View Full Version : Undivided Attention

September 5th, 2010, 11:03 PM
Not a professional writer - so please don't jump on me. I just wrote this for fun as the beginning of a book. I'm still open to any criticism/comments, but please keep it respectful.

You wanna hear something funny?
Kelly Anderson took a dainty bite out of a deformed potato chip. Her thick bangs were tossled over the side of her left eye, and a plump pimple was in the making near the bottom of her chin.
Only if its really funny. Angela Gorasco murmured as she gripped the cap of her routine Green Tea Snapple bottle. She held the bottle firmly as she twisted at the plastic blue cap. When it didnt open, she promptly handed it over to Jordan Taylor.
Kelly flashed a pasty grin followed by a nice turn up of her middle finger.
I wanna hear. Jordan said in a mock baby whining voice, while he popped off the Snapple cap and lifted the bottle to his mouth.
Angelas eyes widened in horror. She lunged across the table and swiped at the drink in Jordans hands.
Do you guys know Mr. Kwan? Kelly asked lowering her voice and narrowing her eyes at the members of the table.
Jordan jerked his body away from Angela and splatters of tea stained his navy blue sweat shorts.
That creepy Chinese guy with the scar under his eye? Jordan asked, as Angela let out an awkward whimper.
Goddamnit, Jordan! she shrieked.
Not all Asians are from China, retard. Matt Woodard spouted off matter-of-factly as he lifted up his unopened coke can and offered it to Angela.
No, thank you. Angela muttered bitterly, combing her fingers through her ash blonde hair and returning to her chair.
Heyhey. Jordan raised the Snapple bottle in Matts direction. My brother has down syndromeI take offense to that word.
Yeahes Korean. Kellys voice trailed off as she placed another potato chip into her mouth.
What, you only drink diet sodas? Matt asked, his face drooping with rejection.
You have a brother, Jordan? Taylor Pickler chimed in as she tilted her head, letting her tight curls fall to the side of her face.
NoI prefer Pepsi. Angela said, leaning down to pull her Burberry purse off the ground. She placed it in her lap and pulled out a piece of tissue from a pink plastic packaging.
No. Jordan replied, before breaking into a guttural laugh.
Angela grabbed a plastic fork out of her lunch box. She took the tissue and rubbed it lightly along the sides of the fork.
Anyways. Kelly said bringing down her fist so that it made a light thud on the table. He smokes weed.
Classic. Jordan said taking another swig of tea from the bottle.
What a shining example for us, students, huh? Taylor murmured as she uncovered the foil top of her yogurt.
Gross. Angela said, churning her lips in disgust. Who really smokes weed anymore?
For some odd reason the table fell silentand I felt it was my cue to speak.
Everybody smokes weed.where have you been? I twitched my lips into a smile, as every single head at the table rose from its original position to turn in my direction.

September 6th, 2010, 01:54 AM
angelic4534533 - You have achieved just the right level of confusion that lets us appreciate the crossfire of teen conversation without confusing us old folks to the point of not understanding what's going on. This is real-people talk. This is conversation, properly smoothed, edited, and turned into dialogue.

I want to take note of 'tossled'.

'Kelly Anderson took a dainty bite out of a deformed potato chip. Her thick bangs were tossled over the side of her left eye, and a plump pimple was in the making near the bottom of her chin.'

There will be those who will jump up and shout that there's no such word as tossled. Yes, there is such a word.

As for the rest of that sentence, the plump pimple and the potato chip give me the idea that Kelly is as plump as her pimple.

Keep going. Now that the narrator has spilled the beans, what happens?

You could have the whole gang sing 'one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line' as Mr. Kwan walks in.

September 7th, 2010, 08:52 PM
aw, gee - thanx!

September 7th, 2010, 09:08 PM
You are welcome. Just keep writing.

Olly Buckle
September 7th, 2010, 09:08 PM
Gaza is right about "Just the right level of confusion", nicely done. I have not come across 'sweat shorts' before, maybe my ignorance, maybe you meant 'sweat shirt and shorts'.

My Will
September 7th, 2010, 11:13 PM
I really like this piece. The characters are familiar to the reader straight away. It hooked me in. I love the description "he drooped with rejection"

September 7th, 2010, 11:57 PM
Is the deformation of the potato chip significant?

There seems to be a lot thats not really related to the point of the peice, but maybe thats intentional.