PDA

View Full Version : Skin Deep



lmc71775
September 2nd, 2010, 05:16 PM
He was my first. I remember how he looked, all broken as his body lay twisted in the blood soaked earth.

It was a Wednesday night and I had just gotten out of school. For weeks Id stare at him in class. He looked middle-aged with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Id love it when hed stand as Id watch his muscles stretchso strong and lean. He was of ethnic decent, with his skin a creamy coffee color, kissed by the sun. In a way I envied him. I envied the fact he was so healthy, alive.

I didnt even notice him walking behind me until he tapped me on the shoulder.
Hey, arent you in my English class? he said as I stopped and turned around.

Yeah, youre David, right?

Yeah, you got a good memory. I cant remember anybodys name in that class, or any other for that matter. And your name?

Its Sam.

His teeth were paper white and perfectly aligned as he spoke. My mind wandered, trying to picture him young with braces. I tried to focus on what he was saying but just I couldnt. His smell was intoxicating.

What was that? I asked after he stopped mumbling.

So can you?

I felt embarrassed not to know what he meant by that and just stood there looking into the amber in his eyes.

Can you tutor me? he repeated. I figured you must know your stuff since Mr. Johnson is always using your papers as examples.

Oh, yeah, right. I kinda hate it when he does that.

So would you mind?

No, not at all. We could start tomorrow if you like. Hows 9:30 sound?

In the morning? I cant I have work.

Oh, no. I meant 9:30 at night.

Sure, that would be great, thanks. Heres my number. He reached into his pocket for a piece of scratch paper and gestured for me to give him a pen.
I instantly started rummaging through my book-bag and found one.

Cool thanks, I said to him after he handed me the paper.

Okay then, talk to you tomorrow.

**
I remember feeling nervous and excited at the same time. It was the most I ever felt in a long time.

We met at his place. After I walked up, I buzzed the door-bell and saw him coming to the door. He must have just taken a shower as he hair was still wet.

You made it, he said, opening the door before I entered inside.

Yeah, I walked here. Its only 20 minutes from my house. I took a short-cut through the woods.

Walked? In that pitch-blackness?

It gets pretty dark, but I know my way around.

I took a seat on the couch, unzipped my book-bag and started shuffling my notes. I could smell the home-cooked meal of some kind of meat wafting in the kitchen. Although it may have smelled good to any other normal person, to me it made me want to throw up. But I kept the queasy feeling injust to be near him.

I made some dinner, would you like me to make you a plate? he asked, standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

Umm no, thanks anyway though, I said after clearing my throat.

He took a seat next to me and got out his text book. I could feel his warmth touch against my body. The sensation brought chills to me.

We sat there together studying. I showed him how to better construct a sentence as he took notes. I wanted so badly to put my lips to his skin. I was fascinated by the deep dark layers and how the light of day sunk into his pores. I couldnt take it anymore, I had that feeling again and got scared.

I gotta go, Im sorry.

Ohwait! Let me at least walk you home.

**
We went along the forest trail, walking under the September moon. The dead leaves crunched with every step we took. Only the light from above filtered through the trees. I could feel myself changing. Heat ran through my veins. My eyes adjusted in the darkness. I could see even better now. My mind was dead set on the target, I would do it here and now.

As we walked, I slowed down behind him.

Still with me? he called out as we got farther apart. I could tell it was hard for him to see. My senses enhanced. I could feel my body rise.

Samantha, are you there?

It was completely dark now as he stood in search of me.

I was floating above him and with one swift move, I slashed his throat with my clawed hands. Within seconds he was down, clinging to his neck. I watched his body twist and contort until he no longer moved.
I remember how the light in his eyes dimmed before he diedhow his skin no longer glowed of sand colors. Everything seemed to shut off like a switch inside him.

**

Twenty years had passed since my first victim of many. I still remember how David looked before I took the light from inside him. I still cant seem to part with him. Even though the smell now is of decay as his flesh torn body rots on my bed, I lay next to him every night. I couldnt resist sleeping inside his skin. The others were just not the same. It was the only way I could catch some sun.

funnygirl
September 3rd, 2010, 01:43 AM
wow - I really loved this, you have an amazing talent. The first line hooked me straight away, one of the best first sentences
I've read on these forums.

lmc71775
September 3rd, 2010, 11:39 AM
Thanks Funnygirl. This was a rough draft so I know there are some errors in here. I will have to fix that. I appreciate the sweet comments.

Lamperoux
September 3rd, 2010, 05:49 PM
wow i was creeped out horribly and hooed at the same time.

robotosaurus
September 4th, 2010, 05:19 AM
I liked the overall story, but the dialogue felt kinda flat, imo.

Asrialnorton
September 5th, 2010, 04:34 AM
I thought it was a bit too predictable. Someone mentioned that they liked the first sentence, but I feel that it gives too much away too soon and dissuades interest in the story. I would rewrite it to something more alluring and mysterious, perhaps alluding to your surprise closer of her sleeping in his skin. Something that dosnt immediately inform the reader shes going to kill him. The content flows nicely and is easy and enjoyable to read. I liked that she sleeps in his skin, its really different, but the kill scene itself is anti climactic. Perhaps I feel this way because I had known from the first sentence he was going to die. Perhaps if you made it seem more like she was interested in him as a lover right until the end it would be less flat.