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writerdog
September 10th, 2010, 06:29 AM
Mary Ann walked from the bathroom into her bedroom, her shower done and a cursory applying of makeup. She had brushed her hair and was pleased with its style, though it might be time for a new one maybe a little shorter?

She stood at the foot of the bed then announced out loud ..... “I am a Lesbian!”

There she had said it; the outburst was a realization, recognition, and an affirmation!
Words that had been whirling in her head for years but never allowed to be expressed.

She had a date tonight, a real date with the call asking if she would like to go out.
Planned and thought about, before it was always the happenstance meeting at a club.

Encountering another woman, a conversation would start and it would begin.
The awkward dance around, looking for clues and interest.
Talking is a sign of interest, but women talk anyway.

But unlike when a man and a woman talk, a woman just suddenly talk to another woman does not mean she wants anything sexual. In fact quite the opposite, women talking to each other is safe.
A woman talking to a man is often taken by the man that she is expressing she want to strip him naked and throw him on the floor. The mating rituals, smile, talk and then go.

But talking to another woman is more like a sister -ship, they have an understand that a man could not.
Some of the same experiences that only another woman would have.
And women like to talk while few men truly do want to at least not in great detail.
So the simple fact a woman talked to another woman is not a sign of interest.
Besides Mary Ann in the back of her mind always wanted a level of deniability.
She was not there looking for another woman to have sex with, it just happens every so often!

Never wanting to be too forward on the chance she had misread a clue or interest in talking to her.
Fighting the awkward impulses, taking moving closer as a sign of interest but it may have been the woman was simply moving so someone else could pass.

She listened for those hints of interest, never sure exactly what the hint would be.
But all the time she kept telling herself that was not what she wanted.
But the reality was it always seemed more natural to her to be with another woman then a man.
****
Mary Ann noticed her reflection in the full length mirror hanging on the closet door.
She let the towel drop off her body and then turned slowly inspecting herself.
She stopped facing forward, finally pulling her shoulders backward.
But it was not having the desired effect so one hand raised and slightly lifted her right breast.

Then she let it fall back into it natural place frowning, thinking to herself “I am not getting old and saggy am I?”. Then she turned enough to see her butt, again she frowned as she wished she had a better looking butt. Vanity can effect anyone no matter their sexual preference, Mary Ann just hoped this woman would like what she was seeing.

She had never met Ruth, a friend of a friend had give Mary Ann’s number to Ruth.
At first she did not know what to think?

A strangle woman calling and engaging in light conversation till finally saying she would like to meet.
And the date was made, a formal thing and something that cause Mary Ann to recognize a truth she had denied mainly to herself.

She had similar calls from guys before.....
******
Mary Ann had been with a man; it often made her blush to think of the why.
But it was never attraction really, more like a scientific experiment.

The first time she both had sex with a boy and had a realization she was attracted to another woman.
Happened about the same time, first came the attraction to a woman.

Sixteen and in high school gym class, she had seen other girls naked before.
Since coming to High school out of Middle school the every other day practice of gym class had became routine. Go to the locker room, everyone would strip down from street clothes to put on their gym clothes.
Go to the gym floor, Do whatever game or exercise then back to the locker room and shower and put back on street clothes.

Before the only real interest she had about another girl naked had been the difference in development.
Their boob size, some large and other seemed to have not grown any.
Boobs size more then a first period was the measure of becoming a woman.

It was the most outward sign of the change and seem to get a girl better treatment.
Boys no long were as mean, but the attention Mary Ann got from boys once her breasts developed.
Was uncomfortable to her, she stopped being a human being to them?.

They stopped looking into her face and eyes when they spoke to her.
They seem to be speaking to the mounds on her chest, there was nothing to be flattered about or make her feel they care for who she was.

There were also those times when the “bumps” would happen, elbows and sometimes hands would come in contact with her boobs. Developing breasts are tender at times and the slightest contact seem to be intensify pain.

