PDA

View Full Version : Run



NightAngel
October 2nd, 2010, 03:11 PM
Do you hear that sound?

The sound of death closing in

They are coming now



Coming for our blood

Because we don’t always win

Run fast my brother



Away from the fight

Run across the blood soaked ground

And do not look back



Please ignore my screams

Remember that I love you

Keep running, brother



Brother, please don’t stop

Because as my last breath fails

I still think of you.



Run hard, my brother

For I am with you always

I will not leave you.

SilverMoon
October 2nd, 2010, 07:39 PM
Hi, NightAngel. I believe I've read your work in Poetry. And very fine verse. The problem here is that you're attempting to tell a story as many do in poety (myself included) but it's way too short for a fictional piece. And in verse or prose try to stay away from bolding. It distracts the reader from all else you have to say. As it stands, flush this left w/o bold and you've got verse and then I'd say shoot it over to Poetry.

Now, if you choose to develop this as a fictional piece you'll have to bring in characterization and importantly a plot. Take your first four lines.


Do you hear that sound?
The sound of death closing in
They are coming now
Coming for our blood

What I might write:

The night was black. "Momma, do you hear that sound?" She shook her head. "No. What sound?" He explains "The wind. It's like the sound of death closing in on us. Like some demon is coming for our blood."

Good luck. Anywhere you want to take this. Laurie

NightAngel
October 3rd, 2010, 09:14 AM
Thanks, it is poetry. i just posted it wrong, im going to ask to get it moved, though

SilverMoon
October 3rd, 2010, 12:46 PM
Hi, Night. That does happen! I'll look for it there and give it a proper review. Laurie