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DarkxxArts
August 26th, 2010, 05:50 AM
I wrote this story awhile back, and I recently gained new interest in it. I never really gathered any critique on it, so I like to know what you guys thought. (This is only a snippet mind you.)It would really help to have honest, and raw opinions on it, as I am changing parts in the rewrite. Thanks in advance and enjoy.



Chapter one

Xarra, Alterran City

http://m.mbmgl.com/i/dot.gif


"Move! Calibus strike inbound!" Wailed Capt. Grueger, as he ushered a Saraan family to the hotel's rear. The young Captain's heart pounded with fear as he directed the small group, but oddly there was something else, excitement, a heightening of the senses, a persistent twinge in his abdomen, and the undeniable curiosity as to what lie ahead.

His jaw stiffened as the sudden burst of adrenaline propelled him beyond human limits. He felt faster, his movements more sharp and deliberate, even time yielded in his wake; bringing a new depth and clarity to his perception.

Grueger hurried the family into an area he deemed safe. Directing the band of panicked Saraans into the hotel's large and spacious kitchen.

The anxious captain bore his weight heavily upon the sturdy kitchen wall, his rifle poised eagerly at his hip. "Lay on the ground," He instructed. "Get as close to the floor as possible." His body tardily descended the brick construction, coming to rest in a crouching position.


The Saraans readily obliged, hurling themselves upon the tarnished wood floor at Grueger's command. The Krutzwig captain breathed discontentedly, trying at length to resist peering into the treacherous lobby.

His muscles twitched in anticipation, from the tip of his trigger-primed index finger, to the soles of his over traveled feet. The captain contemplated whether a glimpse into the lobby was worth the danger it conveyed, biting lightly upon his dry, pale lips as he thought; the mild contact eliciting a trickle of blood from his lower lip.

The inquisitive side of Grueger's self won over his actions, and the young Captain found himself reluctantly gazing into the vacant lobby.

Jon M
August 26th, 2010, 06:11 AM
I think the descriptions are slowing down the pace slightly. It's good writing, but I think it could be leaner. I'm assuming p2 is an introduction to the captain's superpowers -- that's what it sounds like. I would cut everything after "His jaw stiffened as the sudden burst of adrenaline propelled him beyond human limits" because it starts to sound redundant.

p3 could be rewritten as "Grueger directed the band of panicked Saraans into the hotel's large and spacious kitchen." No need to point out it is an area he deems safe because it's implied by his actions thus far -- he's trying to save them.

"Lay on the ground," He instructed. -- redundant. Maybe better rewritten as "On the ground, as close to the floor as possible."

DarkxxArts
August 26th, 2010, 01:09 PM
"Move! Calibus strike inbound!" Wailed Capt. Grueger, as he ushered a Saraan family to the hotel's rear. The young Captain's heart pounded with fear as he directed the small group, but oddly there was something else, excitement, a heightening of the senses, a persistent twinge in his abdomen, and the undeniable curiosity as to what lie ahead.

His jaw stiffened as the sudden burst of adrenaline propelled him beyond human limits, he was faster, more aware. The Captain grunted resolute, fist clenched and rifle bobbing, he hurried the panicked clan into the hotel's large and spacious kitchen. Metal chimed in disturbance as the Saraans clumsily rattled cookware in their shuffle for safety.The anxious Captain bore his weight heavily upon the sturdy kitchen wall, his weapon poised eagerly at his hip. "Lay on the ground, get as close to the floor as possible." His body tardily descended the brick construction, coming to rest in a crouching position.

The Saraans readily obliged, hurling themselves upon the tarnished wooden ground, at Grueger's command. Hands trembling and quiet prayers uttered, they looked through crimson-hued iris' as the situation unfold. A stillness moved in, a silence even, like the deathly mute before disaster strikes. Jon breathed discontentedly, trying at length to resist peering into the treacherous lobby.

Sweat crept over the Krutzwig's furrowed brow, his muscles twitching in anticipation, from the tip of his trigger-primed index finger, to the soles of his over traveled feet. The captain contemplated whether a glimpse into the lobby was worth the danger it conveyed, biting lightly upon his dry, pale lips as he thought; the mild contact eliciting a trickle of blood to sink onto his chin.

Eventually, he made his choice, and although in spite of himself, Grueger found the inquisitive side of his nature winning over his actions. The Captain lurched forward, diverting his gaze through the narrow archway affixed to the lobby.





Is this any better?

