View Full Version : Planet of Ice

August 25th, 2010, 04:50 AM
This is all I've written so far. Tell me what you think.

I've awaken on some foreign place. I looked down at my body to see that i was wearing snow gear. I looked up to realize everything was frozen solid. As I continued to look up I saw the night sky and the stars within it. These stars were unlike anything I've ever seen. The beauty of the aurora and cosmos captivated me. As i continued to look, I wondered if I was looking into the eyes of god. To see it better I lifted up my ski goggles to see it better.

After sight seeing, I pulled off the back pack I was carrying. I opened it and felt around for a flash light so I could see better. Surprised and delighted to find one i clicked it on and looked inside the pack. I saw a 9mm pistol, 8 loaded magazines, a knife, a small one person tent, a lighter, lighter fluid, flint, and a satchel.

Looking for answers I pulled out the satchel hoping to see if there's anything that can give me clues to where I was.
It turns out there was an ID of my face. I looked young, probably only around 17 or 16 brown hair, green eyes, and a 5 o'clock shadow.
The other things in the satchel included an electronic GPS, a pack of malboro reds, and a sealed envelope.

It read:
Subject 02

I put the ID back and opened the envelope.

It read.

"Congratulations 02 you've been selected to do your part for humanity! If you look on your map you'll see a red circled area, your current location is the white flashing arrow on the map. You're job is to go to that red area. Go there and you'll be given more instructions through your GPS. 02 Please be reminded that your firearm is equipped for lethality and it is not a toy, however if you feel threatened do not hesitate to use it."

I was confused, cold, and distraught. Several feelings entered my mind, but the main was sadness. I didn't know who I was. I could read English, and I remembered Mathematics, however my past was blank.

The cold bit away at my face a little bit and I was thankful to be wearing the Ushanka, Balaclava, and goggles.

I pulled at the pistol which had a holster. I strapped the holster around my thigh and stuffed half of my clips into my red tiger camouflaged coat pockets. Then i pulled the GPS. Looking at it, i saw the red zone was a half mile west from my current position.

I had to go to this place, I had to know what was going on, there was no where else to go, the way I would know the answers the these questions is to go to this place. So I set off.

The landscape was magnificent, just like the sky; the beauty of the snowed valley warmed me up inside. The sky clouded up and a light flurry of snow floated down. Snow covered pine trees were all around me, I was in a forrest of wonder.

As I walked toward my destination I began to see figures in the shadows moving. I didn't feel fear, nor worry, just bliss. I knew, but I didn't know why, there was nothing to be afraid of.

I finally shined my flashlight into the blackness to where a figure was. It was a bipedal creature with white fur and black horns. It's black eyes looked into mine, it seemed to smile and I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. It stood 3 feet tall. When I moved towards it, it vanished into snow itself. The snow flowed like a stream of air in the opposite direction of me and it seemed to dance joyfully into the darkness.

I smiled and I felt happy. It was as if this creature was communicating with me, through emotions. I was in a world of wonderment, I questioned everything. But at the same time I was content being in that what seemed like a fantasy world.

I continued, however the terrain got stepper and i was moving uphill. After a few more minutes of walking I checked my map. The Red zone was just over this section of Elevation. The walk was a little rigorous and I felt my muscles ache.

After at least a half an hour of trudging uphill I saw the Red Zone at the bottom of the hill. It was a complex. There were 4 three-story small builders all centered around a large building five stories tall. The other smaller buildings looked like Log cabins but the building in the middle was Militaristic. it was made of stone and it had search lights on the top and I could see a Large helicopter on the roof of it. I thought it was a little strange, the search lights weren't moving and I couldn't see any movement in the village below.

I hoped there were people in there that could help me understand where I was and what was happening. But unlike the ice creature I just met, the village gave me a little bit of worry.

Questions raged through my mind...
What if the answers weren't there? What if there was death awaiting me there?
No. I was armed, there probably wasn't any law enforcement, it could be outlaws, but why tell me to go there? Am I a martyr for something bigger? But one thing was for certain, I had to go in there. I needed the answers.

I unholstered my pistol, pocketed my GPS, and walked down the hill towards the complex. Around the village was a chain linked fence with coiled razor wire on the top which obviously wasn't there for show. Although I didn't see anyone I was cautious. When i reached the fence there were no people in sight. I was alone. I finally let my guard down and followed the fence until I reached the gate.

