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Mistyag
August 26th, 2010, 02:47 AM
hey,
just wondering if anybody would give me a critique am happy to give on in return, i don't mind if its harsh i would just like you to be honest...



Preface

The wind was rushing by me as I run through the trees to the safety of my home. I could hear twigs snapping from behind me as I ran.
The creek was rushing along beside me, though it was quickly turning to meet me in my path.
I ran bare foot with only a shirt and shorts on. As the creek came to meet me I jumped landing on my hands and knees.
Though they weren’t hands and knees anymore they had turned into pure white paws, my body had changed shape. It had gone from slow, weak human to a powerful wolf.
I used my powerful hind legs to propel myself into the trees again. It was time to lose these guys. I leap onto the lower branch of the tree beside me.
I leapt onto the next and the next until I was high enough to see back across the creek and the incoming enemies.
The Cyran had just jumped over the creek and I knew it was searching for my scent. I waited as it ran following my scent.
Just as it went under the tree I was in, it disappeared. I looked around trying to find it. Wham!! I was knocked out of the tree.
Falling, I desperately fumble for another branch. Finally grabbing onto one I phase back into my human form hold on to it.
I look down to see how high I am. Seeming not to be too far I let go of the branch landing on the balls of my feet. I phase quickly and look around for the Cyran.
I sniffed. Wham!! I stumble sideways; my jaw opens as I let out a threatening growl. I sit and close my eyes opening my mind to my surroundings.
On the edge of my mind I sense my friend; I touched his mind, sending him an image of the Cyran. There was a light touch in return.
I use my senses to locate the Cyran. It was heading this way. I let out another growl. As it got close I retaliated, whipping out with my jaw.
My jaw closed on flesh I crushed the Cyran so hard it yelped. I had gotten its leg. Using my hold on its leg I lift it up and throw it back to the ground.
I place my paw on its stomach holding it down. I close my jaw over its neck and pull causing it to snap. The struggling Cyran had fallen limp.
I begin to run towards home again. I jump over the creek again as it came to meet me after I had changed direction.
I came to a dead end but I didn’t stop I ran straight through the cliff face blocking the way. I was home at last.


thanks
Mist

MisterSpider
August 26th, 2010, 03:29 AM
Mist, you seem to have a good imagination, but there are some rudimental problems with this. First, you switch between tenses. Just look at the first sentence "the wind was rushing by me as I run..." 'Was' is past tense, 'run' is present tense. That's no good; tenses should generally remain the same. Second, there are some grammatical mistakes. For instance, you need a comma after "Seeming not to be too far". There are similar missing commas throughout. Third, and this is a little more advanced, much of the writing is unclear. I don't understand what you mean by rebellion. I know what a rebellion is, dictionary wise, but not in the sense you use here. It appears to be something that you can eat, although rebellions aren't tangible things like that.

What authors do you read?

Mistyag
August 26th, 2010, 04:26 AM
i have always had problems with my tenses thanks for pointing that out to me... as for my grammatical errors i often correct big mistakes as i go but for small punctuation issues i leave them until i have finished the first draft then correct them as i read through it.
Rebellion is the name for the bad guys in the story at the moment... i couldn't think of a good name when i came up to it so its going to be rebellion until i find a suitable name for them.


i read christopher paolini, Stephenie Meyer, J.K Rowling, James Patterson, Stephen Cole and some other fantasy authors which i can remember their names.

thanks for your feedback
Mist

Mistyag
September 9th, 2010, 08:55 PM
i have found a good name for the bad guys so i have changed it in the prologue. have fun reading the first chapter remember all feedback is welcome...


