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joonho1
September 10th, 2010, 05:46 PM
If off-links aren't allowed, tell me. But in-detail diagrams and more chapters are on www.jakartaseries.webs.com (http://www.jakartaseries.webs.com). It's also in my profile. Just in case that's not allowed, I will still be adding stuff on the forum :D

EDIT: This isn't realistic fiction- it's scifi. Read the tags.

Introduction

It is the year 11092, the galaxy realm of Gravitium had 15 planets surrounded in the Inner Circle of the galaxy. The Orb of Kerovan, the source of all power and mage effects, was partially stolen by a rebel organization called Jakarta. They believed that the Inner Empire’s rule was harsh and cruel. They had no freedom in their lives trapped in the Inner Circle. These rebels, called pips, sought to remove the Inner Empire’s power by taking the Orb of Kerovan and mobilizing an army to vanquish the Empire once and for all.
The siege almost worked.
The siege for the Orb was nearly successful. However, one pip managed to trigger one of the many alarms in the room that the Orb was kept. The pip dropped the Orb on accident, and broke into 5 pieces. Jakarta managed to escape with severe wounds from enemy fire, two pip deaths, and two pieces of the Orb.
These pips need the Orb for another main reason. Jurguron, one of the outer planets not located in the inner circle, was their base planet. However, it was not convenient- it had an extremely hot climate, was home to many parasitic plants and animals, and was too small. The biggest planet known was Alpha-Magorran, but that was inside the Inner Circle.
There was an ancient manuscript also smuggled by a fellow pip. Inside, there was an old recording that there was a planet not too far from the Outer Realm called Terra. It was described as a peaceful atmosphere, pleasant climate, moderate size and shape, and plenty of land and water. It is bluish-green.
The Orb has a special power- given that you know the exact name of the planet; Kerovan’s power could give you the exact locations of any planet. This is what Jakarta wanted- freedom.
It was also described in the manuscript that over 5,000 years ago, our ancestors had lived on this planet called Terra. However, overpopulation forced many people to find a new home out beyond. As a result, they found Gravitium. They brought their language, heritage, culture, and knowledge with them. As they found other life forms, humans learned to communicate and learn their language, and out of this formed the Inner Circle and the Empire.
The Inner Circle is an imaginary circle that forms a perfect circle around the 15 surrounding planets from Ceronius, the middle planet. The Outer Realm is all of the planets and space beyond the Circle. Jurguron, Jakarta’s home planet, is on the border of the Circle.
The 15 inner planets are unique and extraordinary. Some are dead and uninhabited. The planets are- Ceronius, Yanille, Brillos, Alpha-Magorran, Alcaranz, Cinturon, Palladius, Sosen, Laximos, Xavius, Nox, Helinarg, Tudosten, Technaritan, and Kerovan. The Orb is named after the planet Kerovan, which has a large surplus of mineral qualities and arcane energy. There are five certain planets in the outer realm. Jurguron, of course, is one. Two are mentioned in the ancient manuscripts- Plutos and Terra. The other two planets near the Inner Circle are Reglus and Finariel. This is obviously getting a bit boring to you, so I will move on.
The Orb of Kerovan has two main powers. The first is that the orb is used as a channel for a mage source of energy. Magic is widely practiced in Gravitium, and for it to work, you must use the help of Kerovane crystals for maximum effect. The Orb of Kerovan is so highly saturated with these minerals that almost any type of magic is possible with this orb, if you know how. The second main use is already described above.
This collection of books and logs should prepare you, reader, of what you may be facing or have faced. I do not know what time period you may be reading this in, for I have sent this wad of paper to you through a quantum timer, so the time period it is sent to is completely random.
Good luck, reader.

Journal of Gregory Piranos, Lonestar. Vol. 1
Entry one. Year 11097, March 19th. Southern Jurguron

