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The Backward OX
September 30th, 2010, 08:24 AM
SilverMoon wrote about a young woman and silk sheets in another thread.

It reminded me of some nonsense I posted here, years ago.

So I dusted it off, and here’s an extract:


Adult Themed

I have special places where I go when I want to play.

Like many other girls with vivid imaginations, these places are frequently inside my head. Sometimes, however, they’re real. And just occasionally they’re a blend of the two.

One of my favorite spots for creating this blend is the big, old-fashioned four-poster bed in the guest room upstairs.

It only happens when Mother and Dad are away. Socialites both, they frequently visit with friends or relations interstate, or even in the UK, for a few days. When this occurs I ask Mother’s maid Monique to bring satin sheets, freshly laundered and scented with lavender, from the linen closet, and change the bed.

On the first few occasions she carried out this task, I gave no reason. Recently however, I took her into my confidence, just a little.

“Sometimes, Monique, I feel lonely when I’m rattling around in such a big rambling house.”

“Oui, M'amselle.”

“Sometimes I make up for it, by indulging myself in the luxury of scented sheets on this old, soft mattress.” I paused. “And at the same time, by fantasizing a little about, shall we say, risqué involvements with people.”

For a moment Monique remained stock-still. Then she tilted her head and gave me a gamin-type look.

“Oui, M'amselle.”



Compared to Mother, who likes the idea of domestic staff, I have a different set of values. I see it as anachronistic. This however doesn’t stop me from asking Monique to change the bed - I have an ulterior motive. I potter uselessly around the room while she’s bending over tucking in the sheets etc, and treat myself to a close-up view of what is possibly the nicest little ass in all Vermont.



Does this make me odd? Or am I just more honest about my sexuality than some other women?


On this particular occasion, at dinner-time earlier in the evening, I slummed it alone. Believe it or not, it was Christmas Eve and apart from Monique and I, the house was empty. In a break with the tradition of family get-togethers, both of us chose (or had thrust upon us) more-or-less solitary observance of the occasion:

- Mother and Dad traveled to Scotland to spend Christmas with Aunt Janet. I’d been invited too, but Aunt’s pawing behavior and her pitiable attempts to get me into bed were becoming a bit much. I’d declined, simply telling my parents I preferred staying home. Let them figure it out.

- Big sister Evanna, who in any case could never be described as family-oriented, had long since departed. Impossibly, her head was turned by a boat-builder, and from Sausalito of all places. Their paths crossed in Newport, where he was studying winged keel design and she’d been vacationing on a Girls Getaway promoted by Newport County Visitors Bureau. Evanna went with him when he returned home, to live on his houseboat. “So much for a Vassar education,” Dad said, in a voice tinged with disappointment.

- And as I was the only family member here, and an independent young woman at that, Cook had taken the opportunity to spend Christmas with her son and his family in Albany.

Monique’s family, originally Montréalers, now lived on the outskirts of East Calais – a tiny village halfway between Montpelier and the Canadian border. She claimed they were too far away to risk being caught in a heavy snowfall, driving her old Renault without snow tires. Funny, that. Neither the distance nor the weather had worried her last year. I think the truth may have been — and it was touching if I were correct — that she felt someone should share Christmas with me.




It was only an extract, remember? :twisted:

SilverMoon
October 1st, 2010, 02:04 AM
:sunny: Great Minds Think Alike


This is no example of nonsense. I enjoyed your story and found it to be very rich. So, there! SilverMoon

Mike
October 1st, 2010, 04:07 AM
As for the grammar concerns...

guest-house and dinner-time shouldn't be hyphenated
this sentence: "On the first few occasions she carried out this task, I gave no reason, but recently I took her into my confidence, just a little" needs to be split into two.
I'm not sure how you came up with "mam'selle." Isn't the french: madamoiselle/damoiselle?
"Believe it or not, it was Christmas Eve, and apart from Monique and I, the house was empty." Written like this, why should we be in disbelief that it's Christmas Eve? Or does the doubt pair up with the house being empty?

Other than those few trouble spots, I thought this extract is well-written and has excellent voice. However, at times, the voice seems a bit too brash and random with the quips. I wouldn't say you get carried away with it exactly. I'm just having a hard time picturing this girl to be a girl. I think that if I saw how she acts with her family around, and how she acts when she's alone (relatively) with the satin sheets, the voice - which would be a current throughout - would be more believable.

Also, a bit more work could be done to integrate the whereabouts of the family during the holidays. I don't like the hyphens at the beginning of the paragraph. It's too much a checklist.

I do, however, like the centered section "compared to mother" and hope to see other insights like this in future extracts.

The Backward OX
October 1st, 2010, 04:19 AM
:sunny: Great Minds Think Alike



This is no example of nonsense. And I enjoyed your story. It was very rich. So, there! Laurie

You are too kind.

The Backward OX
October 1st, 2010, 04:33 AM
guest-house and dinner-time shouldn't be hyphenatedLet's split hairs on this. I agree about guest room, disagree about dinner-time.


this sentence: "On the first few occasions she carried out this task, I gave no reason, but recently I took her into my confidence, just a little" needs to be split into two.

Done.



I'm not sure how you came up with "mam'selle." Isn't the french: madamoiselle/damoiselle?

My mistake. I misplaced the apostrophe. With the apostrophe in the correct place, that's the way they say it. Just like we say couldn't instead of could not.


"Believe it or not, it was Christmas Eve, and apart from Monique and I, the house was empty." Written like this, why should we be in disbelief that it's Christmas Eve? Or does the doubt pair up with the house being empty?

Yes. I think I fixed it by removing a comma.



Other than those few trouble spots, I thought this extract is well-written and has excellent voice. However, at times, the voice seems a bit too brash and random with the quips. I wouldn't say you get carried away with it exactly. I'm just having a hard time picturing this girl to be a girl. I think that if I saw how she acts with her family around, and how she acts when she's alone (relatively) with the satin sheets, the voice - which would be a current throughout - would be more believable.

Ha! You should've seen the crits the first time I put this up. I don't attempt writing as a woman anymore.

Thanks for reading

snorrie
October 24th, 2010, 11:14 PM
Very nice, Ox. I must say this isn't my cup of tea but when you're able to keep my attention all the way through without me wanting stop, it tells you that your piece was engaging. And it truely was. It shows you have experience under your belt when you can produce this type of prose. I'm still working on it. As I said I'm inconsistent when it comes to writing decent pieces. A seasoned writer you are and one day so shall I. Good stuff Ox man.

Kamisama420
October 25th, 2010, 06:27 AM
I'm not sure how you came up with "mam'selle." Isn't the french: madamoiselle/damoiselle?

The French word is Mademoiselle, coming from the two words "ma" and "demoiselle". This is not a word anymore, it's an archaism, but is still used for the sake of sounding chivalrous and upper-class.

"Mam'selle" CAN be used. It was a pronunciation usually used by maids and servants a long time ago, usually associated with low education. The pronunciation would sound "mam-zel", since the letters used are still from the word "mademoiselle". "M'amselle" doesn't make sense; "mam'selle" would be the best choice in my opinion.

As a Montrealer myself, I'm not sure I like the depiction of Montrealers as being uneducated maids, but since it's a story, I'll let it slide. ;P

stonefly
October 25th, 2010, 11:09 PM
:sunny: Great Minds Think Alike


This is no example of nonsense. I enjoyed your story and found it to be very rich. So, there! SilverMoon




Ditto...what did he do with the rest of it?