Animans



I sat on the bridge watching the fish swim by in the stream beside me. In the water I could see my reflection, I have light blond hair, I’m skinny and I have slightly brown skin.
I could sit here for hours just staring into the water. This is the one place I can think and be myself. Only my friends know that I come here, when they get here we will go to school.
As I stare into my reflection I see something moving in the background. It was high up in the trees coming towards me.
I turned just as it’s nearly upon me, though as I turn, a furry body jumps across the creek passing closely to my body and grabs the creature that was stalking me.
After a quick tumble it was over, the small, limp figure, of the creature lying on the ground in front of a fluffy, white wolf.
The wolf stared at me through piercing yellow eyes and I stared right back into the yellow knowing that this wolf could kill me without a second thought.
Then the wolf’s body began to tremble before it collapsed. I move slowly towards it noticing the usually white fur was now turning red from the wolf’s wound.
Down the left side of its body was a large cut from the strange creature’s claws. Even as I watched, the wound began to heal closing right before my eyes, a thin scar remained. The wolf slowly got to its feet and ran off into the forest, the last of the blood dripping from its fur.
A few moments later I could hear the unmistakeable approach of my friends. Chloe as always was always talking. She has dark brown curly hair, pale white skin and small light blue eyes.
She was talking to Charme who always let Chloe talk herself into silence. Charme has long, blonde, straight hair, bright blue eyes and pale white skin.
From the other direction came Agua, she has long dark brown messy hair, with light brown skin and deep chocolate brown eyes. She looked as if she was deep in thought so without saying anything we walked out of the forest towards road which would lead us to school.
Only Chloe spoke on the short walk to school with the rest of us pretending to listen. I thought about the wolf and the creature that it had killed. Eventually she became quiet, everything that happened to her on the weekend told.
“What about you Misty?” Chloe asked.
“What?” I say, drawn out of my thoughts.
My friends call me Misty, I’m not sure why though well all have nicknames within our group. Agua was Lua, Chloe was Coco and Charme was Bunny, they chose their names but I couldn’t decide so they chose one for me, my real name is April.
“What happened to you on the weekend?” she asked me.
“Nothing worth telling.” I say as Lua looks up at me. I had decided not to tell most of my friends that I had seen a wolf in the forest, though Lua I could trust.
She knew something would be up because I normally talk more than I had this morning. She would ask me about in first class today because the others wouldn’t be with us.
As we arrived at school we walked towards the locker room to retrieve the books we would need until break time. We only brought bags to school to carry books between classes but other than that everything stayed in our lockers.
When the bell rang Coco and Bunny wandered off to their class, physics while Lua and I went to Biology. Walking into the classroom we sat down at our usual seats in the back of the classroom.
The good thing about biology was that our teacher didn’t mind if we talked, as long as we completed the work and today we were starting something new.
“What’s up?” Lua asked.
Knowing what she meant I told her about the wolf and the wound that it had received. By the end of it Lua seemed slightly tense, though she was unable to reply because our teacher was calling for our attention.
“Alright,” our teacher Mr Clark began. “You all know that we are beginning a new topic and that topic is Animans. Can anybody tell me what they are?”
“They a legend which is said to have began in our town.” Lua said straight away. “Animans are humans which have the ability to transform into a single animal, though there are stories of animans who can transform into any animal they would like.”
Lua was almost always the first to answer a question asked by the teacher. He nodded. “What do the legends say about their transformations?”
“They say that the first transformation is the longest and the most painful.” Lua answered again. “If the first transformation between human and animal is interrupted, it may cause the animan to become a Cyran.”
Mr Clarke nodded again. “What are Cyrans?” he asked.
“The enemies of Animans.” It was not Lua this time but a boy named Kyle from the seat in front of Lua.
“Now we all know that Animans and Cyrans aren’t real.” Mr Clark told us. “But for the sake of our unit of work let’s say that they are.”
Mr Clarke began to hand out text books on animans as well as some work booklets that went with them. “Now these books provide everything you will need to know about animans for your exam at the end of the term.” He told us as we walked back to the front of the room.
I saw Lua in the corner of my eye looking through the text book with a frown on her face. Once she had finished flipping though it she turned to the workbook.
“Work your way through the workbook at your own pace though you will need to hand it to me on the day of the exam.” Mr Clark told the class.
Lua was already writing in the workbook. I also began to work, first looking in the work book then going to the text book.
When the bell rang over head some students in the class jumped. The class had been working silently, but now they collected their books from their desk and filed out of the classroom, Lua and I among them.
As we walked down the main hallway, Lua turned into a smaller one heading towards her English class which she had with Bunny.
My next class was maths and I had that with Coco. The teacher like my biology teacher didn’t mind if we were talking and sat at his desk after setting our work. Coco of course talked to me all lesson. I pretended to listen while working out the algebra we had been set. After what felt like ages the bell rang for lunch.
Coco and I walked out into the hallway and headed towards the locker room to wait for Lua and Bunny. When they arrived we grabbed our lunch and went to our usual spot on the oval to eat.
We ate in silence then began to play tag until the bell went for class. The rest of the day passed in pretty much the same manner.
After the short walk home I was in the forest climbing the trees with Lua. We climbed until we were as high as we could go without breaking the branches.
We always went to the forest after school, it was fun to climb and just be ourselves. For a while we just talked, I keep nothing from Lua.
I felt Lua tense beside me. “I need to go do some homework.” Lua told me.
I nod and we begin the climb down to the ground. Once we close enough we jumped out of the tree and grabbed our bags. Lua walked further into the forest leading towards her house, she would leave the forest a few streets over from where I leave it. I went the other way towards the closest exit.
I walk out of the trees onto the slightly dark street and head towards my house around the corner. I walk up the driveway of my home while I pull out my keys. The door opened when I reached it.
It was my mum. “I was about to come get you.” She explained. “Dinner’s ready.”
Walking into the house I toss my bag into my room on my way past and go on to the kitchen to eat my dinner. After dinner I go into my room and begin the biology homework.
Turn into animals.
Wounds heal fast when in animal form.
Cyrans are small creatures which seek animans to follow to their sacred lands.
Animans protect humans from Cyrans
The phrases jumped out of the text book at me, these phrases reminded me of the wolf I had seen this morning. Turn into animals. Wolves didn’t live around Rosedale and if they did they would be hunted. Wounds heal fast when in animal form. The wound of that wolf had been healed right before my eyes. Cyrans are small creatures which seek animans to follow them to their sacred lands. The wolf had killed that small creature. Animans protect humans from Cyrans. The wolf had killed that creature which was going to kill me.
My books fell from my lap as the shock of it hit me, Animans exist. This was as the thought that crossed my mind.

