View Full Version : Inner Demon

September 16th, 2010, 06:11 PM
Dark Fantasy.
Very rough draft.
Could be a start of something more, or mush. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks for reading in advance.

I had a life before this, before I became something entirely different. Then I met himthe man that would change everything.

I didnt even know him and yet already I was in love. Weve only written to each other a few times, but I could hear his voice inside my head. We hadnt yet met in person, but I was attracted to him as if it was love at first sight.

The day we met online, I was feeling down, locked in this hell of mine. He peaked through me like an open door when he sent me his first note. Ive seen you hear before, he said in his letter. I was intrigued from the first moment I opened his mail. So many times, Ive felt invisible, like no one even noticed I was there. But he saw me on that poetry site that day and remembered me from before.

And whats it to you? I wrote in response.

Well, Ive read your poetry, its wonderful.

Oh, is that it?

Yes, it moves me in ways you wouldnt believe, he wrote back.

I was taken aback by his response. I didnt know what to say. All these years writing poetry online, I finally had attracted someone to itall of it. Its what Id been waiting for.

The last poem I posted was Come Back to Me.

Come Back to Me

Love, a vast traveling sea, calm me
this ravished heart of mine has failed.

I beg you; guide my rafting thought
afloat. Capture my winds of breath;

cradle them as I set sail in search
of you. Come back to me, join me

in paradise, where we once met
in dreams. Carry me away to the silk

sands; be inside me once more. For this
emptinessthis loss of you, has drown me.

It moves me like you wouldnt believe, I reminded myself of what he wrote again.

I was flattered that he enjoyed my work in such a way.

For the past three years, Ive been writing poetry for cathartic reasons. My therapist said it would be a good coping skill for my disorder. But I had other reasons too. And as the months passed I began to post my work on PoetMania.com. I never would have thought it would reach out to another person in such a way.

Let me properly introduce myself. My name is Jesse Dawson. I also write. I find it relaxing. I just registered Monday and saw your username InnerDemon a few times and read all of what you posted. I was very impressed, he wrote.

From that point on we began friends. We messaged each other back and forth for weeks. I never told him about the darker side of me. I didnt want to scare him away. I had to keep that hidden.

Throughout the course of our friendship we exchanged pictures. Jesse was a slim man in his twenties, with jet black hair and ice blue eyes. His face had chiseled cheekbonesthat of what a magazine model would have. He stood about 63 and smiled in all his pictures. He was happy to know me. What he didnt know was that I sent him pictures of the previous person I was. The person I used to bea beautiful woman with long flowing blonde hair and green eyes. The woman that used to be a size 2. The woman that once had beautiful smooth skin.

He would be horrified at the way I look nowin the dark, when I became something different, something not human. He wouldnt believe me of what I am now.

Charlene, I havent heard from you in a while, is everything okay? Jesse wrote.

He went on to say he wanted to finally see me. Three months had now passed and Jesse loved me as I loved him. But he was in love with the inner me. I was deathly afraid if we were to meet, would change right then and there? That would ruin everything. God had cursed me to hell three years ago when I killed myself that daythe day I lost it all. When in the hospital, I was reborn into another life, yet I carried the burden of being a fallen angel of darkness. To redeem myself I had to make a choicelive on this hellish earth, a monster for all eternity and save condemned lives from making the same decision I made, or have my beloved family in my previous life killed and their future families and so on. I had to stop the cycle from happening. There was only one way off of it.

I had a life before this. I was a single mother of two beautiful children. If I were to see them now, they would instantly die. The only way to break the curse was for someone to fall in love with me all of me.

It was a doubled edged sword. That is what I got for doing it the first time. Here was my chance at breaking the spell. Jesse was half way there. Maybe he could love the both sides of me. I had to take that chance. So I made a decisionto meet him in person for the first time.

And thats how everything else started. My first mission was to save Sarah from committing suicide. There was only one problem. She was in love with Jesse.

