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RoundEye
August 31st, 2010, 06:35 PM
I think my mental compass may be slowing some, I’ve broken through the writer’s block wall. This is the first piece I have written since I found out I was sick over a year ago. If you read it, tell me why you liked it or hated it. I feel as if I’m having to start over as a writer. Honesty is important. At first it was a 500 word prompt but my head exploded.



A Hot Date

I was ecstatic, this was my first date in ages. My mother would be proud. I’ve not dated since she passed but I’m sure I’m in her gaze from above. I’m just not sure how to act, I have my best clothes on, my best smelling high dollar cologne on, shaved, showered, not much more I can do. I didn’t have any friends that could set me up, it was an answer to a personal add in the newspaper. All I could do now is wait for a knock on the door.

There it was, the knock. I was scared shitless. I wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to answer the door. Well I figured if she could bring herself to the door to knock, the least I could do is answer it. I heard another knock before I could get to the door. I was really hoping I didn’t make a terrible mistake answering that add on my way to the door. I slowly unlocked the multiple locks to my apartment. I was hoping that is was no snaggled tooth beast. I knew I should’ve installed that peephole while doing the locks.

To my amazement when I opened the door, there was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. Raven hair, crystalline deep blue eyes and an absolutely perfect figure and a face of innocence. I had to ask her if she was at the right apartment. She briefly looked at her paperwork and shyly said “yep”. Before I could say anymore I had to pick my chin up off the floor. I could not believe the most beautiful creature I had ever seen was knocking on my door. Here to see little ole me. I mean wow beyond belief. Miss Universe was waiting for me. I invited her in but she politely declined. Said it was almost time for her reservation. Not only was she beautiful beyond belief, she even made the reservations. At that point I was a willing lost puppy following her to the end of Earth, unbeknownst to me at the time that is where we were about to go. The elevator ride down was quite. With those looks not one damn word was needed.

I hailed a cab, she gave the address. All I knew was there was a multilevel parking lot. It didn’t matter, with those crystal blue eyes I was just a puppy on a leash there to follow her every lead. When the cab stopped the driver curiously asked if it was the right place. She said “yes”, I wasn’t so sure.

To quell my obvious nervousness she informed me that it was a new underground club. I had to listen, she made the reservation to this place after all. After a brief walk through an empty parking garage, we arrived at an elevator. She got in, I was edgy for some reason but I followed. Once we got in she hit the down button. That had me thinking what kind of an underground club is this?

Her pretty blue eyes started to turn purple. Oh shit that was scary. We wasn’t stopping, the elevator just kept going down. The further down we went the redder her eyes got. That’s it, date over, I wanted out but the elevator wouldn’t stop. I looked, no up button, no open button, only direction was down, way down. I was getting more scared and her eyes were getting redder by the moment.

Finally the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I got a blast of heat like opening an oven door, except this was head to toe. Right at my feet was jagged rocks and a river of boiling blood. My gorgeous date had morphed into a harpy. I felt like a major asshole, I was seduced by a demon!

Soon as my body acclimated to the heat some, I looked around. There were bodies everywhere screaming and writhing in pain. I may be a slow learner but that harpy bitch has brought me to hell. I have a date with the Devil, she was only a temptress to escort me. She may have been a Goddess before but now she was butt ugly, red eyes, feathers sprouting from everywhere and lips shaped like a beak. And where were her arms?

It was an impossible choice but I knew I had to step out. Either that or stay in there with freaky looking birdwoman. I don’t know what she wanted but I’ll be damned if I’m giving it to her. Talk about hot, there was no hotter than hell, this is hell. Boiling river of blood, people screaming in ungodly pain and did I say hot. It felt hot enough to burn skin from bone. The only thing I seen through the bodies writhing in pain and screaming was an arrow shaped sign that only said “dis”. That’s the capital of hell, the Devil has to be there. Maybe he’ll have mercy on my soul and show me the way out of this oven. It was an extremely scary, nerve wracking walk. There was the river of boiling blood, full of bodies, some face down, some screaming the worst and loudest most agonizing screams I ever heard, creatures salivating for a taste of my flesh if I ventured too far from the well worn trail.

It seemed like an eternity, even in hell terms. But I arrived at a building with one large door that simply said SATAN. I was standing there contemplating knocking or running. If I ran where was I to go? The elevator had no up button plus that ugly birdbitch was in there. As if it was magic, the door opened. I don’t know where the courage came from to do it but I stepped in. There was this imposing figure that had to be well over ten foot tall. He looked like he was sweating blood. Around his neck there was people hanging by their feet, some motionless, some screaming. I thought I was going to faint but I was locked straight up in fear. Just as magically as the door opened, it slammed shut. Oh shit, what now? As big and grotesque as this figure was, it had an unusually soothing voice.

