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Adjective Ocean
September 16th, 2010, 04:55 PM
These nightly strolls of mine had been growing at an alarming rate. I found that during the night my thoughts were clearer, my ideas sharper. I wasn't entirely sure why this was the case, and I didn't particularly care. All that mattered was that outside, walking through the darkness........cleared my mind, and that was all I needed to justify doing it. Still, not even the calming effect of the night could put my nerves at rest. Today had been hell. The pressures of balancing work and school were immense. I had a pile of lab reports and half finished papers stacked up in my dorm room. As the pile grew, so did my worries. My professors didn't seem to care much for my problems, and who could blame them? My story was hardly unique. To them I was just another student dealing with the same issues that every other student was, and truthfully that was the case...or it was anyway. Tonight, I wasn't just taking a stroll to think. I was taking it in hopes that if I did exactly as I was told, I wouldn't end up dead.



A few days back I crossed paths with the campus drunk, Kyle. No one, aside from his professors, knew his last name and no one really gave enough of a damn to learn it. The guy was obnoxious, one of those loudmouthed stereotypes that would be your best friend up until you pissed him off. If you did you'd think you killed his mother, when in reality all you did was call him on being an ass. Endless streams of threats and curse words would fly from his mouth, and God help you if you said anything more to him, because unlike most of the drunks out here he'd actually hurt you. Why he hadn't been kicked out of the place was beyond me. All I could figure was that the guy either had friends in high places, or low ones. Either way it amounts to the same thing, you don't mess with people like that. Unfortunately....I have a bit of a temper and against my own judgement I said something. Moments later his fist was in my face, and I found myself on the ground. Standing over me, he screamed that he'd gut me in my sleep if I didn't meet up with him tonight, and the look in his eyes backed up his claim. I realized it was stupid, incredibly stupid to actually do as he said, but I was scared. I was hoping that if I did as I was told....I'd make it out ok.



There was just something about the guy that wasn't right...something stange. If I thought it would've done any good I would've informed the campus police. Fact was is that they had their hands full. For whatever the reason, there had been a sudden increase in violent incidents, with more than a few students getting seriously hurt. No one was sure what had gotten into everyone, and truth be told it was a little scary. People had been getting crazier and crazier, and more than a few times I found myself checking behind my back at night. The darkness began to let up a bit as the clouds parted and rays of pale light cut through the night.. To my right stood the fountain, and surrounding it was an eerie glow, brought on by the sudden moonlight burst. It looked like a tall, ghostly man...with eyes of fierce white fire. Chills ran through me, shaking my body violently. Today might be my last.....and with that thought came a deep sinking feeling. Before I knew it....I was there. The meeting place was just underneath an old tree some distance away from the statue. The leaves swayed softly in the night, and from the beneath the rustling came his voice. "Well, you showed up after all". I stood there, and braced myself, but I couldn't have been prepared for what was coming next. From the darkness appeared to small lights of bright bloody red. The lights...were his eyes. "Ever heard of a rage demon buddy, cause I have reason to think you have.". I couldn't respond and could only watch as the red eyes grew closer and closer. With every step my heart skipped a beat."We don't show ourselves too often....normally takes just a bit more energy than the average demon can produce, but every now and then...one of us breaks the barriers. Every now and then, one of us becomes powerful enough to actually materialize, and when that happens...the shit hits the fan for you guys. People just can't handle our prescence, drives them insane with fear and hate." He pushed me out from underneath the tree with incredible force. I went flying backwards and crashed into the ground.


Almost instantly, he was standing over me. He was shouting now, glowing red with anger. "Stop with the fucking act, I know you're not half as scared as you let on. You're not just a typical student with his head up his ass. I KNOW you knew what I was before I came here, and I know the whole student thing is just an act. You don't give a fuck about it, you just do what you need to to get closer to us. Well, buddy, you've bit off more than you can chew now".He'd seen through my act, or the parts that were an act anyway.Part of the fear was genuine. I'd dealt with his kind before, but I never got use to it. It was always a scary thing to face one down, and there's just no getting accustomed it, especially when such a staggering variety of demons exist. You can never properly prepare as each is unique in its own disturbing way. The one thing most demons had in common was that they all seemed to be able to read minds.....hence my deception. I did know what he was, and I had come here to kill him.


A sudden spasm ran through the demon's hand. It shook for a moment, violent and wild with power, and then the beast slowly began to close its fingers. As they opened, a small ball of fire came into existence and with inhuman speed he hurled it at me. I lifted my hands, and unleashed my own power. My arm was suddenly engulfed by an incredible white light that repelled the fire ball. It flew off to the side, bursting through a window in a distant dorm. The building was immediately engulfed in a fierce flame, and screams filled the night. The sinking feeling appeared again as the yells of the innocent assaulted my ears. This wasn't supposed to happen....he was far more powerful than I realized. After I deflected his attack, he backed away, slowly, warily. Evidently he had underestimated me as well. I rose to my feet, and stared into his glowing eyes. He spoke. "What are you, a fucking angel or something?", fear was in his voice now. "Not exactly.", I responded. His hands began to glow with power again. He was preparing to launch another attack. Before he could, I launched mine. I lifted my arm until he was facing my palm, and before he could react, a beam of pure light shot out of it. The beam hit him square in the forehead and rocketed out of the otherside.


