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Andrew Carson
September 22nd, 2010, 03:50 PM
Bitter cold ate away at the old manís body, so much that he could not feel his extremities. Snow constantly beat his face, but this was not important. He only had one goal, even if it meant death. He strode through the mountain, hoping that he would see his destination sooner rather than later. All around him was snow, he could barley see in front of his hand but he had to continue. A faint crying could be heard from underneath his white robes. He unwrapped the small baby from within them, making sure that it would survive the journey. Itís face was blue, but it was a strong child. It had to be.

ďKeep strong young one, not much longerĒ, the man whispered to the pained baby. He carried on with even longer strides, because he knew that if he did not make the journey, there was little hope left. Crunching of the snow could be heard behind him. Worry struck the man. His thoughts wondered to the happenings of the past few days, so much death and pain. Everything he knew was lost. Another crunch this time much closer. He span around, surveying the area. His long white hair distorting his vision. Nothing was in sight, he tried to move his hair but the wind was too fierce. Still he could see nothing.

No choice but to carry on, if he stopped for too long then the cold would kill them both. The childís crying became louder and more urgent. The old manís legs ached, they longed for a warm fire and above all, a chair. Harsh rock all around, gave an feeling of hopelessness. No green, only white. Everywhere white. However he had no choice but to continue.

He walked for hours, only ever stopping to check on the baby. When he saw he lush green forests of Oakwood, he felt a sense of peace. Towers from the royal palace could be seen just beyond the lush forest. Such a change from the harsh winds of the mountains, to the gentle breeze which tickled the leaves, making them dance with a sense of calm.

Crying had subsided and was replaced by silence. Rustling of leaves and the snapping of twigs were the only sounds to be heard. It had been days since the old man had felt peace. He actually felt, like his concerns would be resolved after all. The palace itís self was not as magnificent as the once glory of Mallen, however it was tall and proud. Time after time the old man had visited this region, but itís splendid grey towers and huge oak gates, never seized to amaze him. How such a small region could have such a grand palace was beyond him. The baby would be happy here, and more importantlyÖ safe.

The old man left the baby in the palace, knowing that he would get exactly what he needed. It would be years before the old man would be able to take the child back. He left with the satisfaction that the future king would be safe until the time was right for him to take the throne.

Auskar
September 22nd, 2010, 04:27 PM
Speaking of the story only - if it is a prologue, I think it should start earlier - with the battle that caused the old man to carry the baby to safety.

ArcThomas
September 22nd, 2010, 08:04 PM
was gonna say, this should be a prologue not a chapter. :P
(reason being. chapter 1 should never start with, what is happening to a character. Good prologue starter though)

new paragraph (NP)

All around him was snow...

Make this two distinct sentences. Improve the second

He unwrapped the small baby from within them, making sure that it would survive the journey.


NP

Worry struck the man.

Over all. I thought it was a catchy theme, however it was dragging.
The idea seemed used. but I've never seen your plot.
And the conclusion was bitterly swift.

You ave me wondering hat kind of story this is.
I'd coach you further. But no on likes my stories.

Kordain
September 22nd, 2010, 08:55 PM
common theme that some baby is placed someplace so that it can fullfill its 'destiny.' although some end with the carrier dying i'm glad you let the old man live. but how old is the man if he is considered old when he will be around for the child to grow to a significant age. how does one live that long, magic, genes, potions, what? is he not actually that old?

how long does it take him to get to the city. hours, days, minutes?

what does the man look like what is he wearing? don't answer these questions by righto out saying them. let the descriptions flow. over all i liked it.

ArcThomas
September 23rd, 2010, 01:17 AM
consider konfu-masters

and agreed on attire. perhaps skin colour (origin)..

I love tense shifting. But grammatically, it could be troubling for some..

BoredMormon
September 24th, 2010, 05:07 AM
Struggled with the tense shifting.

TheYoungNovelist
September 25th, 2010, 03:52 AM
this is actually very well written... but it seems to be trailing off... make it a bit clearer

AlittlePlum
September 25th, 2010, 11:34 AM
I liked this. I had a vision of a place similar to that in Lord of the Rings and as such saw it as that kind of fantasy. I will say though that the beginning sentence may need to be revised, "Bitter cold ate away at the old man’s body" suggested to me that the man was dead with the way it was worded. Obviously you read on to explain that he quite clearly isn't but it meant I began to read it in confusion.

A lot of the description could be tighter but the premise is there and I enjoyed it.

StrikingEagle
September 25th, 2010, 02:56 PM
I like your beginning but it is way too wordy. There is a lot of repetition. The description of this man walking with a child wrapped in his coat will probably read better if shortened.

I agree with Auskar's thoughts on this as a prologue. This appears more like the beginning of a story and not a prologue. "A prologue should reveal significant facts that contribute to our understanding of the plot. It should be vivid and entertaining in its own right." (Marg McAlister, Foremost Press)

Other thoughts:


Itís face was blue, but it was a strong child. It had to be.

I'm not a medical professional; however, if I see someone turning blue this would indicate lack of oxygen. This baby would not make it for the hours of walking you describe.


The palace itís self was not as magnificent as the once glory of Mallen, however it was tall and proud.

"it's" should be its. It's is a contraction for: it is.


Crunching of the snow could be heard behind him. Worry struck the man. His thoughts wondered to the happenings of the past few days, so much death and pain. Everything he knew was lost. Another crunch this time much closer. He span around, surveying the area.

Span should be spun. There is obviously someone/something nearby. Expanding on this detail now would be good, otherwise these sounds appear meaningless to me as a reader.

As I said, you have an interesting beginning: An old man walks through the snow carrying the future king of somewhere to possible safety. Not enough for a prologue.

Please understand my comments are suggestions which I hope are helpful to you.