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CaptainWilliam
September 10th, 2010, 09:43 PM
This is my first try at this kind of story. Enjoy!


The Abyss


"If I asked you to define the word abyss, what would you say? Eternal darkness, maybe, or would you tell me it's one of the entrances to hell." Terry looked down into the darkness and sighed. “I suppose I could tell you the story of how I got here, better yet, let’s start with the day it showed up.”


The day that the hole appeared was one of those days that couldn’t get any worse. The people were running to the nearest bomb shelters, hoping that it was safe from the hole. Well it wasn’t and it sank like everything else in its way. Nobody knew what had created it or why they created it, but they did know who or what was wrong.

“No, let’s go back to the beginning of the day.”

“Hey Terry, how would you like to go to the fair with me, free of charge.”


This is Raymond; he enjoys the fact that I’m a guy that likes to be with as many women as I want. He is married of course, and he hates being tied to one woman, unlike Raymond, I have a steady job and a woman that likes to experiment. She is sexy when she wants to be.


“Well buddy, what do you say to that?”


I couldn’t turn him down and leave another man hanging. “I would go to the fair, but I have a meeting to go to in thirty minutes.” I changed my mind, is it a crime to do so? I didn’t want to be with him when he was away from his wife; he tends to talk about his wife, and how wants someone younger in bed. It’s bad enough that I deal with him at work, and at the laundry mat.


“Maybe we could go this Saturday?”


“I will keep my schedule clear on that day.” I had something planned for Saturday though, but I guess a day out with the guys could be okay, and the strip club could wait for another pay-check.


“Good to hear. See you then.” Raymond took the next walkway and crossed the street.


I walked back to my apartment and opened my mail box, nothing but junk mail and a book of coupons for fast food restaurants. I was hoping for a package with money to be in my box, but I’m not that lucky, I can’t even win the lottery. I ripped up the trash and tucked the coupons in my coat pocket. I don’t normally wear this coat but it’s my favorite. If you’re wondering it’s made with leather, I’m not the kind of guy to wear a cotton filled Nike coat.


“Hey baby, how was your walk to the corner?”


Cassandra is her name and foreplay is her game. She is the girl that I was talking about, the one that likes to experiment with other people. She has a smoking hot body with red hair, and brown eyes, she has everything a guy could want in a woman. She was in a bar when I met her, and man let me tell you, she can really down tequila.


“It was nice, I ran into Raymond; he asked me if I wanted to go to the fair with him on Saturday. I said I would see what I could do.” I know I told him that I would go, but I had to lie to keep my rear out of trouble.


“You can’t go with him, you promised a night out to the club.” She had her hands on her hips and she was tapping one stiletto on the linoleum. This was her angry look, and when she got angry she let you know it.


I closed my box and took her up to my room, it’s only a one room, and it has a couch and one end table. The couch is one of those types that folds out into a bed. Don’t mind the pizza boxes on the floor, I don’t like to cook in my kitchen, but I do use it for storing alcohol. I turned on the television to find I left it on a new station.
There was a woman wearing the usual clothing that news people wear.



“This just in, a hole has appeared outside the grocery store ‘Save a Bundle’; it’s slowly growing larger with everything it sucks down!” She wasn’t joking about that, it was getting larger.


“I think we should probably get a plane out of Michigan tonight.” I was worried of course, not only for my life but for her. Without Cassandra, I was nobody with a lousy job, and messy apartment.


Cassandra looked at me with those big doe eyes of hers, and pushed up her bottom lip. “Can’t we just wait and see if it goes away?” She didn’t know any better, and why would she. She was just a woman that needed a man to support her.


I couldn’t look her in the eyes and say no, I’m a guy that can’t say no to the opposite sex, and maybe that was my weakness. “We will wait it out, but if it gets too close we will leave this apartment and catch the next plane out of here.”


“Good, now let’s go to bed and finish the business we started this morning.” She had that fire in her eyes that let me know she needed me, real bad, that was what I liked in a woman. Perhaps that was all I liked in a woman.


The next morning, I woke to the lights in the apartment flickering and the windows cracking and shattering. The hole didn’t waste any time getting to this part of town, and now it was at my door demanding more food. I should have listened to my mind and boarded a plane straight out of her, but instead I spent the night with a woman that wanted me to have sex with her. I thought I would never say this, but for once my life was more important to me. The hole was slowly dragging me down, and I could only stare at Cassandra’s exposed breasts. I stared at them until the darkness came, only then did I realize, I was a one woman man for the rest of my life.

ArcThomas
September 10th, 2010, 10:12 PM
I think your too focused on.. I don't know. Cassandra :P

Anyway. I just really don't liek your way of telling the story. However I like the conclusion.
And I think it has pontential. You need some read critiques from some of the more friendly forum members.

I'd tear you a new one on this, and I didn't want to read it word for word till the end.
good story. bad go.

CaptainWilliam
September 10th, 2010, 10:44 PM
I don't mind the hard blows to the gut. I'm looking for a good critique, not one to give me mercy. :)

TheFuhrer02
September 14th, 2010, 08:50 AM
At first I thought this was going to be a Sci-Fi cliche, but when I started reading further, this turned out to be a doomsday type. It is a cliche, too, but I'd rather read these types of stories.

The thing that got me reading is the way how the hole was being introduced. It was placed as a background, put in the perspective of a couple living their normal lives, with the normal temptations. This may seem inappropriate at point because the hole was supposed to have been the center, but as I reached the end, I could see the transition. It was just right.

I had a problem with sentence structuring and punctuations, though. You should be able to structure sentences and put punctuations in them correctly in order for the reading experience to become fluid. Not that I don't commit the same errors, mind you.

Here are a couple noticeable points:


This is Raymond; he enjoys the fact that I’m a guy that likes to be with as many women as I want. He is married of course, and he hates being tied to one woman, unlike Raymond, I have a steady job and a woman that likes to experiment.

I had to read this thrice just to get the meaning right. "He is married..." and "unlike Raymond..." should have been two separate sentences, I think. Take a look here. Notice the difference:

"He is married, of course, and he hates being tied to one woman. Unlike Raymond, I have a steady job and a woman who likes to experiment."


If you’re wondering it’s made with leather, I’m not the kind of guy to wear a cotton filled Nike coat.

The sentence came to me as if I was wondering if the jacket was leather, or was the jacket actually made of leather and you're stating a fact? If it is the latter, which I am sure what you're trying to say, it would be better if it was structured like this:

"If you're wondering, the jacket's leather."

Noticed how the comma made the structure better?

Overall, the delivery wasn't exactly the best, but the intriguing plot compensated for it. If you could neaten out some of these creases, it would be a huge improvement.

As a last note, I can't help but notice this sentence:


I don’t normally wear this coat but it’s my favorite.

Ironic, isn't it?

CaptainWilliam
September 14th, 2010, 03:04 PM
Thank you for the critique! I will start working on it soon. :)