The gate was cracked open and there was a sign that said RED ZONE on it, It was also written in another five different languages; not just english. I could read the German and I recognized French, Russian, Dutch, and Swedish. I assumed the other languages spelled RED ZONE as well.

It was open so I decided to let myself in. Finally inside what was called "The Red Zone" I started to one of the smaller buildings.

I moved across the pavement road that went between all the houses and the large building, still holding my pistol and my flashlight. A gut instinct told me to hold the pistol at the ready even though there probably wasn't anyone here, but I could never be too careful. I only had one life and I didn't plan on losing it.

As I approached the cabin there were steps leading up to the door. There was a light hovering over the steps but there were none on inside the house. I walked up to the door and shinned my flashlight inside of it. It was empty. No furniture, no lights, nothing but a fire place in the corner. I stepped down from the stairs and walked back to the road.

"Hello?!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

The only reply I got was from the wind. I walked back to the road. I remembered the GPS and I had hope that instructions came in.
I pulled off the back pack and opened up the satchel. I grabbed the GPS and hit the power button. The white arrow was in the red circle, then all of the sudden the screen flickered. A holographic blue woman's face appeared.

"Greeting: Hello zero-two, my name is Jana, how was your hike?" The woman said in a crystal clear voice.

"Can you hear me speak?" I asked it

"Reply: Yes zero-two, quite clearly in fact."

"Can you answer my questions?" I asked calm and collective.

"Reply: Of course, however there are somethings my programing does not permit me to answer."

"Who am I?" I asked finally relieved I would be getting some answers.

"Response: You are subject zero-two, of RED."

"What is with the color red? My coat and snow pants are red, my back pack is red, my pistol is even painted with red camo?" I asked curiously.

"Explanation: You are in group red. There are 4 groups in all... Blue, Green, Red, and Yellow. The Red group, which is your group, is of European ethnicity, you're fluent in German zero-two, am I correct?"


"Question: Do you have any other questions zero-two?"

"Why am I here?"

"Answer: You are apart of a social experiment, an experiment you signed up for."

"What is this experiment? Explain it to me."

"Annoyed response: I can't answer that zero-two," she replied.

"Well, what am I suppose to do?" I asked frustrated.

"Answer: Live, live here, raise your offspring, and try to find happiness," she answered.

"How can I raise offspring if there aren't any chicks? Am I suppose to find happiness alone?"

"Positive feedback: Zero-two, you have the honor of being here first, others will come. Nine other males and ten other females are transgressing the environment which you passed earlier."

"Where am I?"

"Answer: You are on Planet XO-425,"

"Never-mind that, I was told there'd be instructions once I got here," I stated.

"Annoyed Response: I have given you instructions already, there is something else you can do while you wait for the others."

"What?" I replied curiously.

"Answer: Go inside the main building. You'll find your answer in there. The code to unlock the door is 87465."

Jana's face disappeared and the map came back on. There was something new though. There were other arrows, these were Red Arrows and about 19 of them encircled the complex and pointed towards it. All were at different distances, the furthest one was twenty miles away and the closest was one mile away. I felt sorry for whomever was the farthest.

I hit the power button of the GPS and put it back in my pocket. I knew I was alone here so I holstered my pistol and started towards the main building. It was very large, made out of black bricks, and unlike the houses it looked impenetrable. The only windows it had were on the highest level. They looked more like for sticking a machine gun out of and not for show as there wasn't a glass window, it was completely metal. Once i reached the front of the building there was a large metal gate with a keypad on the side. I noticed the keypad's numbers glowing as I moved closer to it.

87465 I remembered.

I typed it in.



The large metal doors began to open and I heard the grind of metal as the gate slid up. Inside there were four large SUV's in a straight column coming at me. The SUV's were outfitted with Tracks instead wheels. On the front hood of the Red SUV's were the words "LAND ROVER". The garage went back very far and widened farther away. The lights were off so I looked around until i saw a switch. I finally found one and flicked it on. I looked back down the tunnel like garage. The tunnel went downwards and into a bigger garage. I didn't feel like I had the time to check things out so I opened the door that lead into a Hallway.

