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bpastermack
September 9th, 2010, 09:09 PM
I'm trying to get the Hook to my story and having trouble deciding what is better. I need some readers input on these...

1. There's a million ways to die, but only one will happen to me. This was definitely not the way I expected it to happen. The barrel of a gun being pressed against my head was usually just another day at the office. Today was different, not because of what was about to happen, but rather who was going to make it happen.

Here I am, on my knees, blood dripping from every limb. My ears are still ringing from the blast, my heart still beating out of my chest. One last prayer to God, one final plea for forgiveness. As the trigger is being pulled, my entire day flashed before my eyes.

2. Death was never far away in my line of work, but this was definitely not the way I expected it to happen... (Same as the rest of 1)

3. In my line of work death was always a half step away, but this was definitely not the way I expected it to happen... (Same as the rest of 1)

4. Death is the destiny of all mankind, myself certain included. I just happened to have stared it down more times than most. Today, I find myself staring down the barrel of a gun. Just another day at the office in my line of work. Today was different, not because... (Same as the rest of 1)

5. If you had told me I was going to die today, this would have been the last way I could have expected it to happen... (Same as the rest of 1)


Thoughts?? I have written almost 70% of the book, but I really want to get the hook right and send it to publishers soon. Which do you like best, second best? Why? Any other suggestions?

My Will
September 10th, 2010, 05:44 AM
I like the first one the best

William_Goffspeare
September 10th, 2010, 06:02 AM
I like the first one the best too. It seems snappy and flows naturally. Some of the other ones feel kind of contrived to me.

EDIT: Although looking at it again, you might not want to make it future tense, since the next paragraph seems to imply that the narrator already DID die.

bpastermack
September 10th, 2010, 12:09 PM
I like the first one the best too. It seems snappy and flows naturally. Some of the other ones feel kind of contrived to me.

EDIT: Although looking at it again, you might not want to make it future tense, since the next paragraph seems to imply that the narrator already DID die.

I'm horrible at tenses. It's one of my big weaknesses, however, he doesn't die. The point in the story this takes place at is about 8 chapters in. After the first 2 paragraphs it flashes back to the beginning of the day. The day plays out and by the end of it he attempts to shoot himself in the head, so the person on the other end of the gun is himself. When he pulls the trigger he heres the click and realizes he already used his last bullet. Then he passes out and the story picks up 2 years later.

Kordain
September 10th, 2010, 01:11 PM
i like number two the best.

ArcThomas
September 10th, 2010, 06:04 PM
A mix between 1 and 4.
definite no to 2

bpastermack
September 10th, 2010, 07:32 PM
How about this?

If someone had told me how I was going to die today, I probably would have believed the part about dying, but I'd have thought he was off his rocker when he told me how. Death is the destiny of all mankind, myself certainly included. I just happened to have stared it down more times than most. Today, I find myself staring down the barrel of a gun. Just another day at the office in my line of work. Today was different, not because of what was about to happen, but rather who was going to make it happen.

Here I am, on my knees, blood dripping from every limb. My ears still ringing from the blast, my heart still beating out of my chest. One last prayer to God, one final plea for forgiveness. As the trigger is being pulled, my entire day flashed before my eyes.