The Backward OX
September 20th, 2010, 03:23 AM
The concept here is rather good. Stories about this level of society can be quite entertaining. If however the storyline stays only at the level of teenage groping it will soon lose its appeal. I’m hoping for more depth as the story unfolds.
Here’s a few things I noticed.
Well, bad news, Mommy and Daddy Newbury - your little Remy isn't quite the angel you think she is.
Every word of a story is told through someone’s eyes - either a character in the story or a narrator or at times even the author. This sentence baffles me. I cannot figure out who’s saying it.
"Whew!" breathed Gemma, running a hand through her hair. "It is ridiculously hot." It was September in New York City, but the Indian summer combined with the heavy traffic had made the entire city unbearably balmy.
My guess is that somewhere you’ve come across the word ‘balmy’ in relation to non-cold weather and decided it was a good word to use here. The trouble with this approach is that if the user doesn’t really know what the word means, they risk making themselves look foolish. This is what’s happened here. Balmy and hot have totally different meanings.
Matty was standing awkwardly in the middle of Remy's spacious bedroom, his hands in his pockets.
"Hmm," Matty said, stroking his chin. "This is a very serious case, indeed. What are the voices telling you to do now, Miss Newbury?" His warm brown eyes gazed seriously into Remy's wide blue ones. Their faces were dangerously close, and suddenly Remy didn't feel like they were playing around anymore.
"They're telling me," breathed Remy, hitching a breath as Matty reached out and brushed a stray strand of blonde hair out of her face, "to..." she trailed off as Matty snaked his other arm around her. "...to kiss you."
Matty leant his face down and brushed his lips softly against Remy's.
When he gets on to Remy’s bed, this guy comes across as experienced with women. So the earlier ‘standing awkwardly’ doesn’t really gel. A self-assured guy is self-assured all the time.
But Matty was older, and ridiculously good-looking, and...oh %
[email protected]!...her sister's boyfriend...
But Remy quickly brushed that thought aside. Of course Gemma was much too nice to ever cheat on anyone, let alone help someone else cheat. But Gemma was too nice for her own good, and Remy wasn't Gemma.
You’ve started three sentences with the same word. Not only that, ‘but’ is one of those words that in my opinion should be used sparingly at the best of times. It’s a dreadful word. In my opinion, that is.
Like I said, I like the concept. It'll be interesting to see where it goes.