This is my first journal entry. I am part of a rebel organization called Jakarta, and so far it isn’t going good for us. We’re currently heated up in a battle at Nox because we thought it was time to take action and take the planets one by one, and Nox was a considerably small planet. We pips are fighting hard, but so far we’re being held back by Empire forces. They have these force field that even our most skilled and genius professors can’t seem to disable. However, some parts of Nox are ours, so that’s a good thing. I hope we can win.
I chose to move out of my home planet, Sosen, and join the ranks of Jakarta because our system’s rule is so harsh and strict. I guess they would do that partly because it’s so important to keep everything in order, but I think it’s mainly because they want to have complete power over us, and they want it to stay that way.
One day, I packed a suitcase, food to last me a month, and some clothes and sneaked out at midnight one day and illegally stole a ship. Jurguron actually wasn’t far from Sosen- Jurguron was at the border of the Circle (so I thought) and Sosen was one of the outer planets. Fortunately, I had seen many video files of how to steer such a cramped vehicle and soon I was hovering in the air. I didn’t know the button to take off for long-distance travel. There was a big red button that begged to be pressed, so I did, thinking it’d be the right one.
Of course, sirens went off. Note to self- never press huge red buttons ever again.
I became desperate, because now the force would be sure to come and execute me on sight if they caught me. I mashed all the buttons I could find. I accidentally pushed the huge red button again and the sirens stopped. Well, that wouldn’t do any good now.
I guess the button-mashing worked, because the whole ship shook and then rocketed up into the air. I looked down from my capsule window and saw that the Empire’s force was hurrying to shoot me down. It was too late, though. Soon after, I could see the whole planet from a distance.
I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my friends and family. I am all alone here. Sometimes I regret joining the rebel force. But I know that I had to. Or else I would continue to be stuck in that prison of a system. Trapped, with no freedom. That was the reason I joined Jakarta. Freedom.
As I mope and mope about my situation, let me get back to my past. I silently punched in the directions for the planet Jurguron, which I think was 53d-CRS. Not that you’d probably know if you’ve never had experience in a ship before.
I’ve said this before, but I had never felt so alone.
That was my past. What’s yours?
I don’t know why I’m writing this useless journal entry. I guess it’s so that I never forget my life and what happened in it, so that I can relive those memories. I honestly don’t know. Why does anybody keep a journal?
I’ve never said anything about me before. My name is Gregory Piranos, Lonestar rank in the Jakartan army. That’s pretty high. I am 15 years old now. I was 12 when I left my home planet. My dad died before I was born in a space explosion. You know, the Trinity incident? My mom’s probably in Sosen still, worrying about me every moment. I… aw, just forget it.
At arrival on Jurguron, which took about five weeks, I was welcomed and treated to my wounds and injuries I sustained while poorly steering the ship. I made new friends. I became a soldier for the rebels. I ate. I slept. I fought without dying. And now, I am a distinguished member of the Star Club, given to people who have a military rank of at least Lonestar.
But I didn’t want to stay here. Jurguron is a parasitic, poisonous planet nonetheless, and its climate is unbearable sometimes. So now, I am at the southern tip of Jurguron, waiting to fight in the planet Sosen. My home planet. What will I do when I get there, I don’t know. But I know one thing that’s absolutely sure- when I get there, I will have no regrets.

garza
September 10th, 2010, 07:23 PM
I notice you are getting hits without comments. This may be because of people like me who come expecting a story about the real Jakarta. In my younger days Jakarta was my second favourite hellhole, second only to Bangkok.

Good luck with your story.

joonho1
September 10th, 2010, 07:29 PM
@Garza-

Yeah, I found out that just two days ago that Jakarta's the capital of Indonesia or something. Can't change anything now though- everything's outlined already. I don't want to touch or mess up anything. Idk. Thanks, though!

ArcThomas
September 10th, 2010, 08:46 PM
I read half your prologue.. here's my bit.
hhhh Your a rather amateur writer. No? The details are sad, poorly written.
Though you've filled the pallet with everything we need. Good job.
hhhhI suggest you write the prologue in dialog. [ " " ] Thus you can reduce the necessity writer's skill. "A man can talk how he wants to - But a artist must master his stroke: or the mindset.. one of the two.."

I liek the theme. But I hope you have the gusto to put together such a thick piece of fiction.
I'll consider reading The Volume 1 Journal after I see that your an active member.

joonho1
September 11th, 2010, 02:45 PM
@ArcThomas-

Yes, I'm a rather amatuer writer, anyone who reads my stories or essays know that... :(
I'm one of those writers who need to add more details and stop rushing a story. I don't see how I may write the articles with dialouge, but I'll try.
I don't know how far I will go with this. It may not be a 'series'- that's an enormous task that I may never do. But I know that I will finish this one book.

And I will be an active user... you'll see me around :D

joonho1
September 11th, 2010, 08:05 PM
Here's some notes from the coordinator, which you can just skip, and entry two, which is a preview of Greg's siege on Sosen. I decided not to touch anything, in case anyone else wants to give constructive critisism or insight. But edits and everything are all done on the main website I listed in the first post. Here goes!