I went in and the hallway was very large. The lights were off so I used my flash light to see in the dark. The floor was white marble and the walls were brick. There was a sign at an intersection that said "SUBJECTS TO ROOM 4 FOR SELECTION". I lifted up my goggles and I walked toward the sign. Under the sign there was a map. When I looked at the map I saw just how large the building was. There were about 50 rooms in all; there were storage areas for Firearms, Ammunition, Medical Equipment, Gasoline, Food, Water, etc. The other rooms were an operating room, sleeping quarters, a pharmacy, a control room, a firing range, the garage which I saw, a briefing room, a vault, a radio room, shooting positions, a security center, a heated pool, a generator room, a gym, and an artificial green house. I saw room four on the map and it had no description.

Room four was just down the hallway. As I began to walk down the hallway I noticed security camera's all around me. I passed the other rooms, each door had a small rectangular vertical window in the center. I didn't bother peaking in, I wanted some more answers before experiencing the joy of exploring this incredible place.

I saw the light coming out of room four and I could see it didn't have a door. Inside was just brown cement, there was no marble, just a blank cement room with a wooden desk that had a black metal box on top of it and a chair. The chair triggered a memory. I had a flash back of my mother taking me to the dentist.

I remembered a chair just like that and the dentist asking me my name.
The words "Hallo wie heisst du?" echoed in my mind.
I remember being nervous but after that my memory was blank.

I snapped out of it noticed something different about the chair than the one at the dentist. It had a long metal arm that reached down from the ceiling and in front of the chairs head. I walked closer to examine it, and suddenly a blue hologram appeared of a woman that looked similar to Jana.

"Greeting: Hello zero-two, congratulations on being the first one here. You're given the privilege of choosing three out of sixty skills. Once you sit in the chair the metal arm you see will shine two concentrated beams of information into your pupils and in a second you'll choose what skills you want, you'll take your time of course, it might feel like a few minutes or even an hour if you choose to consider your choices that long, but back here on XO-425 it'll be a second at most. You're so lucky to be first because you get to choose whatever you want. The other subjects won't be able to choose the ones you've picked. So sit down and select what you want." Said the AI.

I took off my goggles and backpack and placed them on the floor. I then preceded to sit in the chair not knowing what I would experience.

A robotic sounding voice said "LAY BACK."

I complied and lied back in the chair.


The metal arm moved in front of my eyes. I noticed two long laser's in the front of the arm.

It counted down.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1" it said.

Suddenly I saw numbers, then letters. Words raced through my mind. I was flowing through a sea of numbers, noises, and visuals of things. Then I stopped moving suddenly and I felt like I was underwater. The numbers and everything else disappeared. Then a menu came up. The menu was made up of categories which included, Medicinal, Combat, Mechanical, Social, Intelligence, Electronics, and Farming. I looked down to see my body and it was as if i was floating in a black abyss with a green lit up menu in front of me. I moved my hand to touch Combat.

Another menu pulled up, the list read:

Back to Other Categories

Small Arms Marksmanship

Rifle Marksmanship

Sniper Rifle Marksmanship

Machine gun Marksmanship

Stealth Lethality


Knife Fighting

Hand to Hand Combat

Firearm Assembly

I moved my arm and I hit Sniper Rifle Marksmanship. Just as soon as I pressed it on the menu I was hit with an avalanche of information. I knew how to calculate distance, I knew what the coriolis effect was and how it was differed on the surface of Earth and XO-425. The velocity of a .50 caliber rifle to a .22 with a mounted scope. I knew the name of 100 sniper rifles and their history. I knew how many bullets to a standard clip for 100 rifles. Everything came to me at once and I was at awe.

I wanted to learn more and I wanted to check out the other categories. I told myself if nothing else was good enough I would drown myself in being a master in combat.

I clicked "Back to Other Categories" and the main menu came up. This time I chose Medicinal.

The Medicinal List read:

Back to Other Categories


Body Surgery

Brain Surgery

Field Medical Assistance


None of these interested me so I clicked back and went to Social.

August 25th, 2010, 10:14 AM
It's an interesting concept, but honestly, reading it puts me in mind of a narrative description of you playing an FPS or the like. It doesn't appeal to me because if I wanted that, I would just play it myself.

I think my main problem with it is that you're mostly stating what's happening instead of using the character as your medium to explore the world. I'm not interested in a list of what's in your backpack, I want to know what stands out to you. Does seeing a pistol shock you? Or does holding it feel oddly comfortable? Do the Marlboro reds make you crave a smoke? When you look at yourself, what thoughts are running through your mind?

It really feels like it's missing a human element to it, the thing that makes you connect with the character and empathise with him.

Anyway, hope that's somewhat helpful!