shall overcome.


KENNY


Remind me why we’re doing this.


SAM


It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.


KENNY


But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.


SAM


Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.


KENNY


Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.


BENNY


Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.


SAM


I have to confess something guys.


BENNY


Oh, what now?


KENNY


This can’t be good.


SAM


I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.


KENNY


You’re such a dork.


BENNY


Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.


SAM


God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.


KENNY


That’s it, I’m leaving.


SAM


You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.


KENNY


!(/§&#%(#%


BENNY (Whispering)


He’s dangerous.


SAM


From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.


BENNY


Oh god.


SAM


Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.


KENNY


Thanks god it’s Friday.


SAM


I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.


KENNY


Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.


SAM


Be quiet, fool.


BENNY


Here we go again.


SAM


I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.


KENNY


What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.


SAM


Aargh!

Benny dodges under a desk.

Sonofjoe
October 13th, 2010, 09:00 PM
Synopsis – A short summery of a play, movie or book etc.
Might I suggest that you look at how the screenplay format should be written?

Pongy
October 15th, 2010, 10:01 AM
Sonofjoe,

Yeah, I know about the difference between synopses and screenplays, thank you very much, a bit smug I'd say.

Thing is, I want to write something more detailed than a synopsis but without all the extra details that you need to add to a screenplay. So consider this a syno-play or a screensis.

Like a Fox
October 15th, 2010, 11:25 AM
Hey Pongy,

I'm sure Sonofjoe was not being smug (and it's best to try not to let things get personal), some people truly come here like freshly hatched chickens in the writing world and wouldn't know what a synopsis was.

Now, as for this working as a synopsis, well it's not, because it isn't one, as you say. It's a bit of a diet screenplay. Which is fine but very hard to offer any meaningful critique on.
I can appreciate the jilted dialogue that you're going for, but I really think a lot of the humour is going to come through in the visuals. I think this would benefit from being really fleshed out as a proper screenplay.

I've been delving into the world of screenplays myself, and I often start simply with my dialogue. I'm surprised by how much fun I have going back and putting in the action.
I think you'll find this too and it will be a good outlet for your humour.

My screenwriting prof, who is a professional editor, is often harping on about making our characters sound like different people. I had a bit of trouble here distinguishing different voices between the three, though Sam's character seems a little more developed than the other two.

I've found working on my own stuff that having a decent synopsis and a working treatment are beyond helpful. Also, because screenplays are not only a creative document but a techincal document also, I recommend a program like CeltX to help you format it properly. Makes the process pretty simple and it's also kind of awesome seeing your words look like a proper working script.

I hope you get really into this and flesh it out some. Oh, and welcome to the forum :)

vangoghsear
October 15th, 2010, 02:30 PM
Also, Celtx is a free download.

Celtx - #1 Choice for Media Pre-Production (http://celtx.com/)

I let the synopsis definition slip by as well since you said you were writing for fun, but I agree that it is not what you have here. This is closer to a spec script, with minimal action described, and minimal scene descriptions.

Check out Celtx. Not bad at all for a free program.

Pongy
October 16th, 2010, 09:44 AM
Like a fox,
vangoghsear,

Right, I had a look at the screenplay format rules again and tried to at least add the action lines to begin with. Also I tried installing CeltX but it was quicker just to write the lines myself.

I haven't spent a lot of time on the script so far but every time someone's commented I've developed it a bit further.

From time to time especially a couple of years ago I would write regularly but in handwriting meaning I could never post the stuff on forums because transcribing was a bit of a drag.

Also, I've found that I need to have a proper day job to fully enjoy writing. I wrote so much crap as a student and when I was between jobs a couple of years ago.

Man it's cold here in Northern Scandinavia but that makes it easier to focus on writing. A couple of days ago the first snow fell.

Thanks for your feedback so far, much appreciated.

Pongy
October 16th, 2010, 09:45 AM
SUNSET BEACH

BY PONGY

Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu (http://goo.gl/nnXu)

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT.

Two young men and a middle-aged man walk along the beach.


BENNY

Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

KENNY

Very interesting.

BENNY

I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

KENNY

Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOTEL - NIGHT.

The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.


BENNY

Yo, that’s just amazing.

SAM

Are you referring to the sunset?

KENNY

Benny, you’re such a dork.

SAM

Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...

BENNY

Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.

KENNY

Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.

BENNY

No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

INT. AT THE BAR - NIGHT.

Later that evening, at the bar.


SAM

Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.

BENNY

Nah, I want a Mai Tai.

KENNY

And I want some absolut vodka.

SAM

That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

INT. INSIDE THE HOTEL ROOM - DAY.

The morning after.


SAM

Ok boys, time to get up.

