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robotosaurus
September 2nd, 2010, 07:12 AM
So hey there. I wrote a story etc.
I'm looking to expand it but I would like some opinions before I get back to it. Let me know what you think!



This time he was going to do it. He wasn’t going to chicken out. He held the wrinkled envelope in his sweaty palm, the sound of his thumping heart reverberating in the paper. Simon had written the letter three weeks ago, but didn’t have the courage to deliver it until now. He probably should just tell Christina face-to-face, but he was afraid of the rejection he thought would come. She was the most beautiful in class and Simon was… well, Simon.

It was now or never. School ended in three days, and they would all be going to different high schools. These where probably the last few days he would spend around Christina, unless he did something about it. He made an excuse to his friends to go back into the classroom so he could put the letter in her desk. If all went well he would have his answer tomorrow. Either way, at least he would know.

He made his way over to her desk, one isle over and three rows ahead of his. He stood in front of it for a minute or so. The smooth wood and dented metal that comprised the desk gave no indication of who sat there every weekday. Christina Miller, the object of his affection. Simon reached for the desk and grasped the top in his trembling hand. Then he heard a noise outside that made his skin crawl.

A long, slow scraping noise coming from down the hallway. The sound of nails on a chalkboard, echoing in his head.

scraaaaaape

The noise drew closer slowly.

scraaaaaaaaaaape

Simon stood transfixed, listening to the noise. He couldn’t help but wonder what made the noise. He wished he hadn’t.

The noise drew to a sudden stop outside the door leading into his classroom. For a moment, silence.

‘What the fuck is that? Who’s making that noise? Shit, if I’m caught like this…’ Simon looked around, nowhere to hide.

The doorknob rattled. Whoever was outside wanted in. Simon did the only thing he could think of and hid under his desk.

The door finally crashed open, and the visitor slowly walked in. Simon couldn’t see much from his vantage point. Bare, dirty feet. Pale, skinny legs, covered in mud and dirt. But the smell… the smell of the wild. The suggestion of a hunt. The scent of the forest, the blood of a fresh kill. The scent filled Simon’s nose and overpowered his brain. He saw images of beasts chasing down their prey, toying with them before they swooped in for the kill. He saw beasts tearing at flesh, devouring animals whole.

Simon looked up to see the beast walk across the room towards Christina’s desk. It left a trail of muddy footprints in its wake. No, not mud, Simon realized. Blood. ‘Fuck’ he thought. ‘I’m going to die here.’ Terror gripped Simon as he watched the beast stop at Christina’s desk.

sniff

sniff

The beast was sniffing the air around her desk, searching for something. Hunting. It reached down to the desk and placed its hands on the smooth surface. Maybe they where claws. Simon couldn’t tell if it had a human shape or not any more, the lines where blurring, distorting, revealing hidden shapes. It gripped the desk and lifted it high into the air, where Simon couldn’t see it. The contents spilled onto the floor.

The beast growled and hurled the desk into the chalkboard, shattering the old wood of the desk and the chalkboard’s dirty green surface. The beast stood there, sniffing the air, still searching.

sniff

sniff

Simon knew there was nothing he could do. The beast was hunting him and it was going to catch him. He knew he could never outrun this creature. It would find him and have its feast.

Simon’s phone vibrated in his pocket. The motion made Simon jump and bang his head on the bottom of his desk. The scrambled into his pockets, trying to find the phone. He finally found it and silenced the call. He looked up to see the beast’s legs, only a few inched from his face. It was standing right over him. The scent of blood and the wild was overwhelming. He looked up to see the beast’s claws curling around the underside of his desk. ‘I’m going to die. Right now... I’m gonna…’

The door into the classroom swung open.

“Heeeey, Simon. Where are you?” The voice of Jake, Simon’s best friend since Elementary school.

Simon scrambled out from under his desk, trying desperately to stand on shaking legs that wouldn’t hold him.

“Jake! Run! Run away!”

“Why?”

The simple question stopped Simon cold. ‘Why? What does he mean why?’ Simon looked around the classroom. There was no beast. Christina’s desk was right where it was. There was no blood on the floor.

“But… It was… right there was…”

Jake picked Simon up from the floor. “You alright dude? What where you doing down there?”

Simon couldn’t believe that he was still alive. Was it really there? Was it in his head only? He couldn’t come to terms with anything that had happened in the last few minutes.

“You said you where gonna get your notebook like, fifteen minutes ago. What happened?” It seemed like hours to Simon. He had to get out of there. He had to get home. He could make sense of this later.

“Let’s just go.” Simon hurried to the door. “I can tell you later, okay?”

Simon opened the door a crack and hit something. He looked into a yellow, bloodshot eye staring at him through the crack. It was the last thing he ever saw.

InSickHealth
September 2nd, 2010, 09:48 AM
First off, welcome to the forums. Feel free to introduce yourself at the "introduce yourself" thread.

As a word of advice: Copy/pasting will cause your indents to vanish. It will help next time if you just separate your paragraphs with an extra space.

Really enjoyed reading this one. I was expecting it to be about delivering the letter, and the beast took me by surprise. I liked how you described the beast without actually seeing him. I wasn't a very big fan of the "sniff sniff", however. Aside from that, the ending was the only thing that kind of confused me.

Simon opened the door a crack and hit something. He looked into a yellow, bloodshot eye staring at him through the crack.

That was a little tough. Also, did the bloody footprints disappear?
Aside from those couple things, it was a fun read. I definitely enjoyed it. Very well written. Thanks!

robotosaurus
September 4th, 2010, 05:21 AM
Thanks for the compliments.
I kinda rushed the end a little bit. He was supposed to open the door to find the beast standing there, but I wasn't sure how to phrase it.

ZOMG-SarahC
September 4th, 2010, 08:05 AM
I was expecting a middle-school crush kind of tale but was obviously taken by surprise (in a good way)..Is the demon something within the main character? I'd love to see a continuation..Good job :D.

*Sarah C.