PDA

View Full Version : Dank



Kordain
September 27th, 2010, 12:06 AM
This is a thread of a story that is in progress. This is just one character i have many other in different places but this part is important because it shows what this character may be perceived as. Enjoy and be honest with your criticisms. Thank you.




“Hey Dank,“ a guard named Walin called. “Dank they’re going to let you out for a while.” Walin spoke insincerely. He walked toward the bars but he dared not to touch them. He called again for ‘Dank’ and when he got no answer he was not surprised. He walked in front of the bars. Through them he could see half a dozen people with various illnesses that were either incurable or unknown.

“Leave the man alone,” Called an old man from the cell.

“Shut it, you old crimp! Now dank listen..."

“You’re the new guard captain for the quarantine huh?” the old man interrupted.

"What did i just say! listen Dank I know you can hear me.”

"Just leave him be." pleaded the old man once more."

"I don't know you name old man and i don't care. You guys better know that I’m not going to be nice like the last captain was.”

“Who!? Skirk? he wasn't nice.” Retorted a younger prisoner.

“Well I’ll make him seem like he was your best friend. I don’t tolerate anything.”

“Right?” Replied the young one.

“Shut it…what’s your name? Bevik. Yea i think i read your record. Well I don’t want to hear a word from any of you. I want complete silence, no sound at all from your filthy mouths.”

“Well then you might like Dank then.” The old man said.

“Yes dank I’ve heard quite a bit about him. Dank? come on out." No one moved. "You’re the mystery Dank. the healers haven't got a clue a bout whats wrong with you. So you just sit in here and rot like the pest you are. no one even knows your name. When they caught you all you said was 'The dank, its the dank!' and now you don't speak at all.” A figure in the corner under the single window moved. The figure looked up from the table he was leaning over. Under the window was a dark and well defined shadow where little could be seen.

“Ah there you are hovering over your table. What are you making out of those rags you filthy skunk?” Dank arose but said nothing. Slowly he walked into the faint light. “Ugh your more hideous than i thought.”

“Hey Walin. Come on, don’t antagonized the lad,” shouted the old man one last time.

“Quiet! I like his silence.” Dank walked slowly over to the bars where Waling stood. The light grew to the point that Walin could distinguish Dank’s features. His eyes were yellow and shaped like a cat’s. Like an infection, blue colored skin was creeping up to the right side of his face. He had no Adam’s apple and the veins on his neck and the right side of his face were well defined.

“Dank? I pictured you a lot more…” he never finished his sentence. Dank’s right hand shot through the bars and grabbed Walin by his stiff leather collar. He pulled Walin in to bars so that their eyes were inches apart. Walin tried to push himself away but dank held him with one arm. Anger formed on Dank’s face as he kept silent.


“W-w-what are you?” stuttered Walin. Dank said nothing, He just stared at him. both Dank’s and Walin’s eyes were huge, Dank released Walin and he slowly stepped back. He began to walk back to his table in slow deliberate motions, his feet hardly made a sound. Walin straightened his collar and walked out of the cell block.

garza
September 27th, 2010, 12:40 AM
It's a good portrait of the guard, but dosen't say much for Dank. Presumably you'll fill that in as the work progresses.

The sentence, 'The healers can’t even figure out what’s happening to you.' can be stronger without the 'even'.

The 'float back to his table' makes him sound like some sort of wizard. 'Walked' would work better, at least to me as a reader.

As a reader, words like 'gasped' always throw me off. Something like - What are you? said Walin in a whisper, with fear in his voice.

There are a few points of confusion. Lay the piece aside for a day or two then come back to it and you'll see them yourself.

BoredMormon
September 27th, 2010, 04:30 AM
I'll be back when you find the shift key.

Kordain
September 27th, 2010, 12:53 PM
what's a shift key? i guess it is a little harder to paint a picture for dank because he doesn't talk.

BoredMormon
September 28th, 2010, 08:55 PM
Well it seems you found it, so true to my word I must critique :)

Currently almost all of your description is through dialouge. It comes off as contrived. So the gaurd is cruel? Why not have him hit the old man?

Unless the young man is important I would suggest leaving him out.

The story of them finding Dank could be better portrayed by actually telling what happened, rather then making the gaurd say it.

Let us in to one of the characters head. Share some of their thoughts with us. If Dank is most important tell the story from his viewpoint. (Otherwise keep it as is).

In general you should use dialouge a little more sparingly, and find a few other ways of adding description. If nothing else it will add variety and build on your skills.

