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Ricky Jalapeno
October 6th, 2010, 11:24 PM
Critique my story and I'll critique yours =)
Something I wrote in class today when I should have been listening haha
Enjoy.


Prologue




“So it's behind this door huh?” Virgil asked. Looking at the stone door he and his brother's had discovered by cutting away some vines. How could you open a door that had no handle, latch, no discernible way of opening it? The door was smooth stone except for a strange symbol engraved into the center of the door.


“Perhaps it wasn't meant to be opened.” Relic said. Ripping off vines and moving rocks to see if he could find anything else.


“What's the point of a door if it can't be opened!” Virgil yelled. Throwing his hands into the air.


“Shut up, Virgil.” Thane told him. He came through the trees and joined them. “Before the natives hear you.”


Virgil laughed. “The natives?” He stared at his younger brother with eyes as black as his heart. “The natives can go rot in hell. The day I'm afraid of scrawny men running around with wooden sticks will be the day I go weak.” He titled his head and his eyes seemed to create an aura of evil around him. “I will never go weak.”


Thane and Virgil stared eachother down. Thane never did feel comfortable around Virgil. He was so much like their mother...willing to do just about anything for power. He had the same eyes as her. They put out the same energy....an energy that made people feel inferior and....and.....weak.


They were brought back to earth by Relic yelling out, “Hey!” He pulled at some more vines and threw them aside. “There's writing on here.” They walked over behind Relic.


Thane and Virgil looked over their older brother's shoulders. The writing was ancient and was in a language that had long since been forgotten. It was the language of the Cosmos. The beings who walked the planet in its early stages. Before the Gods of Creation created the rivers and oceans. Before the Gods of Destruction created the volcanoes and the fault lines.


“Didn't mom teach you how to read this, Virgil?” Relic asked. Not taking his eyes off the scripture that was just a bunch of scribbles engraved in a wall to him.


“Mother...” Virgil said, closing his eyes and smiling. He opened his eyes. He was strangely calm... “She taught me many things, brother.”


“Did she teach you this?”


He looked over at the writing again and nodded. He took a deep breath and translated the symbols. “Once...a long time ago...there were....two? No....” He squinted his eyes. “Three....brothers.”

Kordain
October 7th, 2010, 03:26 AM
Interesting, first more detail. I always tell people when they read my stories I ask them what specific detail they want i'll give you mine.
What color is the door?
What's it made of?
Where is it? In a wall? Cellar? Cliff? Where?
How old are they? 15? 17? 20? 10?
What did his mother teach him? The words? Can you describe the symbols? Describe them
Show me who's talking. if its not obvious who's talking you need to tell us. Later when we get to know your characters then we will know ourselves, but until then.

Jordan Hunt
October 7th, 2010, 06:13 AM
I liked the beginning. I thought it was good conversation though it seemed a little forced.



The writing was ancient and was in a language that had long since been forgotten. It was the language of the Cosmos. The beings who walked the planet in its early stages. Before the Gods of Creation created the rivers and oceans. Before the Gods of Destruction created the volcanoes and the fault lines.


“Didn't mom teach you how to read this, Virgil?” Relic asked. Not taking his eyes off the scripture that was just a bunch of scribbles engraved in a wall to him.


“Mother...” Virgil said, closing his eyes and smiling. He opened his eyes. He was strangely calm... “She taught me many things, brother.”


“Did she teach you this?”


He looked over at the writing again and nodded. He took a deep breath and translated the symbols. “Once...a long time ago...there were....two? No....” He squinted his eyes. “Three....brothers.”

This is where it goes a little awry for me. Its awkward for me when he's like
The writing was ancient and was in a language that had long since been forgotten

And then


Didn't mom teach you how to read this, Virgil?

Which makes it sound like they're supernatural or really old or something but its not very clear. Perhaps include something about their supernatural ability (or whatever it is they have?) earlier so we have a little intro to it rather than abruptly.

Overall, I thought it was interesting, and I thought it could develop into a really great story.

Good Job! :D

Ricky Jalapeno
October 8th, 2010, 01:40 AM
Thank you. I really don't know if I'm going anywhere with this haha just something I wrote in class. Just like today. I might post it later today but I'm not sure. Anything you want me to critique??

garza
October 8th, 2010, 02:35 AM
Ricky - You should always listen in class. Miss Grumpy is giving a test Monday.

Drop the idea of this as a prologue. Readers generally skip prologues. Tighten it up, eliminate the 'yelled' - very much out of place - and provide a few more details as mentioned by Kordain, and you can have a nice piece of flash fiction using that last line as is. Then expand it, write a second chapter that goes back and brings us up to speed on what's happening, and you have the start of a longer story that may grow up and be a novel.

Now go do your homework.

Ricky Jalapeno
October 8th, 2010, 02:45 AM
Don't worry garza I'm working hard to pass that test! I can do it!

And I never get homework because my school focuses on programming, computer graphics. And things like that. I'm a geek ^_^

garza
October 8th, 2010, 03:15 AM
No! Not really! I never would have suspected it.

We have a new board for people with talents besides writing. Maybe you could put some of your computer graphics there. I do a bit of that myself - just simple drawings to liven up web pages and brochures. When you develop your story into a novel you can design the cover and provide the illustrations yourself.

Ricky Jalapeno
October 8th, 2010, 04:44 AM
My school is one of the best high schools in Nevada. I heard. Just want to brag a little =) Haha

I never thought my computer graphics class could help me with my writing too ^_^

caelum
October 8th, 2010, 04:56 AM
This was great. It had plenty of fun and the dialogue flowed nicely. The scene was vivid and easy to follow. I can imagine you expanding on this or writing something similar and longer.


“Perhaps it wasn't meant to be opened.” Relic said.In dialogue if there's going to be a "he said" after, you end the dialogue with a comma. So the period beside "opened" should be a comma.


ThaneHave you played Mass Effect 2 by any chance? :)

Great stuff.

Ricky Jalapeno
October 8th, 2010, 05:05 AM
Thank you! And haha no. Thane is short for Thanatos. Who in greek mythology is the demon personification of death....I know.....scary lol

michaelcthompson
October 8th, 2010, 07:47 PM
If I may make a few suggestions!

This seems like it's flowing naturally from you, which is a good thing. It's easy to tell when a story is being constructed for the sake of construction and when it's actually inspired, and I'm getting the vibe that this one is a little of both (which is a good thing - moderation is key!). However, I would say this is more like an outline of a prologue. A good prologue will introduce the characters to you, or at least the main character. What you should do is get inside of the main character's head and crawl around. Tell us why we should care about these characters. Are they like us? Are they not like us? How do they think, and what do they think about? Give us some flow-of-thought style writing from the main character and then begin the dialogue and action sequence.

Always remember, you need to emotionally invest the reader in the characters by telling the reader exactly who the character is, and what the character thinks of the other characters he or she is interacting with. Although I think your story could be interesting, based on the minimal gaze I've been given into the world you've created, it doesn't have the hook and uniqueness it needs to compel readers to return to the story. You will achieve that by following my advice! It will add layers of depth to your story, and often when you write like that you learn more about the characters than you knew before you started typing!

Good luck!