View Full Version : several winters too long

September 11th, 2010, 03:54 AM
this is an idea I've sat on for about three months and finally started to write. this will be a full sized novel but his is the first part of the first chapter. its not done yet and i will most more soon. i haven't figured out how to indent in the forums yet. <help!> please be honest when you tell me you thought it was dumb or almost as over used as sparkling vampires. be warned the first chunk of dialogue will not make much sense because of two things, i wrote this in a half an hour and it will make sense later in the story(not much further). read enjoy and tell me what's on your mind.

“we can’t bring any of those people through again.”

“why not? Look this is urgent and we know none of our people can do it.”

“we have a 50% chance that they’ll help. I don’t like those odds.”

“and we have a 100% chance at dying if we don’t try.”

“look the first guy helped us.”

“I know that’s what I’m hoping for.”

“hope will not avoid anyone like the second and third.”

“but what about the forth?”

“she went right back as soon as the job was done and hated it the entire time.”

“we don’t have much time.”

“I know we should be trying to fix it ourselves.”

“I can bring the first guy back again.”

“what! How?” Two cloaked men walked through the snow. It was the first snow of the year in the republic of Napor [ney-pohr]. It fell lightly with no wind, the flakes drifting back and forth, landing amongst the trees. The men had their arms wrapped tightly to keep them from the cold. They walked quickly wishing the snow would fall faster to cover their tracks.

“we have found a way to go to them then come back.”

“yes what about time.”

“we can’t pin point the time but we can’t go back before he came.”

“so just take him from some time after we sent him back.”


They kept looking back along the way they had come. in a matter of minutes they had reached their destination. A small grey ruin, a few arches remained, built in the glory days of their creators. A stone door lead into the side of the hill. The door was split into four section and as, one of the men was rather old with a spring in his step, he pressed a glowing blue stone on the door frame the four section parted and retracted into the walls with a dull scraping noise. The other man turned and pulled a scroll the size of a child’s forearm.

“covet deh twacks,” He spoke in old molish, the predecessor of modern naporian. The scroll suddenly burned away in half a second. The snow they had displaced quickly leapt into the foot prints. The tracks were gone bringing security to them and the ruin. He turned toward the open door.
“what if he doesn’t want to come?” he said to the young man.

“well that’s why I’m going. If he doesn’t want to come then I’ll come back by myself.”

“wait?” whispered the young man. He pulled off his hood “listen.”

The other man took off his hood to reveal a bald head on top. “what?” he whispered back.

“I heard something.” The young man placed his hand on his sword hidden in his cloak.

“are you confident?”

“no.” a bird chirped in a tree above them, then took off sending snow upon the two of them

“aahhh!” yelped the bald man shaking his head to get the snow off.

“lets go.” Said the young man.

“fine let’s get this thing fired up.”

“sure thing.” Two robed men walked through a stone passage way illuminated by dim blue stones in the walls. The white stone on the walls were smooth and wore the blue glow of the stones well. Both men walked down a flight of stairs then came to a large room. In the center of the room was a large object that stood two stories tall.

One man who seemed to be younger by the spring in his step took what seemed to be a blue chunk of obsidian about the size of two fingers. He placed it in a podium made of the same white stone the room was made of. The large object started to hum and emit light from symmetric patterns on its surface. It began to float and spin slowly.

Two other podiums that were flanking the device with flat tops held small platforms. The other man that was older and bald on top took out a small coin purse and placed four gold coins on the mini platform on the left of the young man. The platform lowered some and when four more coins were placed on the platform it sunk so that it was level with the surface of the podium.

The bald man placed the coin purse back in his robes and placed sulfur powder on the platform on the right. He placed just a couple pinches then stood next to the young man.

“get ready and give me the keys,” Said the bald man. The young man gave him two more colored obsidian keys.

“right green then the other one.”

“right.” The young man walked in front of the device that was now pulsating with heat. The device was emitting more light, it details were more distinct. It was flat on the top and tapered at the bottom. The young man stood between the two podiums with the gold coins and the sulfur. The bald man placed the green key into the stone then placed the tan one in. the device started to hum louder.

The tapered end started to spurt lighting into the floor. “I hope you can bring him back.”

“well I’ll try. he’s our only hope.”

“good bye.” The bald man turned each key in quick succession then pressed a blue light stone down into the podium. The lighting began to leap to the two other podiums. The lighting lit the sulfur and the gold on fire. The flames burnt a strong green as the two piles began to shrink.

