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The Phantom Queen
August 30th, 2010, 09:57 AM
The night’s symphony rolled through her, beautiful, consuming and caressing. Each gentle roll of the breeze against dried and dead leaves nearly made her weep. The cool September air wrapped about her like a lover, cooling her heated flesh. In the night, she truly felt at home and at peace. Each star looked down at her with love; not the scorn and distrust the pervaded the rest of the world. The full milky Harvest moon smiled down on her like a mother does her child. The young woman stared up into the night sky looking for answers to questions she wasn’t even sure she knew. Everything in her life just seemed to be spinning by so quickly and nothing she did could make her keep up, give her something solid to stand on. Her entire life had been made up of broken misery and lies. Suddenly a sharp pain ripped though her back from shoulder down and across to her hip. Dark violet blood spewed from her back and she collapsed to the concrete, unconsciousness consuming her.


The night continued to play it erotic and eternal symphony as she lay bleeding out in a city gutter.

Olly Buckle
August 30th, 2010, 01:14 PM
Welcome to the forum, nice for a random late night thought, a couple of minor nits,

"distrust the pervaded" Should be "that" I think.

"Everything in her life just seemed to be spinning by so quickly " Writing is often more effective if it is definite, I would replace this with "was"

This is the sort of thing I save up and then find a use for in some longer story, keep writing.

Ripka
August 30th, 2010, 10:36 PM
This sounds like it should be used in a longer short story. It's good to have people asking questions by the time they finish the story, but not throughout the entire thing. This would be really interesting if it was more complex. For instance: Who stabbed her(assuming someone stabbed her)? What are a few of the questions she's thinking? Another thing, in the beginning of the story it sounded like she was in more of a natural environment(since she can see the sky, and the moon, and stars clearly) but she ends up bleeding in a city gutter. When she was looking up, wouldn't she have noticed other things as well as the sky(if she was in a city environment)? You do have good use of words, though, when you describe the nighttime.

ArcThomas
August 31st, 2010, 01:40 AM
umm.. why'd you stop?
please edit in the next piece into the same post and forewarn us with a reply.

InSickHealth
August 31st, 2010, 02:54 AM
While it could definitely be continued, I personally enjoy it's simplicity. It had a very tranquil mood. I think it would be more complete as a piece this short would be if she was feeling a brief moment of piece and tranquility despite the lifetime of misery and lies. Otherwise the reader is going to want to know more about her past and what brought her to this point.

Jon M
August 31st, 2010, 03:41 AM
I didn't like it, to be honest. I thought the word choice made the writing feel lofty at times. Sure, it's poetic and flows nicely, but sentences like "The night's symphony rolled through her, beautiful, consuming, and caressing" don't give me a clear image. Overall I see this as prose trying really hard to be poetry. I'm willing to accept it comes down to personal taste, though.

The Phantom Queen
September 3rd, 2010, 06:32 AM
Thanks for the feed back. It's been a long time since I've written anything and the inspiration just hit me when I was listening to Beautiful by Apocalyptica. Sorry fearsatan that this doesn't appeal to you. Beautiful is a symphony so the writing kinda' just followed the muse. I wasn't intending this piece to be anymore than it is but the feedback has made me want to continue. Now than I've reread it, I want to find out how she got there too! I'll be sure to update soon.

blueslal
September 4th, 2010, 05:24 PM
i liked it. It is very much prose-like but as such stumbles upon its own feet. because it was a late night inspiration, it is, and should be, raw, open to editing to pick the prose up off the ground and set it in its right place. enough of that. here is what a newbie to the site thinks:
"The cool September air wrapped about her like a lover, cooling her heated flesh." very close but does not quite work for me. maybe contrasting the inner fire caused by the lovers embrace with the cool air?
"Each star looked down at her with love; not the scorn and distrust the pervaded the rest of the world. The full milky Harvest moon smiled down on her like a mother does her child. The young woman stared up into the night sky looking for answers to questions she wasn’t even sure she knew." i love the first line"Each star looked down at her with love" but it is here I feel a stumble and fall. lots of looking down and staring up. you could easily pull this together.
"Her entire life had been made up of broken misery and lies." i feel this line is out of place and would make a great first line.
thanks for the post. like I said I like it.
-Blueslal


To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the inner music the words make. ~Truman Capote