My Frickin’ Letter from the Afterlife

[Luke Cm]

My first attempt at a humorous short story. Be honest, because it's probably pretty bad.

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There’s something I have to tell you. It may be the last thing I tell anyone, but I need to let it out. The feeling fills my body, and I don’t know if I’m going to cry tears, or cry out. But no matter how painful this is, it must be said.

I really hate you.

I mean, do you know how much I hate you? I only have one letter to send from hea-, I’m sorry the afterlife. See the er… dude in charge here won’t let me say where I am, or anything like that. Who does he think he is, God? Oh wait…

Anyway, I was saying how much I hate you. How even in death, I want to kill you. Whenever I would see you my hands would instinctively reach for something metal, hopefully sharp. To, you know, throw at you. I would spend my free time making up adjective to describe how disgodumb you are (that’s one of them, BTW). At least half my allowance each week would go to buying dart boards with your face on them, because I’d always burn them after a few days. Basically, look up “hatred” in the dictionary, and you’ll see me. Look up a-hole, and you’ll see your own.

Now right now you’re probably going “But I’m innocent!” with your ridiculously high voice. You may even be batting your gunk-filled eyelids, your mouth half open, looking so innocent that even unicorns would throw up from it. Well, I’ll explain why to you, in words even you would understand.

You always had it out for me. Ever since first grade when we were assigned to the same table. Then the torment began. You would casually stick crayons up my noise when the teacher wasn’t looking, filling my nostrils with colored wax. I still think my nostrils are colored “banana mania” and “fuzzy wuzzy brown” because of you.

Elementary school was ruined, because of you. My innocence was ruined, because of you. In fact, I want to attach an MP3 of “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson just so that you’ll understand the pain I felt.

Then came middle school. Then high school. You kept harassing me like *insert funny reference here*. Did you somehow miss the class of keeping your hands to yourself? Were you raised by a pack of leeches? You’re insane. Even Dr. Phil can’t help you. Okay, so that’s not saying much but still.

What I’m trying to say is that you were a jerk to me throughout ten years of my life. And for that you get a freaky letter from a dead guy telling you you suck. Karma? Never been sweeter.

From,
You Should Know Who I Am. That would really suck if you didn’t.

P.S. I don’t even remember how I died. I think it was because of a sore throat. Or maybe to be used in a characterization exercise by a teenager. I keep mixing the two up…

[Lamperoux]

the funny died after the first joke...

[InSickHealth]

Humor in writing is tough. When talking, humor has a lot to do with tone and timing. You are writing this letter with tone in mind, but that doesn't come through very easily. I can almost see where you were going with it, but you need to realize that it came across more as a bitterness than humor. One thing that I've found that works for me is going totally over the top with it. If I am going for pure humor, I will exaggerate the s**t out of everything. Exaggerating deliver what your tone can't.

Example:
Of course someone would want to hire me. I'm totally awesome!

My tone could have made that funny, but without hearing me say it, it's simply a statement. I can add to it by saying something like
Everyone wants to hire me! I'm 145 lbs of amazing wrapped in a blanket of warm awesome! Smothered in mustard, of course.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things to consider when writing humor. I haven't gone for pure humor, so let me know if you learn any tricks. Welcome to the forum

[Isaiah Lake]

I think that there were too many jokes, too close together, thus diminishing themselves. You could possibly use more more situational humor in between the jokes. For example, the whole you've had it out for me since first grade was pretty funny. Then there was an onslaught of jokes, which got old. Overall, funny story. I liked it.

[StrikingEagle]

[QUOTE=InSickHealth;1378758]Humor in writing is tough. When talking, humor has a lot to do with tone and timing. You are writing this letter with tone in mind, but that doesn't come through very easily. I can almost see where you were going with it, but you need to realize that it came across more as a bitterness than humor. One thing that I've found that works for me is going totally over the top with it. If I am going for pure humor, I will exaggerate the s**t out of everything. Exaggerating deliver what your tone can't.
QUOTE]

I think writing something humorous just takes more words because you cant use real life tone. You will have timeing if it's written correctly and you do have literary tone. I don't think writting humor or humorously would be more difficult than writing a scientific paper.

One of my favorite authors is Erma Bombeck. I read her books about 20 years ago but still remember how funny they were. Even the titles: "If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing In the Pits" for example. I read this book at work, usually during my lunch period. I was working at a radio station at the time and once needed to move to the sound room to continue reading bacause I couldn't stop laughing and was disturbing a few people.

A more recent author's example is Patricia Cornwell. I'm currently reading "Isle of Dogs." In this book a main character has digestive problems which Cornwell describes in a subtle but powerful humorous way. This character Cornwell describes is a govenor of who will talk on phone while on the toilet. The person on the other end of the line hears, in words, troublesome sounds associated with a bathroom. In another place in Cornwell's book she will describe this person as having problems with his "consumption." That is the word Cornwell uses to describe his problem, but never gets gross doing so. This man is also near blindly and need a magnifying glass to read and see objects. Cornwell created one funny situation around the magnifying glass being lost and found on purpose. These are the parts of the story I remember because the were very funny when I read about eight weeks ago. It's the character who I remember, a nearly blind, farting, Govenor who cannot be far from a bathroom.

The story line, the way the sentences are constructed, the way characters interact, and the characters themselves, do create some wonderful humor. Just takes more planning.