Foxee
September 28th, 2010, 10:24 PM
dialouge = dialogue I imagine ;)

Kordain
September 29th, 2010, 04:08 AM
Here is an updated version with more material. yea i know i lack detain on what i've added i had to do it really quick.
red is an addition to the story.
green is a change to an already existing part.
blue is something that will be taken out or changed.
something will be added here (----------------------)



“Hey Dank,“ a guard named Walin called as he stopped infront of the cell door. “Dank they’re going to let you out for a while” Walin said insincerely. He called again for ‘Dank’ and when he got no answer he was not surprised. pacing in front of the bars he called again, some response. Through them he could see half a dozen people in a small 12X12 cell all with various illnesses that were strange and weird. the smell of human fecal matter that had recently filled his nostrils had subsided once he put his nose toward this cell which was rather clean compared to the others in the prison.

“Leave the man alone,” Called an old man from the cell. The old man was sitting against the wall wearing some rather nice looking clothes. In fact all of the prisoners seem to be wearing quality clothing that even though it looked strange was still quite nice. Walin noticed but dismissed it as the castle just going under budget again.

“Shut it, you old crimp! Now dank listen I know you can hear me.”

"Just leave him be." pleaded the old man once more.

"I don't know you name old man and I don't care. You guys better know that I’m not going to be nice like the last captain was.”

“Who!? Skirk? He wasn't nice,” said a younger prisoner.

“Well I’ll make him seem like he was your best friend. I don’t tolerate anything.”

“You be quiet or you will be disciplined,” Walin said.

“Since when? No one here is ever ‘physically’ disciplined,” The young man said.

“I’m not the same as the other guard captains.”

“Really? Why don’t you come in here and show us then?” said the young man.

“Nice try kid, I’m not going in there.” Walin now saw that they knew how to play the guard in a prison like this. It wasn’t really a prison just a quarantine for those who have unknown diseases. How could he rule this prison with an iron fist if he could never touch them? Touching those in other cell was like a death wish, one could be infected and end up in the cell with them, but this cell Walin was at now was for those who were not contagious. Walin didn’t enter for an entirely different reason.

“I don’t want to hear a word from any of you. I want complete silence, no sound at all from your filthy mouths.”

“Well then you might like Dank then. He doesn’t speak at all.” The old man said calmly.

“None huh? I bet I can make him sing.”

“Well I heard him talk when they first brought him in.”

“Anything worth my time?”

“His namesake. We don’t’ know his real name but when they brought him in, he was kicking and a gouging yelling ‘The Dank!’so we just call him dank, after that not a word.”

“Nice story. Now dank get over here, I want to meet every one of my prisoners.” No one stirred. “You know dank I’ve heard quite a bit about you. You’re the mystery. The healers haven’t got a clue about what’s wrong with you. So you just sit in here and rot like the pest you are.” A figure in the corner under the window moved. The figure looked up from the table he was leaning over. Under the window was a dark and well defined shadow where little could be seen.

“Ah there you are hovering over your table. What are you making out of those rags you filthy skunk?” Dank said nothing but he slowly walked into the faint light. “Here he comes to rear his ugly head. I bet you’re more hideous than I thought.”

“Hey Walin come on don’t antagonized the lad.”

“Quiet! I like his silence.” Dank walked slowly over to the bars where Waling stood. The light grew to the point that Walin could distinguish Dank’s features. His eyes were yellow and shaped like a cat’s. Like an infection blue colored skin was creeping up to the right side of his face. He had no Adam’s apple and like a finger one blue vein crawled from his neck to his eye.

He stared at Walin with his eyes that seemed to produce their own light. With horror and a hint of fear Walin took a step back. Dank’s hand slowly drifted to the bars, his left arm was completely normal but his right arm was a far darker blue than his neck and the right side of his face. His arm seemed shriveled and sickly. On the underside of his forearm sat what looked like a wound got infected, Walin swore he saw it move.

“Dank? I pictured you a lot more…” he never finished his sentence. Dank’s right hand shot through the bars and grabbed Walin by his stiff leather collar. He pulled Walin’s face into bars so that their eyes were inches apart. Dank's dry hand made a scratching noise on the bars, the lingering smell of human poop completely disappeared when he was right in front of Dank. it seemed as if Dank's presence disapated any odor that happened to be there, in fact Walin could smell nothing at all. Walin tried to push himself away but dank held him with one arm. Anger formed on Dank’s face as he kept silent.

“w-w-what are you?” stuttered Walin. Dank said nothing, he just stared at him. both Dank’s and Walin’s eyes were huge, Dank released Walin and he slowly stepped back. He began to walk back to his table in slow deliberate motions, his feet hardly made a sound. Walin straightened his collar and spoke,

“the healers will be here to take you scum out for a while.” He then walked out of the cell block. Walin couldn’t figure out what dank was exactly but he would not hang around wondering he would go look in the castle Akkaton records.