ArcThomas
August 26th, 2010, 05:53 PM
I lieked the theme. the story caught my attention by immediately dipping me in a new world.
I'm interested to see who the Saraan's are and what rank Krutzwig relates to. That's just me though, a new world is why i read.
I'd enjoy reading perhaps a snippet from a different section of the story. Try to write a more political piece with no immediate danger conflict to test how you'd write this story.

Ilasir Maroa
August 26th, 2010, 06:25 PM
"Move! Calibus strike inbound!" WailedI'm not sure "wailed" is the best word here. Wails are by definition wordless, and I find it more likely that a Capt. would be "shouting". Capt. Grueger, as he ushered a Saraan family to the hotel's rear. The young Captain's heart pounded with fearI think you coould drop "with fear", since the pounding heart already suggests it. as he directed the small group, but oddly there was something else,perhaps an em-dash or a color would be more appropriate here excitement, a heightening of the senses, a persistent twinge in his abdomen, and the undeniable curiosity as to what lie"lay" ahead.

His jaw stiffened as the sudden burst of adrenaline propelled him beyond human limits,I'd say a semi-colon or period would be better. Also, this sentence is somewhat redundant. he was faster, more aware. The Captain gruntedcomma resolute,period fist clenched and rifle bobbing, he hurried the panicked clanis it a "family" or a "clan"? There's a difference. into the hotel's large and spacious kitchen. Metal chimed in disturbance"in disturbance" is grammatically incorrect, and you could probably drop it anyway, since "clumsily rattled" says basically the same thing. as the Saraans clumsily rattled cookware in their shuffle for safety.The anxious Captain bore his weight heavily upon the sturdy kitchen wall, his weapon poised eagerlyweapons are inanimate objects (generally), and thus cannot be eager. Also, "bore" refers to the Captain holding up his weight, he cannot "bear it on the wall". It's either him or the wall doing the bearing. Perhaps "leaned heavily on..." would be better. at his hip. "Lay on the ground, get as close to the floor as possible." His body tardily"tardy" means late. You probablly mean "slow", which with "descended", might be better off as "slid down" descended the brick construction"wall" There's no reason for this particular figure of speech here., coming to rest in a crouching position.

The Saraans readily obliged,"obliged" what? he's not asked the to do anything yet. hurling themselves upon the tarnished wooden groundground is made of dirt, or perhaps concrete in a heavily industrialized area. "ground" is never made of "wood", at Grueger's command.Ah, the "command" needs to come before the obliging. Hands trembling and quiet prayers uttered, they looked through crimson-hued iris'"irises" is plural form. You have used the possessive. as the situation unfold"unfolded". A stillness moved in, a silence even, like the deathly mute"deathly mute"? "mute" is an adjective, or else a noun describing a person unable to speak. It is not the same as "silence" Perhaps "calm" would be best, as in "the calm before the storm." before disaster strikes. JonPick one name for this character and use it. breathed discontentedly, trying at length"trying at length" means "trying after some time had passed". Since I assume he was not peering sometime before this, that is not the phrase you were looking for. to resist peering into the treacherous lobby.Here, "treacherous" actuallly does describe the lobby, while "eagerly" did not describe the weapon.

Sweat crept over"down" Liquids flow towards the ground the Krutzwig'sPick a name for the rank and stick to it. furrowed brow, his muscles twitching in anticipation, from the tip of his trigger-primed index finger, to the soles of his "over-traveled"but I'm not sure how that's relevant to the situation. feet. The captain contemplated whether a glimpse into the lobby was worth the danger it conveyed"conveyed" means "to express". "Courted" works, but you might find it overly-poetic "invited" is also another alterative, biting lightly upon his dry, pale"biting his lip" conveys about the same information as "dry pale", so I'd suggest dropping the adjectives. lips as he thought; the mildand now "mild" does not seem as redundant contact eliciting"elicited" a trickle of blood to sink onto his chinawkward phrasing, perhaps "dribbling blood down his chin".

Eventually, he made his choice, and althoughdrop "although", because it implies another clause will be coming, but it does not. in spite of himself, Grueger found the inquisitive side of his nature winning over his actions. The Captainagain, try not to switch appelations(names) so much lurched forward, diverting his gaze throughyou "divert" from something, not through it. At least, not in this context. the narrow archway affixed to the lobby.





Is this any better?



To be honest, the first one was better, but it wasn't great. This is a fairly generic opening, and despite your attempts to make it lively, it was actually rather slow-paced. Perhaps a larger hint of what's in store for these characters could liven it up.