An elbow to the arm can hurt but did not seem to last long.
But to the boobs the pain could last for minutes and actually throb.
It was an awkward moment; the natural response was to grasp them which done in public brought laughter and accusation. “Hey look.... Mary Ann is playing with her boobies!”.

The hands were a different matter; the quick grabbing was hard to believe it was an accident!
Especially when it was not an open hand contact that seems to have just been a swinging arm.
There was a real sense of intent, a violation of person.

But the offender would be out of reach by the time the impulse to react came.
“Boys are such pigs!” Was a common phrase among the girls of middle school and now high school.

The notice she had given to other girl’s naked form before was at time envy. A girl’s breasts having more shape and contour. A firm buttock with roundness and size or at least that was what she felt made her notice.

Then the fateful day came; Peggy Hilton had gone in to shower.
Mary Ann had hardly noticed her passing behind her, she was just one of many girls in the locker room dressing or undressing.

Mary’s locker was almost directly in front of the shower room.
As she sat on the hard wooden bench, Mary Ann heard a sudden squeal from the shower room.
A girl squealing was annoying to her so she looked to the shower room to see what was happening.

Peggy was at the first shower head, she rubbed a bar of soap over her thighs and the remains of soup bubbles hung over her breasts. Mary Ann was transfixed, she sat there staring then after what seemed hours though it could not have been more then thirty seconds. Mary Ann came back to reality, she was setting there staring at a naked girl! And there was an odd hunger deep inside her that suddenly made her feel very uncomfortable.

“OH MY GOD!”, she said to herself under her breath then looked about nervously. Hoping no one had noticed her staring at Peggy showering. What would they think and what would be said?

“MARRY ANN IS A FAG!”, but she was not! Was she?
Why did she have this desire at seeing Peggy showering? The mixed feeling and questions were flooding her mind. And the fear level was heightened with the confusion she was feeling.

She was not suppose to be attracted to a girl, it was boys who she was suppose to want to touch them and experience them. But suddenly she was questioning and noticing things.

No boy had even inspired her to stare with desire and that hunger deep within?
Mary Ann could not remember it ever happening with a boy.
That fact had never bothered her before she just thought it would happen whenever it would happen.
The right boy would come along and nature would occur and she felt no need to hurry it.
As thinking of boys did not cause her to think in that manner.
But now that alarmed her!

Could it be that she was just not attracted to boys?
“OH MY GOD AM I A FRUIT, FAG, A LES-BO AND A FREAK OF NATURE!”

Her mind was swirling and overloading with questions of confusion and actual fear!
She fought back tears and thought what would they think if they saw her crying.
But that is exactly what she felt like doing, now full of hurt and confusion.

It was the bell ringing and someone saying “Mary Ann are you going to get dressed?”.
That shook her out of the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts.

It was then that she realized she was still setting on the bench in her bra and panties.
Then she noticed something that causes her to panic; there was a wet spot on her panties at the crouch!
Quickly she put the rest of her street clothes on and rushed out for her next class.
*****
Mary Ann had not been out on a date yet, boys had asked but she had not been interested in spending time with them.

But Bobby had asked at this critical time for Mary Ann, still reeling at the incident concerning Peggy and the shower. Still filled with fears and confusion, this was a way to prove to herself that she was not a freak of nature in her mind.

She knew the movie was a sacrifice for Bobby, a chick flick not one of those action and adventure movies.
In a way that did impress her that this boy had been willing to endure this movie which held no entertainment for him. Gee a boy can be thoughtful!

When he asked again on Thursday she again agreed to another date.
They ended up going on four dates by the end of the month, he was always a gentleman and the only intimate contacts was holding hands and from the second date a kiss good night.

The fourth date would end differently, he started to slip his hand up under her shirt then pause to see if there was an objection?

Mary Ann was at the point of no return; she did feel like objecting but then was it because she was not attracted or because he is a he? She had to go through with it to see, how far depended on how she felt.

