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Waste.
October 1st, 2010, 06:18 PM
If you read my post before this one you will recognise the characters. This scene takes place the next morning after they have spent a day travelling together.

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The light woke him as it usually did, piercing his eyelids as it rose above the trees. Seth wanted to roll over and go back to sleep but forced himself to open his eyes. The air was cool and crisp, the sky stretching as a blue sheet above him. He was surprised that the bird song had failed to wake him before. He sat up, then crossing his legs beneath the thin blanket he leant forward in a cat like stretch, his bare hands touching the floor in front of him and coming away wet with dew. Only then did he look to the dead fire, and the empty space beyond it.

“Kadie?” Her name came out as a soft caress, hardly loud enough to be heard. Getting to his feet in one smooth motion Seth looked about the camp site. Her roll mat and her blanket had gone. For a moment he thought that she had ran away. Then he noticed that the healing balm and the bottle was still there. She wouldn’t have gone without them, would she? “Kadie?” He said her name a little louder, still surprised at the ease with which he said it. Usually it took him a long time to stop calling a lady by her second name, but he felt so much at ease around Kadie that it felt natural.

Picking up his sword he slung it over his back with the sheaths strap across his chest. He started out of the alcove of trees. In front of him the mountains rose; their white tips clearly visible as they attempted to pierce the blue sky. It seemed that spring had truly fallen here, helped along by the bird song. He hadn’t gone far when he saw her.

She sat on the slope of the hill, her roll mat beneath her and the blanket covering her shoulders. Her knees drawn up she had her arms wrapped around them. Her long hair tumbled down her back, almost touching the blades of lush grass. There was something sad about the set of her shoulders. Her peace was such that he did not want to disturb it. Yet he felt as if he needed to be closer to her. And his next step alerted her to his presence as it broke a twig.

She looked round at him, the fear in her eyes fading. She offered a small smile.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. Unsure of whether he was angry or not. He wanted to be angry at her for worrying him, felt that he should be, but could not bring himself to show it. Tired, he allowed himself to relax.

“You never go far from that blade, do you?”

She avoided his question, “It keeps me safe. Where is your protection?”

“He’s here, now.”

“Were you waiting for me?”

She looked forward again, to the thin ribbon of the River Grey and the forest beyond it. Again he could see that she was troubled. “I couldn’t sleep.” She admitted, still not looking at him. She stretched her legs out, her bandaged feet resting in the long grass.

“How come?”

“If you want to get to the forest by night fall we should leave now, do you always sleep in so late?”

He frowned, knowing that once again she was skirting his question. “I’ve never been one for mornings, Miss Grace.”

She looked at him then, for a long moment she just looked, her eyes narrow. Then finally, “I’m the same.” Still holding the blanket around herself she got to her feet. He saw the pain in her eyes and rushed to offer his support.

Kordain
October 1st, 2010, 06:26 PM
little confused when she says she avoided his question. i could not tell who was talking, it took me a while to figure out. try 'she ignored his question and asked "you never go far...".' a little less confusing that way. i haven't read your first part yet though. i like it.

Waste.
October 1st, 2010, 06:47 PM
I see, Its from his POV really so its like him realising that she avoided his question. Would writing 'She'd avoided his question "It keeps me..." ' make more sense?

Bruno Spatola
October 1st, 2010, 09:20 PM
The light woke him as it usually did, piercing his eyelids as it rose above the trees. He was surprised that the bird song had failed to wake him before. -- You say the light woke him as it usually did, and then you say he was surprised that the bird song had failed to wake him. . .if it's the light that usually wakes him, why would it be a surprise? See what I mean?

He sat up, then crossing his legs beneath the thin blanket he leant forward in a cat like stretch, his bare hands touching the floor in front of him and coming away wet with dew. Only then did he look to the dead fire, and the empty space beyond it. -- Flow isn't smooth here. I'd make it He sat up. Crossing his legs beneath the thin blanket, he leaned forward in a cat-like stretch, his bare hands touching the floor and coming away, wet with dew. It still doesn't flow particularly well, so I think you may need to expand the whole intro.

“Kadie?” Her name came out as a soft caress, hardly loud enough to be heard. -- Her name came out as a soft caress doesn't really sound right to me. Sounds a bit silly to be totally honest with you.