Back in the cell Dank had just sat down at his table and resumed his work. The old man asked dank, “hey dank you know you could have gotten some material from him.” the old man knew how to talk to dank. “you didn’t really hurt him either.”

Dank looked up toward the old man, then toward the door, then back to the old man. He motioned the old man over. “Bevik.”

“yea I’m coming.” The young man stood up and helped the old man to his feet. Dank stood up and drifted to the old man and he placed a beautifully crafted red and blue robe over the old man’s shoulders. The red and blue alternated in a checker board pattern and with a hood. The old man pulled it straight and admired the workmanship. Warmth began to cling to his body as the robe added a second layer of insulation.

“oh dank this warms my bones. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you’re here dank, dank, dank?” dank was ignoring Bevik’s higher voice as he walked towards the cell door. Immediately it opened and several guards ordered the men out of the cell. Dank walked out of the cell in a robe of his own and stood between the two guards, both of them stiffened and stood up straight. Peering around dank waved the rest of his cell mates out. Bevik and another man had to carry one man that was almost perpetually asleep out of the cell and into the cell block. The guards escorted them out and into the screening area. The yellow brown room served as a staging area for prisoner transport.

One man, obviously not a guard by his brown shirt and red wool pants began to speak out loud, “Cell Ark one on weekly transport to research camp for study, embarkation about 2 o’clock.” He called each prisoners name and when they said here he checked their name on his scroll. When he read ‘dank’ dank tapped on the desk to get the man’s attention. When he had it he waved his hand once then walked towards the door.

“Cell ark one containment level one escorted by captain walin, estimated arrival time four thirty.” Walin opened the door from the outside. Dank put his hood on and walked out into the light.

ArcThomas
September 29th, 2010, 05:13 AM
I 'm interested.
And I think there was an impovement here.
However that which you added. Specifically the last two paragraphs might need a revision.
To make them more compelling. But not nessissarily so.

I liek the idea.
but don't forget to use the senses. Smell .. dank, :P

Kordain
September 30th, 2010, 04:25 AM
i have another part i can put on here after some work. they are two separate stories that link up quickly. after i post it i can give the main plot for the whole thing.

and yes i will add and fill in the last red part.

i can't tell the story from Dank's point of view, then the story would lose its interest. it has to be told in semi omniscient third person.

xminnis
September 30th, 2010, 04:58 AM
I personally feel like most of the descriptive dialogue tags can be removed; he called, he stuttered, he interrupted, retorted shouted. They can just be replaced with said. Said is as invisible to the reader as punctuation and just makes it flow better unless you REALLY need to point out something.

Sir.
October 1st, 2010, 10:15 AM
I like the approach and the veiw point that your using, and although Im a little unsure as to wether Dank is escaping or going out with the healers, I think you either need to bring the guard back or introduce someone to get to know dank, but still keep the sense of mystery at the same time. otherwise I think you might end up with a character who has the soloution to everything and just tidies up the plot as he goes along rather than a character which a reader can develope empathy with.

garza
October 1st, 2010, 01:00 PM
The dialogue tags really are disruptive. And as Bugs, ah, I mean, as Sir has pointed out, you are in danger of having your central character fail to become someone the reader cares about. Mystery is one thing, an undeveloped shadow is something else.

Kordain
October 1st, 2010, 03:30 PM
yea i've got another part i have ready to go but i want this done before i post that part.

Kordain
October 2nd, 2010, 01:24 AM
i've improved it now thanks to some nice comments. the end is extended and i changed the spelling for Walin to Wallin to better get the pronunciation down. for some reason i can't change the color of the print sorry just the last four paragraphs were changed. after the blue one.

“Hey Dank,“ a guard named Wallin called as he stopped infront of the cell door. “Dank they’re going to let you out for a while” Wallin said insincerely. He called again for ‘Dank’ and when he got no answer he was not surprised. pacing in front of the bars he called again, some response. Through them he could see half a dozen people in a small 12X12 cell all with various illnesses that were strange and weird. the smell of human fecal matter that had recently filled his nostrils had subsided once he put his nose toward this cell which was rather clean compared to the others in the prison.

“Leave the man alone,” Called an old man from the cell. The old man was sitting against the wall wearing some rather nice looking clothes. In fact all of the prisoners seem to be wearing quality clothing that even though it looked strange was still quite nice. Wallin noticed but dismissed it as the castle just going under budget again.

“Shut it, you old crimp! Now Dank listen I know you can hear me.”

"Just leave him be." pleaded the old man once more.