After the hand touched her breast led to her shirt coming off and some kissing.
It was not bad but the going farther was not because she was aroused.
This was a scientific experiment for her and she thought there was only one way to know.

Afterwards it was kind of miserable, both were virgins and neither actually knew much about what to do.
She simply lay there not moving and he kept fumbling often slipping out then stabbing at her.
***
Mary knew she was capable of sexual excitement, having discovered “self love” a couple of years ago.
Her hand giving her pleasure and once discovered it had been a regular occurrence.
Perhaps it was simply that Bobby just did not know how to hit the right spot.

Mary assumed that she was attracted to men, but then she thought back.
When pleasuring herself, what did she think of?
The first thought was of the porno movie she had seen.
***
Back when she was fourteen, she kept a friend company while the girl’s parents had gone out for the evening. Before long her friend show up with a videotape, she had found a porno tape her father had secreted away.

They sat watching the movie, which was the standard porno of the time.
A man and woman are having sex, nothing outrages or a really forbidden sexual performance.
Some kissing and fondling of different body parts then straightforward genital sex.

Mary did feel some excitement watching though she was not sure if it was because of what she was seeing.
Or because it was exciting doing something that was bad?

****
She would image the movie in her head during the moments of self-love.
But now with the confusion of late she wonder if it was the thought of the man in the movie or the woman?

It really had not matter to her at the time all that mattered was the outcome.
She asked to move her gym locker away from the shower room.
Mary Ann made a conscious effort to not look at Peggy afraid it would cause it to happen again.
The thoughts still terrified her and confused her as to why it had happened?

As for the experience with Bobby, she had found it inconclusive.
And soon put it away as just one more memory but she was not too interested in remembering it.

Mary Ann kept forcing herself to not think about what happened in the locker room.
Finally just putting it as a freak occurrence and she would continue to think of herself as a normal teen girl.
There continued to be moments when she seems to notice one girl over another.
At times even feeling an attraction to them but she rectified it with she was still trying to figure out who she is. And it could not be expected that she knew all the answers!
***
Mary Ann first time with a woman was like the rest of the times she would be.... Happenstance.
Senior year and a band trip, the girls shared a room, as did the boys in a different room.

Because there were more girls then boys, the girls were split up between two rooms with two twin beds and a few cots.

Mary shared a bed with a girl she did not know well; she had seen her passing in the hallway.
That was all she really knew of the girl, not even her name.

Most of the night passed with the constant talking of the girls to the early morning hours.
Finally the silence came and everyone settled in to sleep.
The girl’s name was Julie a name that Mary would come to remember thought not always with comfort.

It was all innocent enough at first, a movement that seemed more to be hunting for a comfortable spot then to make contact. Julie rolled over and spooned with MaryAnn her warmth was comforting and suddenly somewhat exciting.

It was about twenty minutes later when Mary herself rolled over. Upon opening her eyes they were met by Julie’s eyes. They lay there looking into each other’s eyes for some time Mary Ann found Julie’s eye warm and inviting. She seems to get lost in them, so much so that she had not noticed that Julie had gotten closer.

The kiss was happening before Mary Ann even realized it, but she did not draw back from it.
Julie after a few more kisses moved her hand over Mary’s body lingering here and there.

Almost as if in a dream, they had found each other’s bodies and then it was over.

Mary Ann thought about the night before all the next day.
Unlike with Bobby being with Julie somehow felt natural!
Mary’s mind argued against it, denied the feelings but Mary’s soul was repeating it just seemed right.

How could it be right?

Mary Ann was not queer, she could not be they are sick and unnatural!
At church they had said so and certainly it would be devastating to her parents.
It had to be just a freak occurrence!

Yes that was it, the surprise of the moment and it felt good so she got caught up in the moment!
She was not a Lesbian, she could not be, she was not suppose to be!