BENNY

But it’s 6 AM.

KENNY

Yeah, what’s that all about?

SAM

Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.

BENNY

You’ve gotta be kidding.

KENNY.

Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.

SAM

Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

EXT. ON THE WAY TO THE FACTORY - DAY.

The cheerful trio goes to work in an assembly factory.

INT. INSIDE THE FACTORY - DAY.


KENNY

For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

BENNY

Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.

SAM

Carry on now, we shall overcome.

KENNY

Remind me why we’re doing this.

SAM

It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.

KENNY

But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

SAM

Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.

KENNY

Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.


BENNY

Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

INT. AT SUBWAY THE SANDWICH PLACE - DAY.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.


SAM

I have to confess something guys.

BENNY

Oh, what now?

KENNY

This can’t be good.

SAM

I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.

KENNY

You’re such a dork.

BENNY

Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.

SAM

God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.

KENNY

That’s it, I’m leaving.

SAM

You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.

KENNY

!(/§&#%(#%

BENNY (WHISPERING)

He’s dangerous.

SAM

From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.

BENNY

Oh god.

SAM

Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

INT. AT THE FACTORY - DAY.

The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.


KENNY

Thanks god it’s Friday.

SAM

I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.

KENNY

Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.

SAM

Be quiet, fool.

BENNY

Here we go again.

SAM

I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.


KENNY

What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.

SAM

Aargh!

Benny dodges under a desk.


BENNY (SHOUTING TO SAM)

Yo, peace brah!

BENNY (SHOUTING TO KENNY)

Please calm down, this will lead to major trouble.

Kenny charges towards Sam.


KENNY

I will teach you something.

Sam moves to the side, sticks out his leg and Kenny stumbles over it and into a pile of trash.


SAM

Now, now young lad. I hope that calms you down.

Sonofjoe
October 17th, 2010, 07:19 PM
My apologies if I come over too smug, but I had no idea where your story started! Now you have added scene headings it has become a little clearer. I know the conversations your characters are having are swimming in your head, and you are trying to get them written down. If itís a film for Youtube done by yourself, you are still going to need some structure to work by and for the actors to follow. Believe me it will make it easier for you if you add the action/settings/sound/music etc. as go along.

For me, I jot down the main dialogue or punch line for each scene then create the full scene. Writing a screenplay you need to be the audience as well as the characters. Also, try using Celtx IT IS worth getting your head around.

One nit pic on your first two scene headings, you say in your first scene. ďTwo young men and one middle-aged manĒ then, in the second scene you say ďThe three young menĒ

Pongy
October 18th, 2010, 01:24 PM
I started writing long ago and it's always been a hobby to me. Usually my scripts just amounted to nothing, meaning I would start writing something, then get bored with the drivel, forget about it and start a new project.

Also a problem I had for a long time was that the scripts weren't funny at all, at least not in my humble opinion.

I was writing a lot in Copenhagen, on park benches in New York, in Cairo and in hotel rooms.

Then I figured "Pongy, you need to get a proper job first". So I forgot all about writing and just focused on getting at least a decent job (no grave digging or such). I was asked last week to install visa card machines for two months, so yesterday I bought a car to use for the job.

Well that's a bit about me. I'll keep on working on this script as long as I've got the notion that it's going somewhere - doesn't need to be YouTube, could be anything really even if it's only an idea in the minds of others.

Pongy
October 18th, 2010, 01:31 PM
Updated

Pongy
November 6th, 2010, 10:40 PM
SUNSET BEACH


BY PONGY


Script URL: goo.gl/nnXu (http://goo.gl/nnXu)

EXT. BEACH - EVENING.

Two young men and a middle-aged man walk along the beach.


BENNY


Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.


KENNY


Very interesting.


BENNY


I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.


KENNY


Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOTEL - EVENING.

The three men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.


BENNY


Yo, that’s just amazing.


SAM


Are you referring to the sunset?


KENNY


Benny, you’re such a dork.


SAM


Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...


BENNY


Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.


KENNY


Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.


BENNY


No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

INT. AT THE BAR - NIGHT.

Later that evening, at the bar.


SAM


Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.


BENNY


Nah, I want a Mai Tai.


KENNY


And I want some absolut vodka.


SAM


That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

INT. INSIDE THE HOTEL ROOM - MORNING.

The morning after.


SAM


Ok boys, time to get up.


BENNY


But it’s 6 AM.


KENNY


Yeah, what’s that all about?


SAM


Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.


BENNY


You’ve gotta be kidding.


KENNY.


Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.


SAM


Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

EXT. ON THE WAY TO THE FACTORY - MORNING.

The cheerful trio goes to work in an assembly factory.