"I don't know you name old man and I don't care. You guys better know that I’m not going to be nice like the last captain was.”

“Who!? Skirk? He wasn't nice,” said a younger prisoner.

“Well I’ll make him seem like he was your best friend. I don’t tolerate anything.”

“You be quiet or you will be disciplined,” Wallin said.

“Since when? No one here is ever ‘physically’ disciplined,” The young man said.

“I’m not the same as the other guard captains.”

“Really? Why don’t you come in here and show us then?” said the young man.

“Nice try kid, I’m not going in there.” Wallin now saw that they knew how to play the guard in a prison like this. It wasn’t really a prison just a quarantine for those who have unknown diseases. How could he rule this prison with an iron fist if he could never touch them? Touching those in other cell was like a death wish, one could be infected and end up in the cell with them, but this cell Wallin was at now was for those who were not contagious. Wallin didn’t enter for an entirely different reason.

“I don’t want to hear a word from any of you. I want complete silence, no sound at all from your filthy mouths.”

“Well then you might like Dank then. He doesn’t speak at all.” The old man said calmly.

“None huh? I bet I can make him sing.”

“Well I heard him talk when they first brought him in.”

“Anything worth my time?”

“His namesake. We don’t’ know his real name but when they brought him in, he was kicking and a gouging yelling ‘The Dank!’so we just call him Dank, after that not a word.”

“Nice story. Now Dank get over here, I want to meet every one of my prisoners.” No one stirred. “You know Dank I’ve heard quite a bit about you. You’re the mystery. The healers haven’t got a clue about what’s wrong with you. So you just sit in here and rot like the pest you are.” A figure in the corner under the window moved. The figure looked up from the table he was leaning over. Under the window was a dark and well defined shadow where little could be seen.

“Ah there you are hovering over your table. What are you making out of those rags you filthy skunk?” Dank said nothing but he slowly walked into the faint light. “Here he comes to rear his ugly head. I bet you’re more hideous than I thought.”

“Hey Wallin come on don’t antagonized the lad.”

“Quiet! I like his silence.” Dank walked slowly over to the bars where Walling stood. The light grew to the point that Wallin could distinguish Dank’s features. His eyes were yellow and shaped like a cat’s. Like an infection blue colored skin was creeping up to the right side of his face. He had no Adam’s apple and like a finger one blue vein crawled from his neck to his eye.

He stared at Wallin with his eyes that seemed to produce their own light. With horror and a hint of fear Wallin took a step back. Dank’s hand slowly drifted to the bars, his left arm was completely normal but his right arm was a far darker blue than his neck and the right side of his face. His arm seemed shriveled and sickly. On the underside of his forearm sat what looked like a wound got infected, Wallin swore he saw it move.

“Dank? I pictured you a lot more…” he never finished his sentence. Dank’s right hand shot through the bars and grabbed Wallin by his stiff leather collar. He pulled Wallin’s face into bars so that their eyes were inches apart. Dank's dry hand made a scratching noise on the bars, the lingering smell of human poop completely disappeared when he was right in front of Dank.it seemed as if Dank's presence disapated any odor that happened to be there, in fact Wallin could smell nothing at all.Wallin tried to push himself away but Dank held him with one arm. Anger formed on Dank’s face as he kept silent.

“w-w-what are you?” stuttered Wallin. Dank said nothing, he just stared at him. both Dank’s and Wallin’s eyes were huge, Dank released Wallin and he slowly stepped back. He began to walk back to his table in slow deliberate motions, his feet hardly made a sound. Wallin straightened his collar and spoke,

“the healers will be here to take you scum out for a while.” He then walked out of the cell block. Wallin couldn’t figure out what Dank was exactly but he would not hang around wondering he would go look in the castle Akkaton records.

Back in the cell Dank had just sat down at his table and resumed his work. The old man asked Dank, “hey Dank you know you could have gotten some material from him.” the old man knew how to talk to Dank. “you didn’t really hurt him either.”

Dank looked up toward the old man, then toward the door, then back to the old man. He motioned the old man over. “Bevik.”

“yea I’m coming.” The young man stood up and helped the old man to his feet. Dank stood up and drifted to the old man and he placed a beautifully crafted red and blue robe over the old man’s shoulders. The red and blue alternated in a checker board pattern and with a hood. The old man pulled it straight and admired the workmanship. Warmth began to cling to his body as the robe added a second layer of insulation.

“oh Dank this warms my bones. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you’re here Dank, Dank, Dank?” Dank was ignoring Bevik’s higher voice as he walked towards the cell door. Immediately it opened and several guards ordered the men out of the cell. Dank walked out of the cell in a robe of his own and stood between the two guards, both of them stiffened and stood up straight. Peering around Dank waved the rest of his cell mates out. Bevik and another man had to carry one man that was almost perpetually asleep out of the cell and into the cell block. The guards escorted them out and into the screening area. The yellow brown room served as a staging area for prisoner transport.