Ilasir Maroa
September 16th, 2010, 06:48 PM
This sounds more like Paranormal Romance or Urban Fantasy than dark fantasy. Although dark fantasy is a descriptor, and the other two are more marketing categories.

This has a very good voice, but I noticed part way through that the narrator shifted from second person to third person, and it really confused me. Is there a particular reason for it? It seemed like "you" and "him" and "Jesse" were the same person, so I'm not sure why the shift.

The final line suggests a reasonable if oft-used conflict, but it's a real jump from where the story was. It seems like the whole "mission" thing was either tacked on or poorly explained. Since being some sort of demon in love is already a fairly strong opening, it might be easier on the reader if you wait until later to discuss the external conflict.

September 16th, 2010, 07:43 PM
Thanks so much Ilasir. I quickly changed it, fixing the "you" to "him".

Feeling a little blue today...hard to concentrate on my writing.

Let me know how it sounds now. I'm sure there are plenty more mistakes. I do appreciate you reading and commenting though.

Ilasir Maroa
September 17th, 2010, 06:50 AM
The consistent pov definitely makes a difference.

Do you read a lot of UF or PR?

September 17th, 2010, 07:13 AM
Not really...just whatever I can find on the boards. I'm a member of other writing groups too. But you're right, that's a good idea. And the POV you're right about too. Like I said, it was a very rough start, but I think I got it now.

I am going to rewrite the beginning again in a more active way then passive. She isn't doing anything right now. I thought I could throw in some of that too. Thanks again.

September 19th, 2010, 03:20 PM
Chapter Two

As I stepped out into the hallway and locked my door, I was startled by a voice.


Oh, David, its just you. You scared me, I said to him as I turned around.

I hate to bother you Charlene, but I havent seen you around lately, is everything okay?

David was an older manin his mid-forties, with short brown hair and gray eyes. He had lived alone on the first floor. All I knew of him was that he was once married and that his wife had passed away a few years ago.

Ummyeah, everythings okay. Just been busy.

Hey, I was wondering if youd like to grab a cup of coffee or something. He looked at me softly, smiling with a slight grin.

Oh, thanks, but I cant. Im late for work.

Maybe some other time then?


I raced down the hallway and left.

Once I got in my car and started driving, I thought of how courteous David always was. Its not like I wasnt interested in getting to know him more. In fact, I liked him very much. But my senses told me he didnt believe in God. And if I were to get involved, I would suffer the consequences.


I pulled up in Luckys parking lot a few minutes after 8. It was the best local job I could find. Once I was reborn into this new life of mine, I had to adjust quickly. After the hospital stay, I applied for disability. It was the only good thing about having a mental illness. Jan, my boss, understand I could only work a certain number of hours and only in the mornings and afternoons. I couldnt chance it in the evening. Every night around the same time, my body would change.

Hey Charlene, running a little late are we? Jan asked with a joking remark as I walked in the back door. She was always lenient about everything, but made it a point that she knew.

Sorry, Jan, it wont happen again.

No problem, Charlene. Were a little slow today anyway.

After I punched in, I went to work on my tables. Jan was right. There were only a few customers waiting to order. The first table I came to was an older couple.

Good Morning, what can I get you? I asked them.

They looked through their menus for a few moments when a sudden wave of sickness caught me by surprise. I felt the nauseous feeling rise from the pit of my stomach. Sounds became louder. I could hear the clinking of the pots and pans in the kitchen as if a marching band played in my mind. My head pounded with excruciating pain.

Just as they were about to order, I asked them if I could excuse myself.

Sure thing honey, the man said.

Instantly I ran to the bathroom, swinging open one of the stall doors. I knelt down and closed my eyes, hoping the feeling would subside. Then the vision came.

It was Sarah. She was alone. More flashing images fluttered inside my eyelids.

She was sitting at her desk writing a note.

Dear Jesse,

I know you no longer love me. Nor do you care. I still cant believe after all these years, our relationship has ended. I have failed you. I have failed myself. That is why I am taking it into my own hands to end itfor the both of us. I dont want to burden you or anyone else for that matter. That is why I am saying good-bye.


