PDA

View Full Version : The Price of War



NightAngel
September 30th, 2010, 10:02 AM
Gunfire echoes through the deserted city streets.
A bomb explodes, a skyscraper falls.
A boy, no more than 14 stands alone, clad in oversized army greens a rifle at his side.
An old man stumbles forward, begging for food.
The boy raises his rifle, birds scatter as bullets cut through the air.
A scream erupts from the mans mouth, cut off as the bullets pierce his chest.
Blood bubbles around the edges of his mouth, his eyes pleading for mercy.
The boy falls to his knees, his rifle clattering on the ground beside him.
Another soldier emerges from a tall building, drawn out by the noise.
He glances at the scene before him before shooting his 14 year old comrade.
Thousands of miles away a mother sits up in bed, soaked in sweat.
As she sits there she glances at I picture on the bedside table.
Tears roll down her cheeks.
She didnít even get to say goodbye.

garza
September 30th, 2010, 03:05 PM
Been there. You got it just about right. But the dark side is not the only side. I've seen both sides and prefer standing in the sunlight.

You should expand this into a full-length short story that explains why it was and how it came to be, not just who and what.

NightAngel
September 30th, 2010, 03:12 PM
thanks garza.
youre right, but the reason I wrote the dark side is because thats what frustrates me, in the end its usually the people in power that start a war, but its always the kids who suffer.
And about writing a full length version, im writing something similar at the moment, but longer.

SilverMoon
September 30th, 2010, 07:41 PM
NightAngel, this pulled at my heart strings. I do agree with garza that the "Whys" and "How's" should be implemented. Then you build up slowly to this horror you so impactfully describe. I know that your working, now, on a similar piece so you may not be dipping into this again. I will make this suggestion which might apply to your new endevour: right now, it reads close to verse, a listing of images. I would weave these images in with some straighforward narration. Example. First line.

She could hear the gunfire echoes through the deserted city streets and tears rollled down her cheek.

Bring in characterization. Allow us to sympathize with a protagonist and other players.

Really great job! Laurie