One man, obviously not a guard by his brown shirt and red wool pants began to speak out loud, “Cell Ark one on weekly transport to research camp for study, embarkation about 2 o’clock.” He called each prisoners name and when they said here he checked their name on his scroll. When he read ‘Dank’ Dank tapped on the desk to get the man’s attention. When he had it he waved his hand once then walked towards the door.

“Cell ark one containment level one escorted by captain Wallin, estimated arrival time four thirty.” Wallin opened the door leading to the outside. Neither Dank nor any of his cell mates knew what time of day it was, they had so sense of time in the quarantine. The only light they had was the light of the fires in the cell block but now they could finally find out what time is really was. Unfortunately for Dank it was noon in the month of Highsun with no clouds in sight.


The sun light flooded the room and Dank immediately stepped back and shielded his eyes with his arm. The other prisoners leaned back and sucking in air from their noses except for the sleeping guy. Dank cowered against the wall. Wallin found his moment he walked over to dank and grabbed him by his collar. Dank tried to throw wallin’s arm off but the moment he did his eyes were exposed to the sun again and he shielded his eyes again. Wallin found that with the sun Dank couldn’t resist or fight back like he had with the other guard captains.


Dragging Dank across the floor and out the door Wallin headed for the Keep. Wallin dropped dank in a wheel barrow and told the other prisoners to do the same with the sleeping man. The three other prisoners pulled the helpless Dank and the sleeping man behind Walling as he marched toward the gate.


The castle Akkaton the placed they were was a Castle build by the mightily Naporian engineers. All each castle was was a large system of tiers. The city was on top of the wall not behind it. The castle was built into the side of the mountain and was large and wide. It had only eight levels on it and they had to scale all eight of them to get to the keep.


Wallin marched effort free as the other tugged and pulled the other two up the keep.

Sir.
October 3rd, 2010, 07:31 PM
beginning to grab my curiosity with the growing and suspicious quarantine going on, - especially like the transportation, departure time and research area, good sinister feeling building round it, still think Dank needs a equal or a opposite so as to find out more about him.
last of the new paragraphs needs re reading though.
cool stuff :)

Kordain
October 3rd, 2010, 08:03 PM
what do you mean by equal or opposite?

josh23
October 3rd, 2010, 08:28 PM
I have to admit i didn't particularily enjoy the first draft, but as you work on it i think its getting much better. As Sir said i really liked the sinister feeling that is around the whole story, dank especially. I think you could really improve it by adding a bit about the quarantine and when it started and what not, doesnt have to be long, just enough that we get the idea of how it all started.

Other than that good work and i look forward to reading more :D

Kordain
October 3rd, 2010, 09:27 PM
sure at the end of my next post i can fix it up a little to satisfy and your curiosity.

Kordain
October 5th, 2010, 03:56 AM
i added a ton of stuff just so i could get to a good stopping point. please be specific when telling me i need detail tell me what you want to know and where it should go. every thing in red is new stuff i added. Enjoy and be honest with your (constructive) criticisms. Thank you.




“Hey Dank,“ a guard named Wallin called as he stopped in front of the cell door. “Dank they’re going to let you out for a while” Wallin said insincerely. He called again for ‘Dank’ and when he got no answer he was not surprised. Pacing in front of the bars he called again, some response. Through them he could see half a dozen people in a small 12X12 cell all with various illnesses that were strange and weird. The smell of human fecal matter that had recently filled his nostrils had subsided once he put his nose toward this cell which was rather clean compared to the others in the prison.

“Leave the man alone,” Called an old man from the cell. The old man was sitting against the wall wearing some rather nice looking clothes. In fact all of the prisoners seem to be wearing quality clothing that even though it looked strange was still quite nice. Wallin noticed but dismissed it as the castle just going under budget again.

“Shut it, you old crimp! Now Dank listen I know you can hear me.”

"Just leave him be." pleaded the old man once more.

"I don't know you name old man and I don't care. You guys better know that I’m not going to be nice like the last captain was.”

“Who!? Skirk? He wasn't nice,” said a younger prisoner.

“Well I’ll make him seem like he was your best friend. I don’t tolerate anything.”

“You be quiet or you will be disciplined,” Wallin said.

“Since when? No one here is ever ‘physically’ disciplined,” The young man said.

“I’m not the same as the other guard captains.”

“Really? Why don’t you come in here and show us then?” said the young man.

