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Sir.
October 5th, 2010, 10:55 PM
this is a definite something, but it needs feedback before I can take it anywhere;


I was in the south of France when it happened, the Cannes film festival, me and all the other graduates of the Brighton film studies course. It was a nice enough place to die. On the whole it wasn’t a very exciting death, it wasn’t even a original idea, we all got drunk in the hotel bar. I fell in the pool and everyone thought it was funny, it wasn’t till the next day when they woke up and I hadn’t got out of the pool they realised I had drowned.
well apparently so anyway, I hope dear reader that you can forgive me for being a little dubious at the time being that I had just woken up on top of a cold steel table in what appeared to be a wine cellar, to have my death explained to me by two complete strangers. I was more inclined to believe that this was a joke being played on me by my colleagues.
“So if I’m dead, - “
“You are.”
“ - how am I sitting here talking to you?”
The woman rolled her eyes to the ceiling, which low as it was still made for quite a clear expression of exasperation. She had thus far done most of the explaining, her companions’ contribution so far had been to say “sit”, “listen” as if instructing a toddler, or maybe even a dog. Later I was told that in all likelihood it was probably the latter. Turning to his place in corner atop a barrel just out of the light she called across the room;
“Calvin, please just come over here and show it to him, he just won’t be told.”
He appeared to be coming over at the ladies request, whoever he was he wasn’t tall or in any way physically imposing seemed about twentyish in silhouette, but all the same there was a little part of me that just didn’t like the fact that he was coming closer,

ArcThomas
October 6th, 2010, 12:24 AM
This si already a movie...

the guy from batman is in it. the training dude..
there's nudity.

but that movie had more of a pitiful undertone.. ..

need more to consider the idea..

Kordain
October 6th, 2010, 01:26 AM
I liked it. Questions placed in the story, and not all of them answered. A little suspense and a cliff hanger, but some of the stuff in here was awkward so i made
green a change i suggested
and
blue a change i could not think of a replacement



I was in Southern France (awkward) when it happened, the Cannes film festival, me and all the other graduates of the Brighton film studies course. It was a nice enough place to die. On the whole it wasn’t a very exciting death, it wasn’t even a original idea, we all got drunk in the hotel bar. I fell in the pool and everyone thought it was funny, it wasn’t till the next day when they woke up and I hadn’t got out of the pool they realized (spelling) I had drowned.
well apparently (choose one or the other) so anyway, I hope dear reader that you can forgive me for being a little dubious at the time being that I had just woken up on top of a cold steel table in what appeared to be a wine cellar, to have my death explained to me by two complete strangers. I was more inclined to believe that this was a joke being played on me by my colleagues.
“So if I’m dead... (three periods seems to be the most accepted form of interruption(as far as i know))“
“You are.”
“How am I sitting here talking to you?”
The woman rolled her eyes to the ceiling, which low as it was still made for quite a clear expression of exasperation. (awkward) She had thus far done most of the explaining, her companions’ contribution so far had been to say “sit”, and “listen” as if instructing a toddler, or maybe even a dog. Later I was told that in all likelihood it was probably the latter. Turning to his place in corner atop a barrel just out of the light she called across the room;
“Calvin, please just come over here and show it to him, he just won’t be told (awkward).”
He appeared to be coming over at the ladies request, whoever he was he wasn’t tall, or in any way physically imposing seemed about twentyish in silhouette, but all the same there was a little part of me that just didn’t like the fact that he was coming close.

BoredMormon
October 6th, 2010, 02:32 AM
The last sentance struck me as painfully long and poorly constructed. There is lots of 'useless' word in it.

'appeared to be' either he is or he isn't
'at the ladies request' is implied by the previous sentance
'whoever he was' you already established that the MC doesn't recognise anyone in the room
And so on.

Consider 'He came over, he wasn’t tall or physically imposing, but there was a little part of me that didn’t like him'. I think my cut has gone to far, the best sentance is probably in the middle.

Using proper capitalisation makes people take your work more seriously. Use it outside your story as well.

Kordain
October 6th, 2010, 04:16 AM
Yea i was told to capitalize..who told me that?
Does the main character have a name?
Maybe give a hint about how he is reanimated or undead whatever he may be.

Sir.
October 6th, 2010, 11:31 PM
will try to get back to you all, at the moment am just flattered to get so many replies : )
-as to the film, is it really ? and if it is then I shall set about deviating from whatever the film did
- kordian thanks for the suggestions I will post a redraft as soon as I get the time, and I agree some of the wording is awkward and just doesn't fit. as too the story details reanimation ect. difficult to give hints as I haven't thought it through yet, couple of ideas in the back of my mind.
- bored mormon; many fair points, I shall have to deal with the title and grammar throughout, I kicked myself when I first posted it for such a stupid mistake.

thanks all for the feedback its what I joined for, I promise to give a re- draft and try take the story further.