I could see the razor beside the letter. After she wrote the note, she crumpled it up and started again.

Then the image was gone. Something told me I had to act fast to save her. Time was running out. I panicked. It was only 10 in the morning and there was no way to reach her now. Sarah lived in California, over a thousand miles from Michigan. I had to figure something fast. So I thought of texting Jesse in the hopes he would check on her. But what would I say? Hes only told me about her a few times, but said it was over between them. He couldnt know yet what was happening with me. So I decided to make something up.

I reached out of my pocket of my apron and texted him a note:

Did you hear about that horrible fire on 31st and Main? It was all over the news, just hope youre okay.

Within a few minutes, I received a reply text. Oh, God. That is right where my ex-girlfriend lives. Need to check it out. Will write you later. Thank you for letting me know.

Instantly I was relieved. Even though I had to lie to Jesse, I had to think of something before it was too late.

After I walked out of the stall, I glanced in the mirror. I noticed my nose was bleeding. I had blue drips of blood on my apron. Quickly, I took a napkin, dousing it with soap and water and started to scrub the stain out. Thats when I heard the bathroom door swing open.

Charlene, youve been in here 20 minutes. Whats going on with you? Jan asked.

Sorry, just a touch of the flu I guess.

You dont look so good. Maybe you should take the day off. Besides I cant have you sick and working around all this food.

I looked down at my apron and was relieved to see the stain gone. Maybe youre right. Would it be okay if I left for the day?

Yes, and please get some rest while youre at it.

After Jan left the bathroom, I finished cleaning up, splashing some water on my face and headed out the door. Once I got my things, exiting the building through the back, I walked over to my car and started to cry.

Why did this happen to me? Why did God play such a cruel joke on me like this? I had struggled in my previous life, but this was an even deeper hell than before.

I kept driving, turning the volume on the radio to full blast to drown out my thoughts. Then my cell phone began to vibrate.

I pulled over and flipped open my phone to answer the call.


Jesse! How are you? Are you okay?

How did you know?

Immediately I began to wonder. At first I was afraid he was going to confront me with the lie, but from his response I was puzzled.

What do you mean?

The fire, how could you have known?

Im not sure I understand. I told you I saw it on the news.

But it had only started just moments before I got there.

Dear God, I thought. Did I have something to do with this? Was God playing another trick on me? But it was a lie. I created a lie because I knew Sarah was in danger. I couldnt just let her kill herself.

Not sure what to say Jesse, maybe I got the fire mixed up with something else. I guess it was just a coincidence.

Well coincidence or not, it was a good thing you told me Char, Sarah could have died, he said. Shes okay though, shes in the hospital recovering from smoke inhalation.

Oh, thank goodness shes okay then.

We ended the conversation after Jesse said he would call me later that night.

I was in shock. It was a close call that it all had happened. But I was amazed that it even happened in the first place. Racing thoughts flooded my mind. I began to feel dizzy again. As I sat there in my car, parked on the side of the road, I decided to get out for some fresh air. Thats when I heard a voice. Someone or something was calling me from deep within the wooded area.

I had the urge to follow it, so I entered down the forest trail and began to walk as the voice got louder.

Come, Charlene, we must speak with you

September 19th, 2010, 11:50 PM
I like the style of writing but the first chapter leaves me confused as to who's speaking, mainly the ending - the third name sarah is particularly confusing as it appears that the plot is between charlene and jesse , charlene narrating with the hindsight of a failed affair.

September 20th, 2010, 04:08 AM
I like the style of writing but the first chapter leaves me confused as to who's speaking, mainly the ending - the third name sarah is particularly confusing as it appears that the plot is between charlene and jesse , charlene narrating with the hindsight of a failed affair.

Yes, but it is explained better in the second chapter. Did you get a chance to read it? Let me know what you think of it when you can. thanks again.