“Nice try kid, I’m not going in there.” Wallin now saw that they knew how to play the guard in a prison like this. It wasn’t really a prison just a quarantine for those who have unknown diseases. How could he rule this prison with an iron fist if he could never touch them? Touching those in other cell was like a death wish, one could be infected and end up in the cell with them, but this cell Wallin was at now was for those who were not contagious. Wallin didn’t enter for an entirely different reason.

“I don’t want to hear a word from any of you. I want complete silence, no sound at all from your filthy mouths.”

“Well then you might like Dank then. He doesn’t speak at all.” The old man said calmly.

“None huh? I bet I can make him sing.”

“Well I heard him talk when they first brought him in.”

“Anything worth my time?”

“His namesake. We don’t’ know his real name but when they brought him in, he was kicking and a gouging yelling ‘The Dank!’ so we just call him Dank, after that not a word.”

“Nice story. Now Dank get over here, I want to meet every one of my prisoners.” No one stirred. “You know Dank I’ve heard quite a bit about you. You’re the mystery. The healers haven’t got a clue about what’s wrong with you. So you just sit in here and rot like the pest you are.” A figure in the corner under the window moved. The figure looked up from the table he was leaning over. Under the window was a dark and well defined shadow where little could be seen.

“Ah there you are hovering over your table. What are you making out of those rags you filthy skunk?” Dank said nothing but he slowly walked into the faint light. “Here he comes to rear his ugly head. I bet you’re more hideous than I thought.”

“Hey Wallin come on don’t antagonized the lad.”

“Quiet! I like his silence.” Dank walked slowly over to the bars where Walling stood. The light grew to the point that Wallin could distinguish Dank’s features. His eyes were yellow and shaped like a cat’s. Like an infection blue colored skin was creeping up to the right side of his face. He had no Adam’s apple and like a finger one blue vein crawled from his neck to his eye.

He stared at Wallin with his eyes that seemed to produce their own light. With horror and a hint of fear Wallin took a step back. Dank’s hand slowly drifted to the bars, his left arm was completely normal but his right arm was a far darker blue than his neck and the right side of his face. His arm seemed shriveled and sickly. On the underside of his forearm sat what looked like a wound got infected, Wallin swore he saw it move.

“Dank? I pictured you a lot more…” he never finished his sentence. Dank’s right hand shot through the bars and grabbed Wallin by his stiff leather collar. He pulled Wallin’s face into bars so that their eyes were inches apart. Dank's dry hand made a scratching noise on the bars, the lingering smell of human poop completely disappeared when he was right in front of Dank. It seemed as if Dank's presence dissipated any odor that happened to be there, in fact Wallin could smell nothing at all. Wallin tried to push himself away but Dank held him with one arm. Anger formed on Dank’s face as he kept silent.

“w-w-what are you?” stuttered Wallin. Dank said nothing, he just stared at him. Both Dank’s and Wallin’s eyes were huge, Dank released Wallin and he slowly stepped back. He began to walk back to his table in slow deliberate motions, his feet hardly made a sound. Wallin straightened his collar and spoke, “The healers will be here to take you scum out for a while.” He then walked out of the cell block. Wallin couldn’t figure out what Dank was exactly but he would not hang around wondering he would go look in the castle Akkaton records.

Back in the cell Dank had just sat down at his table and resumed his work. The old man asked Dank, “hey Dank you know you could have gotten some material from him.” the old man knew how to talk to Dank. “you didn’t really hurt him either.”

Dank looked up toward the old man, then toward the door, then back to the old man. He motioned the old man over. “Bevik.”

“Yea I’m coming.” The young man stood up and helped the old man to his feet. Dank stood up and drifted to the old man and he placed a beautifully crafted red and blue robe over the old man’s shoulders. The red and blue alternated in a checker board pattern and with a hood. The old man pulled it straight and admired the workmanship. Warmth began to cling to his body as the robe added a second layer of insulation.

“Oh Dank this warms my bones. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you’re here Dank, Dank, Dank?” Dank was ignoring Bevik’s higher voice as he walked towards the cell door. Immediately it opened and several guards ordered the men out of the cell. Dank walked out of the cell in a robe of his own and stood between the two guards, both of them stiffened and stood up straight. Peering around Dank waved the rest of his cell mates out. Bevik and another man had to carry one man that was almost perpetually asleep out of the cell and into the cell block. The guards escorted them out and into the screening area. The yellow brown room served as a staging area for prisoner transport.

One man, obviously not a guard by his brown shirt and red wool pants began to speak out loud, “Cell Ark one on weekly transport to research camp for study, embarkation about 2 o’clock.” He called each prisoners name and when they said here he checked their name on his scroll. When he read ‘Dank’ Dank tapped on the desk to get the man’s attention. When he had it he waved his hand once then walked towards the door.