INT. INSIDE THE FACTORY - DAY.


KENNY


For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.


BENNY


Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.


SAM


Carry on now, we shall overcome.


KENNY


Remind me why we’re doing this.


SAM


It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.


KENNY


But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.


SAM


Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.


KENNY


Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.


BENNY


Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

INT. AT SUBWAY THE SANDWICH PLACE - DAY.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.


SAM


I have to confess something guys.


BENNY


Oh, what now?


KENNY


This can’t be good.


SAM


I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.


KENNY


You’re such a dork.


BENNY


Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.


SAM


God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.


KENNY


That’s it, I’m leaving.


SAM


You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.


KENNY


!(/§&#%(#%


BENNY (WHISPERING)


He’s dangerous.


SAM


From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.


BENNY


Oh god.


SAM


Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

INT. AT THE FACTORY - DAY.

The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.


KENNY


Thanks god it’s Friday.


SAM


I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.


KENNY


Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.


SAM


Be quiet, fool.


BENNY


Here we go again.


SAM


I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.


KENNY


What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.


SAM


Aargh!

Benny dodges under a desk.


BENNY (SHOUTING TO SAM)


Yo, peace brah!


BENNY (SHOUTING TO KENNY)


Please calm down, this will lead to major trouble.

Kenny charges towards Sam.


KENNY


I will teach you something.

Sam moves to the side, sticks out his leg and Kenny stumbles over it and into a pile of trash.


SAM


Now, now young lad. I hope that calms you down.

Sam helps Kenny to get on his feet.


SAM


Let me hear it.


KENNY


I’m sorry.


SAM


Attaboy.

INT. IN THE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT.

Sam, Kenny and Benny are tucked in and ready to go to sleep.


BENNY


I’m so tired.


SAM


It’s understandable, you’ve worked quite a lot today.


KENNY


My knuckles hurt.


SAM


That’s because you’re a bit of a knucklehead.


SAM


Let’s pray together before we fall asleep.


SAM


Our Father in heaven! As in heaven, so on earth, Thy Name be hallowed...


BENNY


Zzzz....


KENNY


Zzzz...


SAM


But... I’ll be darned? Well, well, I’ll let this one slip. Goodnight brethren.

Sound of cars passing by outside the hotel as Sam too falls to sleep.

ANIMATION.

Three sleeping midgets and Santa Claus entering the chimney.


NARRATOR


Moon shining, I saw her by the drawer, picked up the gun. Resistance to Zenith programming with the lard and butter, gracefully sweeping through the attic. When you’ve visited Sunset Beach everything becomes clear.

Pongy
November 13th, 2010, 09:16 AM
SUNSET BEACH


BY PONGY


Script URL: aoioe.tk/sunsetbeach

EXT. BEACH - EVENING.

Two young men and a middle-aged man walk along the beach.


BENNY


Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.


KENNY


Very interesting.


BENNY


I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.


KENNY


Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOTEL - EVENING.

The three men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.


BENNY


Yo, that’s just amazing.


SAM


Are you referring to the sunset?


KENNY


Benny, you’re such a dork.


SAM


Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...


BENNY


Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.


KENNY


Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.


BENNY


No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

INT. AT THE BAR - NIGHT.

Later that evening, at the bar.


SAM


Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.


BENNY


Nah, I want a Mai Tai.


KENNY


And I want some absolut vodka.


SAM


That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

INT. INSIDE THE HOTEL ROOM - MORNING.

The morning after.


SAM


Ok boys, time to get up.


BENNY


But it’s 6 AM.


KENNY


Yeah, what’s that all about?


SAM


Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.


BENNY


You’ve gotta be kidding.


KENNY.


Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.


SAM


Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

EXT. ON THE WAY TO THE FACTORY - MORNING.

The cheerful trio goes to work in an assembly factory.

INT. INSIDE THE FACTORY - DAY.


KENNY


For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.


BENNY


Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.


SAM


Carry on now, we shall overcome.


KENNY


Remind me why we’re doing this.


SAM


It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.


KENNY


But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.


SAM


Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.


KENNY


Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.


BENNY


Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

INT. AT SUBWAY THE SANDWICH PLACE - DAY.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.


SAM


I have to confess something guys.


BENNY


Oh, what now?


KENNY


This can’t be good.


SAM


I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.


KENNY


You’re such a dork.


BENNY


Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.


SAM


God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.


KENNY


That’s it, I’m leaving.


SAM


You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.


KENNY


!(/§&#%(#%


BENNY (WHISPERING)


He’s dangerous.


SAM


From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.


BENNY


Oh god.


SAM


Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

INT. AT THE FACTORY - DAY.

The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.


KENNY


Thanks god it’s Friday.


SAM


I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.


