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September 4th, 2010, 01:06 PM
I'm getting quite fed up of writing beginnings for this. It has a prologue that I spent a while working out and now this is taking me ages. It's only the first part and certainly not the whole scene but enjoy. Let me know what you think.
-Warning: One case of explicit content-


Jamie Dawson stood before a pair of twelve foot high ornate black gates. The mansion that owned them was beyond, tearing a starless hole in the clear night sky. Its imposing figure was surrounded by fourteen foot high walls. Turreted like a castle it sat on a rise that put it above the rest of the town of Winsby. It was apparently haunted but Jamie had been there enough times to know otherwise. Still, to Jamie this night felt unusually cold; eerie beneath the might of a full moon.

Beside him Bam had grasped the gate, ready to climb up and over it. He was wearing his usual leather jacket and tight jeans, a chequered rucksack on his back. His mess of brown hair was highlighted by the feint light of the moon and Jamie knew that his dark eyes would be shining and calm. His cool attitude made him popular and Jamie often felt as if he was just a follower. He reached out and took hold of the sleeve of his older brother’s jacket. Bam looked down to him, the look on his face said ‘You’ve got to be kidding me’ and knowing that he could give no real explanation for his actions Jamie let go. Bam shook his dark head then began to climb, the gate shuddered and gave out a few groaning protests as Bam threw his leg over the top then turned and dropped down to the other side. His landing was clumsy.

“What are you waiting for?” he always seemed to snarl when he talked to Jamie. “Don’t wimp out again.” The younger boy, barely fourteen, narrowed his gaze and grasped the gate, pulling himself up. He climbed slower than Bam had; in fact it took him a full three minutes to get up and over the gate. It wasn’t that he was bad at climbing, or scared of the height, he just wasn’t quite as strong as his older brother.

When he dropped down Bam looked to him, then reached out and ruffled his longish mousy brown hair. “That was quicker than last time kid.” It was a rare compliment. Inside Jamie felt his heart swell, he wanted to grin and ask if he really thought so, but knew that he’d just get a punch for that kind of reaction. Instead he shoved his brother’s hand away.

“Whatever, let’s just hurry the fuck up yeah?”

Bam shoved Jamie back, but wore a thin smile of approval that flickered away as quickly as it had come. He took the lead, walking swiftly away from Jamie, leaving the boy to catch up. Jamie hurried to fall into step beside his brother, the icy chill had returned to the air and he wanted to stay close. He pulled his own leather jacket around himself and zipped it up. The noise of the zip cut through the surrounding silence, holding them in as any light they had had fell away with a stray cloud. To Jamie the ever growing mansion felt ominous. He looked at each of the mansions, often broken, windows. Not really knowing what he expected to find there. Each time he focused on one ice would fall into his stomach, and then melt away when nothing was there. He had never been quite so nervous before when approaching the mansion.

He moved closer to Bam when he shifted his gaze to the huge front doors. They were painted with peeling black paint; a knocker shaped like a gargoyle set high on one. The other was slightly ajar. For a moment Jamie could see a pale white hand around the door, pulling it open from the inside. He cried out and grabbed for Bam. “Did you see that!? Bam?”

“Shut up.” Bam swiped at his brother, who dodged nimbly out of the way. Yet his voice sounded slightly shaken, perhaps he too had seen it. “We’ve never used the front door have we?” he asked almost cautiously.

Jamie, now standing a few feet away, shook his head.

Olly Buckle
September 4th, 2010, 02:11 PM
One nit, faint light, feint is a move, like a boxer makes a feint to the left.

September 5th, 2010, 05:02 AM
I noticed a few minor grammar errors. For instance,
“What are you waiting for?” he always seemed to snarl when he talked to Jamie. “Don’t wimp out again.”
Id rewrite it like this:

“What are you waiting for?”

Bam always seemed to snarl when talking to Jamie. “Don’t wimp out again.”

I really liked this portion: The younger boy, barely fourteen...shoved his brother’s hand away. (I used ... because I didnt want to copy and paste the entire segment)

I am interested to know why the boys keep coming to the house. Id like to see a little more detail and clarity on the relationship between the two boys, so there can be development during the course of the story. Please post more as you write it!

September 5th, 2010, 02:29 PM
Thanks for the comments. And help =]

Asrial: The reason for the boys going there is revealed by the end of the scene. I might post up the rest of it I only really post bits when I'm not sure if they work as a piece so I don't know.

My Will
September 8th, 2010, 07:06 PM
I really like the relationship you have set up between the brothers. It's very natural and realistic. The part of the piece where Bam gives his younger brother a rare compliment is particularly easy to visualize. I love how you describe how the younger brother feels about it, and his contrasing response. Interested to read more!

September 8th, 2010, 08:43 PM
Bam shrugged off his bag and unzipped it; he rummaged inside and fumbled out a torch. He held it out in front of him and turned it on. A face appeared in the beam, red eyes blazing. Both boys cried out and stumbled back. Jamie actually fell over. Bam dropped the torch and for a moment everything was black and silent, with the echoes of their cries ringing in their ears.

Jamie whimpered as he sat on the cold grass, quite unable to make his legs work as he stared into the thick darkness before them. The mansions features had merged into a black oblivion. It pulled Jamie in, his fear blinding him. Then suddenly hands clamped down onto his shoulders, and he screamed.

His scream seemed to light the world, and for a moment the boy thought himself dead. He was hauled to his feet and as his eyes adjusted to his surroundings he realised that the light had come from newly installed flood lights, discreetly hidden about the mansion.

It was then that Jamie realised that it was Bam holding him, pulling him to his feet. “Get a grip.” He stumbled as Bam hit the back of his head with the heel of his hand. He ended up slightly hunched, at the bottom of the steps that lead up to the open porch. Shaking Jamie straightened with his eyes on the mansion as the front doors swung inward. Two people stepped from the darkness and into the light.

The first was a startling man, standing at just over six foot his white hair falling to his shoulders. The light breeze picked up separate strands so that it rippled in the moonlight. His eyes were a perfect hue of glacier blue, his skin as pale as the surface of the distant moon. Jamie looked up at him, full of awe and fear.

He felt the hands on his shoulders again. This time he did not freak out, because he knew they were Bam’s. The older boy tugged his younger brother back a few steps, then moved in front of him. Protecting him. Jamie pressed himself against Bam’s back and peered around him. Fearful.

Beside the man stood a girl who was, perhaps, more intimidating. She had waist length ink black hair. Her skin seemed to be made of porcelain. Her eyes were dark, like brown pools that Jamie felt himself being drawn to. She appeared just seventeen. The most intimidating thing about her was that gentle smile, promising more. The man took the girls hand.

“At least we now know who this belongs to.” The young man smiled, producing a small bag of moss green marijuana from the pocket of his blazer. Jamie blinked, quite unable to believe that he had not noticed what the two were wearing. The man was in a fine black suit, without a tie, his feet bare and pale. The girl wore a black sleeveless mini dress with lace around the bottom. They had very plain clothes for such eccentric looking people.

“I…” Bam began but the man held up his hand to silence him.

“We understand how restrictive parents can be.” He began to move towards them, descending the steps slowly. “But I am afraid you will have to find somewhere else to hide this.” He held out the small bag. Bam rolled his broad shoulders and reached out, taking the bag gently. He passed it back to Jamie, who stuffed it into his pocket. The girl was still smiling disarmingly and Jamie was finding it hard to pay attention to anything else.