“Homosexuality is a sin, God intended that man and woman should be together!”.
The Preacher had said, Mary Ann while changing that Sunday paused while naked.
She looked to her mirror, she had breast for feeding a child and her body was built to be with a man and not with a woman.
The Preacher must be right, it was no accident that her body was the way it was so God did intend that she be with men instead of women!

Mary Ann needed to stop having those thoughts.

*********
She had graduated High School and things seem to be OK, Mary Ann found a job as a order taker at a Bible warehouse. Mary Ann like the job and for the most part her co-workers too.
She had a cubicle shielded from view and interruptions she could work and then go home.

She would on occasions accept the invitation of a co-worker to go to some club.
John was a nice guy and she did enjoy his company but not that way!
But the club troubled her, ever so often she caught herself looking to the dance floor.
Not because she particularly liked to dance, she enjoyed the movements and the bodies in motion.

John ever so often did ask her to dance with him, sometime she would.
She had concluded that men do not know how to dance, they often looked goofy while trying to.
Women seem to be better at dancing, she would for the most part be watching the women on the floor.
Then in her mind have to convince herself it was because they were good dancers not because they were attractive women.

But then the night came, she was watching a tall brunette dancing her hips moving with flow and grace.
Mary Ann became lost in the movements and the shape of the brunette.
Lost in the soft brown eyes and imaged how nice it would be to rest her hands on those hips.

John said something and it shook Mary Ann out of the dream.

It was then that she recognized a hunger she had felt before and then the sensation of her loins warm and moist.

“Hey you are suppose to be here with me not looking at the hunks on the dance floor!”.
John scolded her, having noticed her long away look at the people dancing.
Mary Ann was feeling a fear that she thought she was over.

“Lets go John!” which cause him to suddenly feel like he had done something wrong.
****
They caught a cab and when asked where they wanted to go?
Mary Ann said, “where do you live John?”.
He was puzzled but gave his address and Mary looked at the driver and said “There”.

She did not want to be alone, it would only give her time to think about how the Brunette had made her feel.
They walked into the apartment complex and up to John’s apartment.

He offered her a drink and she declined but said a glass of water sounded nice.
They sat on the couch talking about work and TV. shows they had both watched.
Not having anything else really in common, after an hour the small talk was wearing thin.

Mary Ann truly did not have anything else in mind when she suggested going to John’s.
He was older then her, twenty eight to her nineteen and she did not find him attractive.
But he was a man and she was suppose to be attracted to men was she not?

Suddenly the fear was overpowering and she felt the need to prove to herself that she was not what she feared she was.

John seem to sense her sudden interest and took the lead.

It was better then it had been with Bobby, John seemed to have a better idea where everything was and how to hit the right spots. But in the end Mary Ann was feeling more ashamed then satisfied.
She would have to see John at work now and she thought he might think that this was something she was interested in doing again.

In a odd sense she might, it was closer to what she had experienced with Julie.
He did know where to pay attention to but his body somehow felt totally different and alien.
She did not like the hair over his body and it tickled her chest and legs.

John and Mary Ann did go to the club a few more time and once more to his apartment.
But even he seem to know this was not to be a relationship so he quit asking and she was not upset about that. They remained friends though not with benefits as the saying goes.
*****
Mary Ann moved to another town for a different job and then she started going to some of the clubs in town. One night she happened on a club she had never been to before.
It was not all that different then others she had been to but there was something about it she sensed was different. The majority of the men were talking with other men and the women seem to stay with the women. There were some opposite sex couples there, they would be talking and laughing with the same sex couples. Later she would learn why this club was different, it was a Gay bar and thought to be fashionable to the in crowd to show how cool they were.



Straights wanting to show they were hip and willing to accept Homosexuality.
But in the end it was no different than those who are showing their are not racist by stating they had Black friends!

Although some real friendship do happen, you get where you can tell the difference and which is to take serious. Mary Ann believe that was the reason she kept coming back to this club she just like the people.
Sometimes she would accept a invitation back to someone’s apartment for an after hours party after the club closed at two A.M.