“Cell ark one containment level one escorted by captain Wallin, estimated arrival time four thirty.” Wallin opened the door leading to the outside. Neither Dank nor any of his cell mates knew what time of day it was, they had so sense of time in the quarantine. The only light they had was the light of the fires in the cell block but now they could finally find out what time is really was. Unfortunately for Dank it was noon in the month of Highsun with no clouds in sight.

The sun light flooded the room and Dank immediately stepped back and shielded his eyes with his arm. The other prisoners leaned back and sucking in air from their noses except for the sleeping guy. Dank cowered against the wall. Wallin found his moment he walked over to dank and grabbed him by his collar. Dank tried to throw Wallin’s arm off but the moment he did his eyes were exposed to the sun again and he shielded his eyes again. Wallin found that with the sun Dank couldn’t resist or fight back like he had with the other guard captains.

Dragging Dank across the floor and out the door Wallin headed for the Keep. Wallin dropped dank in a handcart and told the other prisoners to do the same with the sleeping man. The three other prisoners pulled the helpless Dank and the sleeping man behind Walling as he marched toward the gate.

The castle Akkaton, the place they were was a Castle build by Naporian engineers years ago. All each castle was a large system of tiers. The city was on top of the wall not behind it. The castle was built into the side of the mountain and was large and wide. It had only eight levels on it and they had to scale seven of them to get to the keep.

As they walked to the first gate they saw several columns of soldiers marching down the ramp to the main gates of the castle. They were marching to reinforce the armies in the west central province of Plasta battling the Bardans. Wallin marched as if he were noble enough to fight for his country. Crowds of people from the middle class walked and bustled in the streets. The Naporian emblem on Wallin’s chest plate caused the people to part and let them through.

They walked through the second level gate and up the ramp. Half way across the second level the ramp became even with that level then after a hundred feet began its ascent. Through each level they pasted the clothing got nicer and the houses became larger and made of finer materials. People’s eyes lingered on the prisoners.

Through the last gate they walked Wallin had to stop and talk to one of the guards and tell him his business. After the guard told them to move along he eyed Wallin and the prisoners then shook his head. They marched to the gate of the keep which opened at Wallin’s knock. Dank was still covering his eyes, curled in a ball he laid; the sleeping man still lay next to him.

As they entered the keep the contrast in light convinced dank to loosen up a bit. They walked the hall and enter the doorway directly in front, he stone arches showing the way. When the door closed he slowly stepped out of the cart and then he poked the sleeping man till he woke up looked around then stepped out as well.

They all walked toward two large seats in the center of a court. In it sat a large gutted man dressed in mail armor and he was speaking to a servant. Wallin stood before the man with the prisoners lined up behind him. The man in the chair waved the servant away and spoke, “Wallin, captain of the Quarantine prison on tier one uh.”

“yes I am,” Wallin said. The man in the chair leaned back and placed his right thumb and forefinger on the side of his face.

“I’m glad to have you, with such a great record as the new captain; I trust your first day has gone smooth uh?”

Wallin smiled and said; “of course.” He turned his body slightly to catch a look at Dank.

“You brought the people from the non-contagious cell I hope. I don’t want to catch any of their diseases.” The man began to laugh at his own joke, his eyes squinting as if to hold his amusement.

Wallin smiled and chuckled in turn. “No sir I brought only the least harmful.” He eyed Dank once more then turned and smiled at the man again.

“good, good, now let’s get down to the real business. As you probably know I am having a feast one week from today.”

“yes I have heard much of your feasts.”

“I must keep my reputation up so that my competitors don’t take my position. I usually invite the royals but all five are unavailable this time and can’t attend. So I must invite the aristocrats and nobles of the land to gain their favor.”

“may I ask a question sir?”

“why yes.”

“What does a lowly guard captain have anything to do with you feast besides making sure it doesn’t run rampant with disease and plague?”

“Ah I am getting there, don’t fret dear Wallin. Now these people must be entertained while they are here, there are only so many things that can entertain. I need something else, something else that will amuse them. With all mages, magicians, and spell casters now illegal I can’t rely on magic stunts to entertain them. I require something new. I have only read briefly the reports of one they call Dank. I’ve heard he is one that is most unusual even to our special prison.” He leaned to the side to see around Wallin. Wallin stepped out of the way to reveal Dank standing directly behind him with a blank expression on his face. “Is this the one I speak of?”

“Yes sir.”