That would've been enough to finish most demons, but not this one. He fell to the ground, his hands shaking with pain, his face contorted into an ugly frown, the hole in his head emitting smoke. "I'm going to kill you, and everyone else in this place you piece of shit." Suddenly, he levitated into the air, and his body began to glow bright with an orange aura. I hadn't encountered this before, and I wasn't sure what to do...I wasn't given a chance to do anything. Before I knew what was going on, he exploded into a massive fireball. It spread throughout the campus, over me, and then everything went black.



END EXCERPT

lmc71775
September 16th, 2010, 09:01 PM
I think you use ellipsis too much and in the wrong way. I think it is only suppose to be 3 periods...

I do like the story though. The ending was really good. Maybe create a little more dialogue into it.

Adjective Ocean
September 16th, 2010, 09:51 PM
I think you use ellipsis too much and in the wrong way. I think it is only suppose to be 3 periods...

I do like the story though. The ending was really good. Maybe create a little more dialogue into it.

Thank you. I'm always glad to see that someone likes my writing. I haven't finished up on the work yet, so I'll try to flesh this particular piece ot in terms of dialogue if it's too lacking. Thanks for the comment!

In Flight
September 16th, 2010, 10:06 PM
So I love me some sci-fi fantasy and I won't comment on anything other than the content since you aren't finished and I figure grammar is better left to the final drafts. The opening paragraph was predictable...you see a hundred of these stories start out this way. I would just delete the first two sentences, because it's only the third one that grabs attention. Just rearrange the whole first paragraph really lol, keep the action at the forefront and then delve into what he's thinking. Have to go to class soon so I won't say much else, other than the whole demon thing is too obvious a surprise...not that I thought he would turn out to be a demon...but when he actually did, my thought process was, dang, he's trying too hard to surprise me. Be more subtle about it.

Other than that, good job, it was entertaining, just needs some smoothing out :)

Adjective Ocean
September 17th, 2010, 02:23 AM
So I love me some sci-fi fantasy and I won't comment on anything other than the content since you aren't finished and I figure grammar is better left to the final drafts. The opening paragraph was predictable...you see a hundred of these stories start out this way. I would just delete the first two sentences, because it's only the third one that grabs attention. Just rearrange the whole first paragraph really lol, keep the action at the forefront and then delve into what he's thinking. Have to go to class soon so I won't say much else, other than the whole demon thing is too obvious a surprise...not that I thought he would turn out to be a demon...but when he actually did, my thought process was, dang, he's trying too hard to surprise me. Be more subtle about it.

Other than that, good job, it was entertaining, just needs some smoothing out :)

Thank you. I agree about the opening, I do it far to often, lol. It's just a bad habit I need to axe out. I tried a little foreshadowing that something was strange about the guy he was meeting, but evidently it wasn't enough, so I'll try to keep it from being a blunt axe to the face, lol. I'll get to work on it. :)

In Flight
September 17th, 2010, 02:33 AM
I think it was mostly that I thought he was some sort of mafia guy. Maybe the words "crazy" are a little too familiar haha...bizarre, strange, weird...something along those lines might be better. When you talk about the violent acts, make something stand out...like this isn't your normal run of the mill stabbing, but bodies placed in contorted positions hinting at the supernatural.

And I'm a little confused, this guy has an awesome power right? so why do I believe that he's actually scared for his life? Make the reader his confidant from the beginning...let us know he's just doing it to lull the demon into a false sense of security.

Adjective Ocean
September 17th, 2010, 08:50 PM
I think it was mostly that I thought he was some sort of mafia guy. Maybe the words "crazy" are a little too familiar haha...bizarre, strange, weird...something along those lines might be better. When you talk about the violent acts, make something stand out...like this isn't your normal run of the mill stabbing, but bodies placed in contorted positions hinting at the supernatural.

And I'm a little confused, this guy has an awesome power right? so why do I believe that he's actually scared for his life? Make the reader his confidant from the beginning...let us know he's just doing it to lull the demon into a false sense of security.

Well I tried to explain why he was still scared, power or no, a demon is a demon, and each encounter is different. I tried to drive that home a bit, but evidently it wasn't enough to convince the reader so I'll work on that. I don't want him to be the typical "I'm a cocky guy with powers". I want him to be aware that he is somewhat vulnerable. The nature of his power will be explained in later chapters, and maybe that will help everything make more sense. Just as a clue, the powers aren't his, and are subject to being taken away. As far as the descriptions go, I'll take a look at it. Sometimes I just go over things and don't give them the attention or emotion they deserve, so I'll check that out.