But the only ones who’s singular invitation she accepted were other women.
That could have been simply that Gay men never invited her.
Both sexes would be there and other then the heterosexual couples the only men that would be there were Gay.

Mary Ann did notice after awhile that when everyone else would leave there was at least one woman who would stay. But the thought that the two women were wanting to be alone did not occur to her till after a few times.

Finally after one of these after hour parties , the hostess did slip beside her and whisper
“You want to stay after everyone leaves?”.

Mary Ann without any real thought said “Sure”.

As the party broke up and slowly the rest of the guest were leaving.
Mary Ann started having an odd feeling, fighting the thought of why she was asked to stay.
She in her unconscious knew and she felt a growing urgency and anticipation.

But then she suddenly felt a streak of insult, this woman must think Mary Ann was a Lesbian!
“I should just leave myself!” Mary Ann thought to herself.

But she just stood in one of the corners, her mind wanting to leave but her body was not moving.
Finally the last guest was out the door and the hostess came over and stood exchanging eye contact.
Her eyes were warm and longing and Mary Ann welcomed the look wanting it and the resulting advances.

They would return to the hostess’s a few more time alone but only ever so often.
Again Mary Ann dismissed each encounter as being caught in the moment and she was not looking for it to happen. That she was not going back to her apartment solely to have sex with her.

But unlike before, there was no drive to prove to herself she was not a Lesbian.
No need to have sex with a man to show herself that she was straight.
It had only been embarrassing and unfulfilling experiences that in the end did not prove her one way or the other.

Mary Ann had came to think it was silly anyway, doing something she did not really want to do other then to try to prove something. And it was only to prove something to herself and it did not give anything but a thought to counter other thoughts.
*****
So the rest of that year went, not thinking about it and only on occasions did Mary fulfill any desires and
only on the spur of the moment.

Now standing in her bedroom she realized she had been in denial of who she really is.
Outer forces like her parents and religion had caused her to deny what she felt and in the end deny herself.

The Backward OX
September 10th, 2010, 08:02 AM
Watch the 'Views' count on this thread go through the roof.:twisted:

bpastermack
September 10th, 2010, 05:13 PM
A little too predictable and typical in this day and age. When I saw the title, I already knew the whole story. You have to find a way to tell the story in a different way than what has been told before, but that's just one opinion.

ronnycarson
September 13th, 2010, 03:47 PM
I have an extremely short attention span, but that ceased to exist while reading your story. It was easy to sympathize with the character, despite the fact I'm a male. But, I've lived under the same roof with women and have had the opportunity to witness the changes they go through and the emotions that result from them. Like bpastermack mentioned, the title does give away too much. That's the main thing I'd change. Any predictability that the story has can be eliminated by simply creating a unique angle to view the topic.

writerdog
September 30th, 2010, 12:35 AM
I guess it would depend on how much exposure you have had to the issue. It is true there are many stories out there that address the issue. But seldom do they see the light of a broad based audience.

You are either wanting to know what it is like to be something you are not or to see if anyone else feels that way? The whole subject of sexuality is one that often is not addressed in a way to explore the how's and whys.

In a sense this story was an attempt to discover what it is like to be a woman and a Lesbian since I am neither. Shoot just being a man and trying to understand what it is like to be a woman is worth a multi series novel! We can be that different and have such totally different experiences and points of views on things.

Thank you for your opinion.

YiF97
August 16th, 2012, 03:02 PM
You have a good way of describing the moment, but what you talk about is based on observation, and you do not focus on feelings enough. Also the entire story was too obvious and all that so yeah: just an honest opinion. =)

Seckroth24
September 28th, 2012, 09:25 PM
I enjoyed the way this story was written, not necessarily the story itself. It is a topic that has been done many times and I feel like this fit the mold of so many before it. It is also a difficult story to tell unless you have either experienced it yourself or have someone who has close by for reference.