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ArcThomas
September 26th, 2010, 10:08 PM
I will edit in th beginning on a later date perhaps..
This is approximately 1 / 3rd into the story

Rekkon

...

ArcaneKissing her inner thigh, my eye lingers on her exposed neck. Her moan is of lust, and her skin is sweet.

...

ArcaneI kept my pace. My hands tucked away in my winter jacket. The cries for aid leaked out from the approaching ally as if the very blood that was to poor out upon it. And I kept my pace.
ArcanePassing by, alone and unconcerned I glance. Two men were labouring over a fallen man. Who kicked and yelled. As the wall hid me from sight I slowed my roll.
ArcaneChecking my hands, I was still. Alright. Stepping back before the ally I cock my head to the right. Kicking the collected snow from my boot, and shout.
Arcane"Woah. just, let me guess. You two had a bet with that guy, that he couldn't pay off. Is that it?"
ArcaneI had won. The man with less responsibility stood, leaving the other to restrain the man: Who regardless of my efforts struggled to call for help.
Arcane"We got no deal." The culprit standing before me replied.
Arcane"didn't think so.."

...

Arcane"Wait!" Sable moaned through her tears. I could feel her try to pull me to a stop with both her hands. her delicate, soft.. As I looked to her distorted face I could see she was more afraid then I knew how to comprehend.
Arcane"Where are we going?" she whimpered.
ArcaneI was forced to look away in regret, before I turned my sight back upon her. I had let go of her and she of me. She was standing in her own embrace, wiping the drool from her chin.
Arcane"I couldn't tell you. I don't know." I summed up at the sight of her rebuttal. "We're waiting."
ArcaneShe wanted to turn her sight form me now. I had done so much to her I wish she would have. "Wait? for- when they're chasing us-!" she stammered, throwing down her hands in distress. Tightening throughout her core.
Arcane"I know, but trust me. I know he will help." I was reaching out my hand to her in hopes she would comply, she would understand, she would trust.
...
ArcaneAs the forest became enlarged I slowed to a walking pace. A comforting pace. So that Sable could breath easy. It was hurting me. her pain was
ArcaneThe trees were spaced, spread further then reach. Grown thick like pillars that held up the sky, which had been concealed behind a overhanging garden. The small saplings were failing to thrive amongst the thick roots and ferns. Nothing moved by Sable and myself.
Arcane"Who is going to help us?" Sable whispered, behind her snuffs and chokes.
ArcaneShe had pulled herself close to me, so that i could feel her breaths from the heaves of shoulders. Though it was her grip and her tone that I clung to.
Arcane"Don't worry." I looked back on her in stride. To watch her relax as I lead her along. "I'd like you to do that."
ArcaneShe didn't reply. She didn't have to. Though her hand had found her lips once again, she was quiet.
Arcane"We call him Druid."

To Read the prologue enter my Profile I will do furthur updates there as well
Not looking for feedback. But would be nice.
Would accept co-writing. up-Keep formatting. If i foreshadow a character, leave the introduction to me

Kordain
September 26th, 2010, 11:59 PM
grammatical errors aside i enjoyed it. although i do get tired of the girl being a cry baby all of the time. i'm sure if i read more there may be a reason for it. who is druid? that makes it good for suspense and getting the reader to want more. making it so that the read doesn't have to drag their way through your story is bad but sucking your reader in and pulling them along is great. if a story takes effort on my part to keep reading i'll stop. i liked it. then also for suspense who is chasing them? might give us a hint. good job.

BoredMormon
September 27th, 2010, 04:35 AM
Burn your thesaurus.

'Failing to thrive' could be replaced by 'wilting' or some equivelant term.

ArcThomas
September 27th, 2010, 04:57 AM
untrue. Thriving is doing well: flourishing if you will. Where as Failing to thrive means they are just small or unsuccessful.
Wilting means dying. as in they were thriving at some point.


Check my profile for another entry soon If you like the story. It's a history log



Update listings here

I, me, myself. Rekkon
Sable
The chasers
The geist
Mariah

Druid




If you want me to go on about any detail specify and it is so

BoredMormon
September 27th, 2010, 05:30 AM
True, my word was a bad example. But there is a word that would describe your plants by saying what they are doing, instead of what they are not doing. See the difference? Just my thoughts.