Notes From The Coordinator


Yes, it’s the person who wrote the introduction again. While going through the contents of a rather long entry (regular entries are averaged to be two paragraphs), you may have come to a few unfamiliar words and key places to follow. I have listed here all of the inner planets and their characteristics, and a few uncommon things that you may have not picked up by now. Also, the incident mentioned in Gregory’s Entry One is the Trinity incident, where a collision with an unidentified object caused the craft to explode, leaving no survivors.
Ceronius- Ceronius is a very small, city-like planet. It is the exact center of the Inner circle. It has a moderate climate and an abundance of resources and materials. To invade this planet would be like trying to knock down a brick wall with only your pinky, at least in Jakarta’s current strength.
Yanille- Jakarta only leaves this vulnerable, poor planet alone because it is so close to Ceronius. This moderate-sized planet is a curiosity. Exactly one half of the planet is desert, and one half is all water! Because of this, few people live here and only at the coastline (also called the Meridian).
Alcaranz- A gray, gloomy planet. Caught rebels or criminals are usually kept in secret chambers located throughout the island. Other than that, it’s a pretty much dead planet.
Sosen- A blue-green planet with acidic climates. Acid rain is very common here. However, it is possible to live here and it is inhabited with around 900 million people.
Nox- Another small planet. This planet is unusual because an unusual cloud-like substance covers much of the planet’s surface. The inhabitants call this ‘nightshade’. In the alien tongue, Nox means Nightgarde, so this may be the origin of why they call it so.
Alpha-Magorran- A huge and dense planet with high fortresses, advanced weaponry, and the main planet on which the Empire runs in. Invading AM (the abbreviation of Alpha-Magorran) is even harder than invading Ceronius.
Brillos- A rocky, desert wasteland. The only thing that ‘lives’ here are the skeletons of once-living life forms that got swept away or died by sandstorms, harsh temperatures, and fatigue.
Cinturon- A planet wholly based on electricity. The whole planet is a connection of electricity, technology, and life. Everything buzzes in this planet city! It is usually called ‘the baby Technaritan’.
Technaritan- Anyone lucky enough to be born or visit Technaritan would witness a rare sight. It is much like Cinturon, but much more advanced. The ancient lords say that the planet name Technaritan originated from the word technology. Its beauty and grandeur are fake, though. It is also the most strict planet.
Palladius- Palladius is another dead planet. It was destroyed by an atomic meteor invasion. There were no survivors. Some of the meteors also skimmed Technaritan, but it survived. There is a lot of radiation in and out of the planet.
Xavius- A frigid ice planet. It is made up of 13 ice islands. It is actually inhabited, but not by humans. All human beings who dare who travel here are usually frozen permanently by the sub-300 temperatures.
Helinarg- Helinarg is a great, gaseous inferno-like planet. It is impossible to live in it. Ancient manuscripts described a planet like this called Sol. It might be livable by using Techaritanian flame suits, but astronomers doubt it.
Tudosten- A jungle planet. Every square foot of this planet is covered in dense forest. It is currently only inhabited by the life forms that live there, and select human recluses.
Laximos- Laximos is the cleanest and nicest planet in all of Gravitium and the Inner Circle. It is not too strict, and everything is clean and pleasant. It is the one planet that is beneficial to live in. The only way you could get in serious trouble in this planet is to break a Law of Laws. A Law of Laws is one of 8 most important laws in all of the Empire. This planet is unusual, however, because it is covered in 100% water. Inhabitants live either on the surface on mad-made islands, or underwater in breathable caves.
Kerovan- The main source of all mage resources. Kerovanian crystals are key for mage spells. The Orb is also named after Kerovan. Kerovan is a planet made up of 78% of crystals. The Orb of Kerovan is so perfectly imbued with the Kerovanian qualities that any spell is possible with the Orb. It is only partially effective in pieces, and you need the whole Orb to imbue planet-locating on it.

These are the 15 inner planets. There are many more things I would like to say, but I would like you to continue reading and sifting through these entries to understand your past… or future.
-The Coordinator


Entry Two. Year 11097, April 1st. Space near northern Sosen
I have changed my mind.
I wrote before that I had no regrets, but now I would. It just doesn’t seem right that I would attack my own home planet, even if it was my old planet.
My mission statement tells me to attack the bases in the region of Sosen. However, I’m going to do something different.
I’m going to find my mother.

ArcThomas
September 12th, 2010, 11:57 AM
Nox - liek the title. :P
Star Warz stole your premise..

"I guess they would do that partly because it’s so important to keep everything in order, but I think it’s mainly because they want to have complete power over us, and they want it to stay that way." <--- poor line [we know]. though the next gets quite better from a story teller view.
but sorry. I need someone else to give you the run through.


However your
notes from the coordinator could use a redo-over as well. lol
try telling us something about the planets first. And then give us the colour/size as a side note. Unless size is significant**
like this is the capital*/bad example. they all have capitals. This is a rebel faction. This is gobal territory. etc.. see what i mean?

joonho1
September 12th, 2010, 08:44 PM
Okey Dokey, but I don't feel like changing anything from the NFC... I made the NFCs so that you can skip it but still read the story without confusion.

I don't remember anything from Star Wars anymore, but I did watch them.

Nox resembles the word night. In the ancient tounge it means 'nightgarde'... yeah, I made that up, too.

I'll say it again- I'm leaving the original post up, but all edits are made on the website. I will try to change the story up a bit so it isn't boring, and follow your example though...

Thanks! :)