We conversed for a while, I didn’t realize it yet but I was dead. This is my eternal punishment. I died from a heart attack. Like I mentioned before harpy was just an escort to my final demise. Bitch.

I snuffed out my mom with a pillow, I couldn’t watch her suffer any more. I think that’s what caused this eternal punishment. I thought nobody knew but surprise, he knew. It was my turn to jump into the river of boiling blood and tread that for the rest of eternity. I thought I was doing her justice but man did I ever muck up. I knew it too late, don’t ever take a life. You will be like me, up to your eyeballs in boiling blood. For all of eternity. It’s just my blind date with the devil.

Jon M
August 31st, 2010, 06:38 PM
The quote format makes it extremely hard to read.

alanmt
August 31st, 2010, 06:46 PM
Nice work with the prompt, even if it ended up too long. I like how the story grabs the reader and takes us along for the wild and downward ride.

funnygirl
August 31st, 2010, 11:24 PM
I really liked it. I dont know if it was your intention, but I found the whole thing really funny. This line made me snort out loud, and is probably my favourite.

Once we got in she hit the down button. That had me thinking what kind of an underground club is this?
Good Job, Congrats on pushing through the writer's block and good luck on future writings.

RoundEye
September 1st, 2010, 02:41 AM
The quote format makes it extremely hard to read. Fixt

Thanks everybody for reading it.

I know I won’t be the next George Lucas but I want to write as concisely as possible and be able to get my point across to others properly. The honesty is important to me right now.

It’s hard to see through text but I’m slowly coming out of my introverted shell. Just imagine how venerable a naked turtle feels. You just might have some clue how I feel.

RoundEye
September 1st, 2010, 02:43 AM
I really liked it. I dont know if it was your intention, but I found the whole thing really funny. This line made me snort out loud, and is probably my favourite.

Good Job, Congrats on pushing through the writer's block and good luck on future writings.

I think my dark sense of humor may be coming back.

RoundEye
September 1st, 2010, 04:40 PM
Simple question: am I a plagiarist?

If you read the story you’ll see that I talked about the river of boiling blood. So did Dante in the Inferno. I elaborated on it and talked about it more. I going to have to research plagiarism more.

If I’m a plagiarist I’d consider that a worse fate then doing a swan dive into said river.

Olly Buckle
September 1st, 2010, 09:14 PM
We conversed for a while, I didn’t realize it yet but I was dead. This is my eternal punishment. I died from a heart attack. Like I mentioned before harpy was just an escort to my final demise. Bitch.It felt a bit as though you had got bored and couldn't be bothered to elaborate near the end. What did you talk about? Or was it that you hadn't realised you were dead before he told you? I wanted the harpy to be 'Not your escort for the night , but to your eternal damnation', the final demise must have come before you opened the door. Simply taking the idea of rivers of boiling blood is not plagiarism, it is the sort of thing Dante might well have borrowed himself, but I felt you could have added a few more tortures, then the Devil could have chosen that as the one you especially abhorred.
Good to hear you are writing again, go for it man, mad if you don't.

InSickHealth
September 1st, 2010, 09:16 PM
I didn't read Inferno, but think about this: We are often inspired by television, radio, books, conversations, etc.
Let's assume you read that and said, "Wow! That's cool! I like that!" and decided to expand on the idea and make it your own, then you're good.

But let's assume that you read about the river of boiling blood and said, "Damn, that description would look good in my story!" and either copied/pasted or copied the same idea with a very similar description, then you are crossing that line.

If the description is of your own creation, then stand by your work! When you make an idea or concept your own, it can be awesome. Just don't look at someone else's work and say, "That would fit perfectly... right... here..." Sounds like the river was your visualization of something you saw. I think you're good

RoundEye
September 2nd, 2010, 04:37 AM
I think the only thing that is word for word is “a river of boiling blood”. I think that’s an awesome descriptor for hell. The rest I elaborated on. It might be the river Styx.

Olly is right in the fact that near the end I did rush it. I probably could’ve written another 1000 words easy. I didn’t want to write a story so long that nobody would read it. In hindsight I should’ve kept going. I feel that even the story came out OK it does have a rushed feeling near the end. I need to slam the brakes on my gonzo writing.

RoundEye
September 3rd, 2010, 05:47 AM
General Note:


Olly edited the F word, changed it to muck. Im usually against any form of censorship but Im forgetting the forum is PG-13 and I had no warning. Sorry. Ill try to not let it happen again.

8)