ArcThomas
September 28th, 2010, 03:30 AM
Recently added

...
ArcaneI smile, hoping my eyes, my lips, could be inviting. The chase was over. We must have been close. She was my damsel.
ArcaneThe forest grew back in on this side of the creek. Though the trees were still thick, and the fog still loomed up top in the trees. The forest floor was thick with foliage, and growth.
Arcane"Can I pretend- like, you just didn't- do that?" Sable asked between her panting. Her brows were furrowed, though her eyes spoke her heart. She looked so innocent in her distress. Muddied and covered in forestry.
ArcaneA leaf fell between us, as I was about to reply. But as my lips parted, few more, and more: there was a shuddering quake in the branches above. My eyes shot to the sky.
...
ArcaneThe poltergeist lifted his head, and in a bound found cover behind a thick trunk. Lengths of hair trailing it with smoky guise. A deep grunt exclaimed effort.
ArcaneSable shrunk back, though I refused to yield her ground. The stream of fiery moon light that burst from the canopy yet blinding me out of focus. With a helpless and frightened girl clinging to my wrist, and a phantom in the breeze. I was cornered in the light.
ArcaneA hoot and a howl sounded from behind the tree, and yet again he burst forth and disappeared. Burst forth, and disappeared. Sable was so exasperated I could hear her piss, and smell her sweat: and so could he. With a disturbance in the fallen leaves I could hear him disperse in the gully from which we climbed.
Arcane"Run." I whisper
...
ArcaneThe forest seemed to rush me more then us it. The thick of the brush, not so much my forté. Neither was it Sables. I wince, how was I so slow: her town shoes.
ArcaneThere was a cackling laughter in the forest from behind. The soft resounding thuds of the pursuer in the far of distance ringing in my ears. The horrid thought of my disability clicking as a clock in my eardrum.
ArcaneHow much closer? Pounding to a stop, leading Sable with a fluent swing, I brought my finger to my lips. The momentum of her shocking pace had her stumbling about to my chest. She only let out a small gasp before allowing me to lead her to the forest bed.
Arcane"Stay here."
ArcaneSable hadn't, couldn't stop crying: and I didn't blame her. Her cloths were ruined, her lungs were bleeding, her ankles broken, her life in jeopardy, with a demon left to reassure her.
ArcaneRising, to confront the predator, the forest seemed to shrink. Close in on me. Trapping me, myself in a maze of delirium. The tallest tree was a snare. The twisted shrub, a corner. My only comfort the distant hoots of a ghoul.

...

ArcThomas
September 29th, 2010, 03:44 AM
Splicing
For co-author previsions Druid
...
ArcaneStaggering forwards all I could see of him is the tail end of his bare back. Swallowed up by the trees and the black. Caressed and welcomed by the darkness in the wood.
ArcaneThere had yet to be a sound from Sable. Hoping, begging of my company to hold fast: I had to turn my head to listen carefully for the slightest sound. Even the poltergeist had fallen quietly away.
ArcaneCrouching low, I steadied my stance with two fingers in the damp soil. The freshly fallen leaf, sinking beneath me. The tops of the short sprouts now towers about me.
ArcaneAs the seconds turned to minutes, Sables tears spoke to me. What fear could do. What trust requires. I had to be off. And so I was.
Arcane"Mariah.." Without a single fiber of my being astray I begged for mercy. Of course she would being doing this. No doubt it was personal: It was. My ears twitched with excitement, though it was only her now: out here.
ArcaneI slowed to a stop. A forest so vast, yet in a world so small. What did it take for you to find me? i questioned in my soul. Forgetting myself as I strayed ever closer to Sable.
Arcane"Minimal damage," Mariah replied, straight to business in tone and manner. Though I rebuked her rolling spiel with a frightening scowl. I could see it behind her facade. Her palms were open towards me as she began to circle about. "Just hand her to me, and it will be alright."
ArcaneI stood my ground. My hands clawing at the air at my hips. Wincing, I take note of her composure; her posture; alertness; current understanding. The trees were silent.
Arcane"What do you care about the Pure for?" She demands.
...
ArcaneAS I missed with a plow that would have knocked Mariah unconscience. Spilling blood from my twisted jaw. Losing my first and could be last opportunity to reach our retreat.. I was eating the dirt.
ArcaneA gruff growl let me know it was him, before the foot that dug into my chest threw him away. The teethy grin, and mess of dread-locks painting agony upon the tapestry of death that was to befall me.
ArcaneMariah was back on her feet I could see. Her hisses feigning courage before the Feral beast that had stolen the light.
...
ArcaneStealing to my feet, my haven is the lack of screams. My enemy my enemies enemy. My decision final. Death is for everyone.

Feral being a significant term

ArcThomas
September 30th, 2010, 03:38 AM
Further on yet.. much further.

...
ArcaneThrowing down the drenched coat on the bed, there was no sense of keeping things tidy. Knocking the lamp off the night stand, unnecessarily so, didn't seem like it. Uncapping the fresh bottle of Jack, driven.
ArcaneStanding in the dark. Alone in the one bedroom apartment. I start to drink filthy, haunting memories away. Like water it doesn't begin to phase me for another hour: and a bottle.
ArcaneStanding at the window, my hands in my pockets. I see a world before me about to dive head first into the wake, formed by the yawning Abyss. I hear silence, the way the night should be, would be no more, as one by one the people are spoiled or spilled.
Arcane"Sable.. "
ArcaneTurning off the one lamp left standing in the corner, I look to the bed. Oh why did I leave that there? I groaned inward angrily.
...
ArcaneStepping onto the street. My hands found their cubbies: guilty robbers.
Arcane"You heard me! Get out!" Sable cried in my mind.
ArcaneShe was standing their horrified of me. Wet and helpless. Alive but how much. Her life had ended that day. I knew it: I played my fair share.
...
ArcaneThe next block came with the time. In moments. Block by block, I shuffle between pity, and anger, until I just cry. Why was it so frightening to hear that I was a Vampire. That I was guilty of my many sins.
ArcaneMy face in my hands I've fallen tot he sidewalk. knee deep in slush. Drowning in iniquity.
...