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rella616
September 16th, 2010, 03:30 AM
Hey everyone. This is my first time getting back into the whole writing thing since four years ago when I joined the military. It seems to have suppressed my imagination (not to mention my vocabulary and grammar), but things are starting to pop up again so I'm trying to just run with them in hopes of being able to get back into the swing of things. This is just a quick piece of a recollection of a visit to the cafe several years ago. Please, let me know what I need to focus on in order to improve.

He was, in a word, beautiful. Pouting lips encased his inviting smile as he asked me what I would like to drink. I wanted to reach up and brush aside his rich, espresso hair that was just starting to reach into his eyes. Those tender, deep brown eyes held some concern as he explained to me the cappuccino machine was broken. I wanted to stare into his eyes all day and read everything that they spilled out so freely, but I had to look away to avoid him reading my own translucent thoughts. Now, I was left with the full power of his silken voice. It slithered seductively across my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. If I could, I would have contained and used it to caress things that were beginning to stir deep inside me. His hands, so masculine yet gentle, connected to perfect forearms with lean muscle stretching gracefully beneath tan skin so resplendent that I wanted to touch him in order to confirm my suspicions of how soft that skin would feel beneath my fingers. A dragon wound its body around his right forearm impressing itself as a hint to what may lie beneath that lovely and gentle exterior. It seemed to stare at me and say 'come taste what I have to offer'.

At that point I could have looked back into his open gaze and let my eyes speak for themselves what words I would not let escape my lips. I could have showed him my inexorable desire to peel back those beautiful layers to reveal that man that etched a little of himself onto the surface. But I let the moment pass. I returned every perfect smile with a polite one of my own and suppressed the visions that tried to connect my every thought. And this boy with the dragon tattoo will forever remain a contender only in a fantastic dream.

Deeohgee
September 16th, 2010, 04:43 AM
I'm a Romantic not a romantic lol, so it was difficult for me to want to continue, but you have a great vocabulary and you use it well! Got anything else?

rella616
September 16th, 2010, 05:07 AM
Thank you. This was actually the first time in a very long time that I was able to just sit down and let things flow. Hopefully it will continue I will have more to offer soon.

Deeohgee
September 16th, 2010, 05:09 AM
What service were you?
Once a squid always a squid...

rella616
September 16th, 2010, 05:16 AM
Air force

TheFuhrer02
September 16th, 2010, 12:29 PM
It was short and sweet. However, it was too femininely lustful. Not that this is wrong, but I'm a guy, and you could expect my thoughts when I read this.

As for your worry, no, you're vocabulary has not left you.

Sam
September 16th, 2010, 02:40 PM
There's not a lot to go on here, and nothing yet that's grabbed my attention to force me to read on. Maybe if there was a little more, that might change. Right now, there's not enough for me to give you any definitive critique.

I do have one question: Why would you name it that? One of the most famous thrillers of all time is Steig Larson's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I don't know if you're aware of that, but it's an iconic title and you invite immediate comparisons when you use an almost identical one.

rella616
September 16th, 2010, 05:49 PM
TheFuhrer02: yeah, I never wrote like that before. I'm just trying to go with whatever comes to me now until I get back on track.
Sam W: Now that you mention it, I actually have heard the title. I never even considered it. I was just so excited that after years an idea finally came to me and stayed with me long enough to actually formulate some kind of concept even if it was pretty short rusty.

Ilasir Maroa
September 16th, 2010, 06:54 PM
There's a lot of purple prose in this. I don't read a lot in the romance genre, so perhaps I am over-reacting due to my own tastes, but perhaps you could tone down the "masculine perfection" aspect a little, or else approach it more subtley.

As Sam said above, there's not a lot to go on here. This could be a quick anecdote, a short flashback, the beginning of a romance or erotica novel, etc. I feel the hint of a conflict in her decision to pull back, but I feel like the mass of description is a bit hollow.

As far as the issue of the title: On the bright side, I couldn't not click on this thread once I read it. But unless this was a parody/riff, inviting such a comparison to a very disimilar story seems like a dangerous move.

thewordsmith
September 18th, 2010, 06:48 PM
"Purple", yeh, that was my take on it, too. You do have a skill with words but you will need to tone it down a lot. Funny thing, though. As I read it, for some odd reason, I began to take it as a guy telling the story. Regardless, the language needs to be toned down if you want to appeal to a large audience. The first sentence is stellar. Everything from there to the bit about the dragon, for me, could be ditched and reworked. Even the dragon loses its luster in presentation.

The title is absolutely marvelous and lured me in. I won't even pick up a book in the bookstore if it's got a boring title unless someone I know recommends the book. For me, that's how important a good title it. When I read the title, I imagined something possibly Occidental and perhaps slightly mystical and slightly thriller/mystery so the romantic bent of the excerpt rather took me by surprise.

Finally, one last grammatical hiccup. "I could have showed him ..." actually should be "... have shown ..."

It would be interesting to see a rework of this. (I'm still seduced by the title!)