“Step forward.” Dank stood still for a moment then slowly walked until he was even with Wallin. “Dank, I know you can’t speak for you vocal cords have mysteriously vanished from your body, yet I have the feeling you are not deaf. Nod if you can hear me.” Dank neither moved nor made a motion of any kind. He just stood there peering into his eyes.

“Sir I…”

“Do you hear me Dank?” no response. “As the Kambler of this castle Akkaton I tell you now you will acknowledge me.” His response was the same as before, nothing; just him peering into the Kambler’s eyes like they were panes of glass and he were trying to see a far off country. The Kambler was beginning to lose his patience. “Wallin does he do this every time you speak to him?”

“I’ve only been captain a day,” trying to remain blameless.

“Dank I want you to entertain my guests at my feast. This is a noble enterprise by which you can be rewarded.” Dank frowned and it became apparent to the Kambler that it was becoming increasingly difficult to communicate in a pleasant and diplomatic fashion. “dank I want you to entertain my guests a week from today.” Dank responded by turning around and he began to walk to the door by which he had entered.

“uh…”

“Wallin what is he doing?”

“he’s uh…”

“guards stop that thing!” several guards entered the room from each side ran to dank and each placed a hand on one of his shoulders.

“Halt,” one of guards said with a deep commanding voice. Dank stopped and turned his head toward the guard. He then reached his arms back, then up to the back of either of the guard’s head. He then before they could react he pulled them together in front of him, their unarmored head collided with a *thock!*one guard stumbled back the other ignored his head and reach for his sword. Dank grabbed the upper rim of his breast plate and pulled him into his punch, Dank’s hand colliding with the man’s cheek.

Two more guards entered the room all the while the prisoners and Wallin stood in fear, amusement, and awe. Dank brought his elbow back from the punch into the back of the man’s head sending him into the floor. He then ducked from a sword swipe coming from his left. Once under the man he cupped his left fist into his right hand and jammed his elbow into the man’s knee. Now turn in the opposite direction of the exit he side stepped a man trying to cleave him in half. He turned at the waist so that his left arm was out of the way then brought his right arm down on top of the man’s hand.

He twisted and yanked the sword out of the man’s hand. He swung the sword up to the right till the pommel collided with the top of the man’s head. He took a step back and grabbed the sheath that hung from the man’s side. He pulled it away from his body then cut the belt with the sword. After he had the sheath firmly in hand he tossed the sword into the fire place to the right of the Kambler.

He turned around and blocked another guard trying to stab him. Dank brought the in an arc to the right and feigned an attack to the man’s leg then when the man was trying to parry dank struck the man in the temple with the sheath. Dank swung to the right as quickly as he could but he could not escape the blow entirely a sixth guard was swinging his sword at Dank’s shoulder dank was able to strike the man in the sword arm but the sword still hit dank in the shoulder. Luckily since dank hit him it hit him with the flat of the sword.

Dank stumbled but found his balance in time to parry the next strike. He pushed enough to get the others sword vertical then pushed it around his hands until the man had to release the sword. Dank’s sheath hit the man in the ribs then the shoulder then the temple. He grabbed the sword off the ground then tossed it into the fire. One of the previously fallen men charged him but he side stepped and slammed the sheath into the man’s gut, he grabbed the sword and tossed it into the fire as well.

One man was reaching for his sword but dank stepped on his hand as it reached its target. Dank grabbed the sword and tossed into the fire. He saw Wallin dash across the room toward the window as dank was about to run after him a hand caught his ankle and dank fell to the floor. He rolled onto his back and brought his heel down on the man’s hand. Dank rolled back and leapt to his feet but at that moment that he stood triumphant over six bleeding, bruised, and sore men a bright light fell upon him. He immediately closed his eyes and covered his face, soon after he had been knocked in the stomach by a sheathed sword. Then the sword came down on his back and he collapsed and finally after and swift smack to the head lost consciousness.

Ricky Jalapeno
October 7th, 2010, 04:38 AM
It's pretty good but it didn't keep my attention all the way through. But then again I have a short attention span. Haha so I guess I'll just point out little things.

Dank.it seemed

SHOULD BE

Dank. It seemed

“oh Dank this warms my bones. Thank you.”

SHOULD BE

"Oh Dank this warms my bones. Thank you."


Those are the only bad things I found in there. Other than that it was great! Very interesting. This is the first time I've critiqued something so tell me if I did anything wrong.

Kordain
October 7th, 2010, 05:26 AM
Yea it is long i didn't expect many people to get through the whole thing. The red stuff is the stuff i need help with the most first it is unedited besides grammar. It involves a fight scene and i know from reading from professional authors and even they don't always make stuff clear. Its a challenge I'll willing to meet. Thanks