The young man put his arms out toward the podiums and the green flames jumped the gap and crawled up his arms and over his shoulders. The sulfur and gold were almost burned away. The lighting began to become more intense until the gold and sulfur were totally consumed. The young man disappeared in a green fiery explosion. The lighting stopped immediately. The device fell down until the tapered end was embedded in the stone slot in the floor. The lights dimmed but the heat remained.

The bald man sighed and turned to walk away. The heat was welcome in the cold room. He started to climb the stairs when a explosion sounded from the room he was exiting. He turned around to see the young man and another standing in strange white clothing with strange metal objects in their hands. The room was filled with brown metal boxes and crates and several other odd looking items.

“your back already?” asked the bald man in surprise.

The newcomer began to speak, “it’s good to be back. Now what can this American do for you Naporian folks? And why is it so cold in here?”

“are you…Johan?” ask the bald man.

“yes. He is the great Johan.”

“great Johan? Hmm doesn’t have much of a ring. Hey my name is john not Johan.”

“anyway, we need you to help change our climate,” The bald man said. There was a pause.

“funny thing,” The american said under his breath, “How do I change your climate? What’s wrong with it?”

“it’s snowing outside,” Replied the young man.

“last time I was here it did that sometimes.”

“it’s the month of Digast.”

The american thought for a moment. “that’s august!”

“yes and we suspect foul play. We now know that it is the last of the Galenans who are doing this. They have a device that is making the climate colder and colder. we are living off of food stores now.”

“well let’s get to work then. First let’s evaluate where we are.” John began to walk out of the room a set of binoculars hanging from his neck and a black Beretta 92 in its holster. He had a modern american army combat uniform with arctic camouflage with a patrol hat on.

“what is all this stuff you brought with you?” asked the bald man.

“weapons, equipment, food, and other things,” Replied the young man. The bald man turned to look at the young man in surprise. “we were there for a while.”

“hey guys. It will be easier for me if I knew your names.”

“ah yes” The bald man said. “I am Larik and my friend here is Seran.”

“well it’s nice to meet you Larik. Hey is there supposed to be someone up top?”

“no. why?” asked Larik.

“I’m pretty sure there is someone pounding on the door.”

“what!?” gasped Seran. He drew his sword and started to bound up the stairs. Larik reached into his cloak and pulled out a another scroll. John pulled his 9mm out and stood in front of the door. John nodded and Seran pressed the blue light stone on the frame. The door opened up and a rather young lad stood their surprised his eye agape and he was panting rather hard. John leapt upon him with his 9mm on the boy’s chest.

“who are you?” asked john threateningly. The boy looked down at the gun then a look of relief came to his face.

“Johan that’s drik. He’s from the town.”

“were you followed?” asked john.

“followed? Who would…” john placed his left hand over the boy’s mouth and peered around. he didn’t see anything. Suddenly he saw a man take off from where he was hidden. John jumped up and gave chase.

September 11th, 2010, 04:06 AM
Thanks for sharing. Try adding some background, and descriptive scenes and I think that you are onto something here........:) keep writing...

September 11th, 2010, 06:36 AM
Interesting start. I see you haven't been here long so welcome.

A couple tips for posting. Traditional paragraph form from word won't come through. You need to put a line space in between each paragraph or else it will all meld together. That makes it easier to read. And if it's easier to read then you are more likely to get people to read it. It's simple and doesn't take much time.

I would recommend writing it down like you did. Then go back, edit it, add on, rewrite. Then let it sit for a bit and take another look at it. Try and get it to say exactly what you want, and as clean and error free as you can manage. Just as well as you can manage, it doesn't have to be perfect. Then post it.

Once you get it down how you want it to be you'll be able to get better feedback whether it's working, if you misspelled some words, or switched tense.

An incomplete picture won't get you a complete answer. I can tell you that the dialogue follows a logical line. That it is fairly interesting, not cliche if that is what you were worried about. But I really can't help you with the story because it's not really here.

I would like to see it again after you've got it all fleshed out. Feel free to message me if you post it and I miss it. But def. work it all out before you post it again.

Ricky Jalapeno
September 12th, 2010, 08:11 AM
How do you indent on here??

September 12th, 2010, 08:16 AM
You press the space bar several times.

Really the easiest way to post is write it up in Word or whatever processor you use. And instead of indenting for the paragraph, or with, put an extra space between each paragraph.

You can always go through after you've copied and pasted and add the indent or space but I find that it's simpler for me to just write it out that way.