View Full Version : Magnir's quest

October 4th, 2010, 05:10 AM
to any who have read 'Dank' this is the same world and will be contained in the same novel the stories are related and tie together at different parts. please don't hesitate to be blunt and be honest, respond even if its just i like it or not my style. not too much detail yet and if you've seen other stuff i've done yes there is alot of dialogue. much of the detail that should be there is not yet but I'll put in there soon. (i capitalized this time.) please read and enjoy.

“Isn’t It a nice day for a battle, the wind gently blowing and a chill to cool our men when the fight gets going?

“Sure Velkunt.”

“You seem…not yourself today.”

“Well…I’m not sure…it’s just that…its nothing.”

“Whatever you say sire.” Both men sat side by side turned slightly toward each other, both of them in their armor except helmets.

“General Velkunt!” called a voice from outside the tent.

“Come in,” Velkunt said as he waved him in with his leather gloved hands. A skinny young man entered the tent dressing in a Brigandine cuirass and skirt.

“General,” he said as he nodded. He turned to the other, “prince Telfar,” he bowed.

“What is it Shelnit?” asked Velkunt, “now is an important time.”

“Well, Prince Telfar your brother is here.”

“Why? He should be in the Shenz Gory dealing with the Severos.” Telfar leaned forward.

“Well he’s your youngest brother. He’s being held at the west entrance.”

“Why is that?”

“Well…I told them to…you know…well…your father,” his more than numerous ‘well’s' were starting to bother Telfar.

“The rules in the army are different. Send him in, my father’s not here.”

“Right sire,” Shelnit left and returned to the tent with a young lad, about seventeen, he stepped in walking with a stoop. He halted before Telfar and Velknt and removed his hood.


“I didn’t really do it,” the young lad who was Magnir spurted out. “I tried to get him to give it up but he wouldn’t do it.”

“Calm down I didn’t think you would. Besides I knew that you would fail had you tried. Now why did you come here?”

“I knew I’d be safe.”

“Not for too long, my men are loyal to me not our father. However they can’t betray their country’s law whom they are fighting for, too long.”

“I know, but he’s locked Reno in the Snegranite palace, she can’t even see her friends or travel anywhere without a palace guard. She’s completely alone. He’s caged her, its torture,” he said his speech becoming faster and faster with every word.

“Calm down, stuck in a palace is not near as bad and being on the run for attempted murder and attempting to usurp the emperor.” Telfar said in a slow and deliberate fashion. “Why don’t you go get her out?”

“I can get in but I’m not sure I can get her out. She doesn’t have the same…talents as I.”

“I think you’re underestimating our sister.”

“You haven’t lived with here as long as I have.”

“Magnir, I have faith in you, go and find Reno and then have a teleporter tell me when you find her.”

“I can’t do that. Teleporters are illegal.”

“You don’t have to get a legitimate one.” Magnir’s eye brow rose. “I haven’t arrested you yet have I?”

“No but…”

“I will have you arrested if you don’t get out and do as I say, just check on her.”

“Right, it will take a while to get there.”

“I understand. Now go.”

“Sure thing. I will get her back.”

“What did i just say? you will inform me of the situation before you do anything.”

“Right.” Magnir turned around, his cloak billowing through the air, revealing the beautiful royal combat armor nearly identical to that of Telfar, He walked out of the tent and set out west.

Telfar spoke with Velkunt a bit further until they heard horses. One horseman walked inside the tent and spoke “General, prince Telfar, the battle is in array. Both your mounted guardsmen await you.”

“Come now Velkunt, we have a battle to win.” They both placed their helmets upon their heads, walked from the tent and to the battle field.

October 4th, 2010, 06:27 AM
My first thought was that the name Velknt is difficult to wrap one's tongue around. I am saying Velkunt, but the string of four consonants is frustrating and unnatural to English-speakers. Snegranite isn't as bad, but also caused me to stumble. Did you intend for it to include the word "granite"?

Some of your descriptions seem forced to me. It seems like you're adding descriptions because you think you have to, not because they're needed or contribute to the story. You've also got a problem with run-on sentences and missing commas. And finally, all of your dialog is very, very stiff. It sounds like lines from an essay rather than people talking to one another.

So as far as grammar: learn what an appositive is, and learn to identify adverbial clauses. A good rule of thumb (but one that can land you with too many commas) is that if you would pause when speaking, add a comma. If two clauses don't need to be in one sentence and can stand on their own as separate sentences--separate them.