KENNY


Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.


SAM


Be quiet, fool.


BENNY


Here we go again.


SAM


I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.


KENNY


What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.


SAM


Aargh!

Benny dodges under a desk.


BENNY (SHOUTING TO SAM)


Yo, peace brah!


BENNY (SHOUTING TO KENNY)


Please calm down, this will lead to major trouble.

Kenny charges towards Sam.


KENNY


I will teach you something.

Sam moves to the side, sticks out his leg and Kenny stumbles over it and into a pile of trash.


SAM


Now, now young lad. I hope that calms you down.

Sam helps Kenny to get on his feet.


SAM


Let me hear it.


KENNY


I’m sorry.


SAM


Attaboy.

INT. IN THE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT.

Sam, Kenny and Benny are tucked in and ready to go to sleep.


BENNY


I’m so tired.


SAM


It’s understandable, you’ve worked quite a lot today.


KENNY


My knuckles hurt.


SAM


That’s because you’re a bit of a knucklehead.


SAM


Let’s pray together before we fall asleep.


SAM


Our Father in heaven! As in heaven, so on earth, Thy Name be hallowed...


BENNY


Zzzz....


KENNY


Zzzz...


SAM


But... I’ll be darned? Well, well, I’ll let this one slip. Goodnight brethren.

Sound of cars passing by outside the hotel as Sam too falls to sleep.

INT. IN THE HOTEL ROOM - MORNING.

The three companies sit by the breakfast table in the hotel restaurant.


BENNY


Oh gosh, I’m so tired.


KENNY


I’m half asleep...


SAM


Cheer up, brethren. We shall devote ourselves to creating heaven on earth.


KENNY (Whispering to Benny)


We must escape from this maniac...

MTMarshall
January 30th, 2011, 12:21 AM
Directions are to be nearly minuscule.... This is not a novel or a short story.

"The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon."

Should read more like : "Sun sets. Sounds of seagulls. The young men ramble on. Walking toward seaside hotel and are accommodated." Just a rough example in using as few words as possible and meant as No more...

Each page in a screenplay = equals about one minute...Each minute = about one million $$$$ to make.... Stick to 120 pages or under unless you have something like "Schneider's List" stay away from things that run into over 2 hours for the most part ... It can be a hard sell unless it really rocks big time......Good luck:))

NuSix3
February 7th, 2011, 05:52 PM
Here’s what you got: Three brothers or friends talking to each other over 8 scenes with different settings.

Here’s what you don’t have: A sequence of events that are leading into a story.

In your story, your characters are doing various things but the point of each scene is the same – they talk and express themselves. There is some minor conflict, but it’s all fun and games and no change in their relationship occurs. The settings change, but for no reason other than to distract the audience from the fact that nothing substantial is happening on screen (correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s the impression I got).

Films are tricky in that you might feel as though you’ve seen some movies before where there is no plot and there are just these great, interesting and funny characters on screen doing things to make you laugh or cry but that’s never the case; there is always something forcing the characters to move to one place or another, to do this or that (I forget where I plagiarized that from).

If you really want to write a movie, I think you should pick one or two of your favorite comedies or whatever genre of movie you want to write, watch them and pay special attention to the first half-hour of each one. Pay close attention to the opening scenes and how each scene connects to the other. Browse the internet for the screenplay and learn how those scenes were written. While doing this you will also see how a screenplay is formatted, what terminologies there are and the various liberties writer’s take with style and composition.

qwertyman
February 8th, 2011, 02:48 PM
Hi, Pongy,

If you havenít written a synopsis delineating three acts and plot points, you ought to have a stab at it.

Like it or not screenplays have formulas, they aren't rigid but they should be there. Nobody in the biz discusses a script without referring to Acts.

Shuffling humorous scenes to form a screenplay is not going to be marketable.

mockingbird
February 26th, 2011, 05:59 PM
HI Pongy, a synopsis for a screenplay should be 2-3 pages describing the entire feel from act1- 2- 3. Involve all key characters of which 6 should be max. Only use 2 or 3 lines of dialogue as dialogue does not push the action forward. Start by creating a logline - a 1 sentence pitch in which a producer gets the general idea ie the hook ie what makes him want to fork out millions of dollars. After that create your 1 paragrah synopsis then 2-3 pages and finally, and this is the most difficult - a 6-10 page treatment, which should be written like a short story - using past tense instead of present. I know that sounds like a lot, but take it from me, if you can create a logline for instance Ben Hur - Young Jewish prince is wrongfully sent to the galleys where he endures terrible hardships, saves the fleet commander, becomes a Roman citizen and uses his new powers to destroy his hated enemy - then you're on your way.