Her roll mat and her blanket had gone. -- Try not to say her too often. It's repetitive, just put Her roll mat and blanket had gone. Read them aloud and you'll see what I mean about flow.

She wouldn’t have gone without them, would she? -- I'd make this a thought, like this, She wouldn't have left without them, would she? he thought. The narrator wouldn't say would she?

“Kadie?” He said her name a little louder, still surprised at the ease with which he said it. Usually it took him a long time to stop calling a lady by her second name, but he felt so much at ease around Kadie that it felt natural. -- You say ease twice, nothing wrong with using the same words, but not this close to each other.

Picking up his sword he slung it over his back with the sheaths strap across his chest. He started out of the alcove of trees. -- I'd make this, Picking up his sword, he slung it over his back into the sheath strap, and started through the alcove of trees. Or something like that, the way you worded it makes it stop and start too much, which again, breaks the flow.

In front of him the mountains rose; their white tips clearly visible as they attempted to pierce the blue sky. -- Unnecessary semi colon, a comma is fine.

She sat on the slope of the hill, her roll mat beneath her and the blanket covering her shoulders. -- Do you mean She was sat on the slope of the hill?

Her knees drawn up she had her arms around them. -- I had to read that three times, something so simple shouldn't be worded like this. You can see the problem with it I'm guessing.

Her peace was such that he did not want to disturb it. Yet he felt as if he needed to be closer to her. And his next step alerted her to his presence as it broke a twig. -- Coma after disturb it.

And his next step alerted her to his presence as it broke a twig. -- I had to read this twice. The way you structure sentences can be very confusing at times, in all honesty.

She offered a small smile. -- Small as in a really tiny mouth, or small as in the amount of time the smile lasted? If it's the latter, I think small is the wrong word to describe it.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. Unsure of whether he was angry or not. -- Comma after asked, a full stop totally breaks the flow when used wrongly, so be careful. It can even ruin the mood in my opinion.

“You never go far from that blade, do you?”

She avoided his question, “It keeps me safe. Where is your protection?” -- Did she avoid the question? Looks like she answered it to me.

“I couldn’t sleep.” She admitted, still not looking at him. -- Comma after sleep. It's always a comma if the speech is followed by a dialogue tag. "I couldn't sleep," she admitted. It's only a full stop when the character performs an action. "I couldn't sleep." She stretched her legs.

“If you want to get to the forest by night fall we should leave now, do you always sleep in so late?” -- Full stop after now me thinks. Why would you want to get to a forest by nightfall any way? Isn't that the worst time to be in a forest? If there's a specific reason then, that's fine.

She looked at him then, for a long moment she just looked, her eyes narrow. -- I'd cut She looked at him then. For a long moment she just looked at him, her eyes narrow, is fine.

I didn't like the characters to be honest with you Waste. They seem really dull and over-the-top, and it's all a bit too serious for me. There's nothing wrong with seriousness, but it seems too much. Needs cleaning up overall, I couldn't read it through very smoothly. I stopped many times to re-read lines and understand what was intended.

Emotionally, I don't think it had the effect you seem to be striving for. I found it really difficult to connect.

Hope my comments don't seem too harsh, good luck with this :D

Sir.
December 6th, 2010, 05:03 PM
Found the characters overall intriguing, -

Bruno I think you ought not to get hung up on such small deatials as the intention of the use of small when describing a smile, afterall the freedom of the reader to interpret the writing is just as important when creating a image in their mind, otherwise you risk being sucked into a overlly descriptive peice which loses the readers interest in its complexity.

Bruno Spatola
December 6th, 2010, 05:15 PM
I give the most in depth critiques I possibly can. I don't try to nit-pick for the sake of it, I do it with the only intention being "Help the writer". If something sticks out to me, then I will mention it, no matter how small it is; that's the way I am, and this is how I interpreted it.

The thing about this site is, you can choose which advice to take on board and which advice to ignore. Reviewing is a totally opinionated process, this is expected and welcomed by me. If you disagree with my comments, that's a good thing, but I don't think this is the place to do it. Don't tell me what I should or should not do, because it's subjective.

Thanks.

Sir.
December 7th, 2010, 05:33 PM
apologies - meant to cuase no offense.

Sam
December 7th, 2010, 06:23 PM
Can I remind people to please keep comments and critiques related to the thread. It is considered bad form to critique someone else's critique, or derail someone's thread with irrelevant conversation.

Thank you.