Mist

Kordain
September 9th, 2010, 09:38 PM
i don't care to point out your grammatical errors because i make just as many if not more than you do. most people will be more freaked out by a wolf landing right next to them and killing small creatures. i would probably me really shaken up but also think cool a wild animal that close. next what does local mythology have to do with biology and why is there a text book on this mythology? give a good reason for the teacher to be teaching this stuff. also the last half had tons of 'i this...' 'i that...' stuff try to be creative when describing what she is doing. don't give all of the information away from the beginning or else it will take an effort for the reader to read it. after the fifth paragraph i almost stopped reading.

personally i like the first sentence of the first chapter to pull the reader in. instead of telling the reader what you are doing say for example 'i was watching my reflection in a stream beside me when a furry body jumped across the stream, it passed close to my body and clamped its jaw down some creature that must have been stalking me.' instead of saying 'that was stalking' say 'it must have been stalking' does the main character know that it was stalking her?

don't tell me every thing. example 'i have blonde hair.' better example '"misty did you dye your hair?" "no" i replied, "its always been blonde like this."'

the most important thing is there is no plot. where is the conflict? what is the protagonist(s) trying to accomplish. what is the overall problem? all the facts of the story are known already. there has to be something unknown for people to keep reading but they have to know that there is something they don't know.

ArcThomas
September 9th, 2010, 11:23 PM
All the tree action. i thought you were a white panther. :p hint hint.

TheFuhrer02
September 14th, 2010, 07:18 AM
First off, I can tell from a glance that this is one story I will keep on reading. The plot itself may be a bit of a cliche (one morphing group against another similar group), but nevertheless, the names (Animans & Cyrans, if I am not mistaken) are intriguing, to say the least.

What really struck me was the preface. Never really expected the main character will transform into a wolf. The slow change was a nice touch.

Some punctuations marks are missing, though, and I can't stress it enough but punctuations help make reading more fluid. If you could add them in, then please do so. The second installment of your story hurt my eyes a bit, too. The font size was way too big for me, making the letters appear overcrowded. Don't worry, I endured the pain and finished it all. :)

Nevertheless, I find your story a mystery. I've never been a fan of stories with wolves in it, but this one I'd have to make an exception.