PDA

View Full Version : "Pseudo-God"



Lamperoux
August 24th, 2010, 11:41 PM
Well, its a short prologue, but it took me a little while to get all my ideas together. This is a bit of a write as i go thing, as i only have the main idea ready so far.


Siegfried stood alone, on the barren ground. His jet black armor was torn, and his long blonde hair had been mangled. His spear’s long shaft was split, his sword bent, and his bow without arrows. He was in no shape to fight, and he had no will to do so.
The heavens heaved, and poured down rained upon him. He stooped to his knees, his feet having tired. Even then, the vitality-draining sorrow within him was not satisfied. Tears ran along his face, hopelessness along the curves of his cheek. Then, a soft voice as that of a woman’s spoke to him. Siegfried, heroic warrior, such unmerited sorrow fills you.
Had he gone mad? Voices of maidens chiming pitying phrases into his head? “Who…who is that?” he said in a soft voice, unbefitting of a warrior of his demeanor.
Call me what you may, I am one who offers you power.
“What is power when my heart is heavy with grief.”
I offer you more than power. I offer you immortality, I offer you the chance to purge your sins with time.
“Purge my sins…” his interest in this goddess was ignited.
I offer you something that will put you above men, and above gods. I offer you more than you could ever know.
“All things come at a price, goddess. What is yours? You must have a reason for this, do you not.”
I am a being whose desires will remain unknown to you. You will be not a servant, not a pawn in a game. You will be a god, an immortal. I offer you to share in my power, and when time comes, share in my burden. In return, you will receive great power. I cannot offer you certainty of salvation from your sorrows, but I offer you your only option for it.
“So you will not assure me anything, goddess?”
No, I can offer you a chance for salvation, for renewal, but I cannot offer you assurance of it.
“I see.”
So, what is your answer to me, Siegfried.
“Goddess, I am a mere man with a heavy heart. Any chance for salvation, I will take.”
So be it, said the voice, and a great flash of light came and blinded Siegfried.
***
i'm not sure if the italics will come in, and sorry if they don't because that is the main way that you can tell if Siegfried or the "goddess" is talking. Also, i need an ancient or medieval civilization to place this guy in. Right now, i'm leaing towards Nordic Culture, but if you have a suggestion, please do tell. My grammar may be pretty bad, so if there's alto of mistakes please try to be nice... Hopefully it's interesting. Thanks for the help in advance.

Bruno Spatola
August 25th, 2010, 12:07 AM
He stooped to his knees. -- I think stooped just means bending over forwards, I don't think you can stoop to your knees.

His jet black armor was torn -- Can you tear metal? I've never heard of black metal though, so he is probably wearing fur armour which can tear, but it's not obvious to people who aren't very familiar with armour.

The "Maiden" or whoever she is, would seem much more mysterious if you didn't put speech marks around her "speech." If you just keep it in italics, it gives off the impression Siegfried is actually hearing it within his own mind, which adds more mystery to both story and character.

Overall it's good, but it's quite familiar to stuff like Beowulf and Conan, so you are at risk of making it overly similar.

Break up your text a bit because it just looks like a big block of words as it is, which can make some people immediately leave a thread, because they can't be bothered to read through it.

Lamperoux
August 25th, 2010, 12:27 AM
ahh, i wasn't very good at descirbing the armor. Well, It is supposed to be mail, and its torn by something that isn't exactly human. I'm trying to give my character a beowulf-ish aura. Though don't worry, the next part will skip straght ahead into the modern day.

Bruno Spatola
August 25th, 2010, 12:30 AM
That makes the character much more palpable, knowing what armour he is wearing. Is this going to be like Assassins Creed then? An ancestor of Siegfried in the present day, or the maiden sent Siegfried into the future or something? Good luck anyway.

Lamperoux
August 25th, 2010, 12:40 AM
no, he's immoortal, he's lived all the way o the present time period. And he messes up pretty bad, gets involed in some of the worst events in history...

the story is redemption, a mystery about a strange woman he calls "goddess", and i'm going to mix in a whole lot of action.

thanks

Lamperoux
August 27th, 2010, 02:00 AM
Well here's the second part of it. There's a bit of foul language. Hopefully i've gotten someone's interest with this.

***
Siegfried was in a black abyss. Nothing was in front of him, and nothing behind him. Once again, as over a millennia ago, a woman’s voice beckoned him. Siegfried.
“You again,” he said softly to himself.
Awaken, more battles yet await you…
Siegfried got up from his bed, in a cold sweat. This goddess had not spoken to him in many years. Something must have been happening. He got out of his bed and went into the bathroom, to wash his face. Dousing his face with some cold water was refreshing and woke him up, he looked at his wet countenance in the mirror. He remembered himself from years before, centuries before. His hair had changed from its golden hue, to a deep, crimson red, like the blood he has so many times spilled. He had kept his long hair and trimmed his beard into a goatee. His eyes had even changed. After his vision with the goddess, they had become a golden coloration.
He heard the doorbell ring. At this hour?, he thought. Siegfried dried his face, put on a shirt, and answered the door. In front of him was a dark skinned man with a gray beard and a white streak running through his hair. “Siegfried Von Huessen?” He asked.
“That’s my name,” he responded.
“My name is Elijah Sommers, I need you to come with me, Mr. Von Huessen.”
“Umm, am I being arrested or something?” Siegfried asked.
“No, Mr. Von Huessen—”
“Just say Siegfried,” He cut him off, annoyed with the formality.
“I am a government authority, and we would like you to come with us.”
There was silence for a second. “Ummm…” Siegfried looked at him, expecting something.
“What?”
“You gonna show me a badge or anything?”
“Oh!” he pulled out a card, clearly from some sort of organization. The seal upon the card was unknown to him, though. He was hesitant to come.
“Well let me get ready.” He closed the door and when into his bedroom. Hmm, I better take them with me. Siegfried grabbed a pen from atop a table next to his bed. He opened the pen and took out the thin plastic tube within. He took the tube and opened the last drawer on the table. At the very back of the table, there was a small hole, in which he placed the tube. He pushed it down until it made a small click and the base of the drawer opened slightly, enough for him to remove it. Inside was a suitcase. He took it out and unlocked it. Inside was a pair of large, silver revolver-esque guns with double barrels and a blue gem-like orb embedded at the base of the barrels.
He took out the handguns and went into his closet. Inside, he felt around the wall, and finally pushed a square section of it in. From inside, he grabbed a large case, about his size. He quickly placed the handguns within and closed the case.
Siegfried, took out a black trench coat from his closet and wore that, also donning on the large case to his back with ease. He reopened the door, meeting Sommers. “Ready,” he said.
“What’s the case for,” he asked.
“Just in case I stay over with you too long.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to check what’s inside.”
“Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to stay at home.”
Sommers knew he wouldn’t be able to force Siegfried without making a show in the middle of the night. The last thing that he needed to do was to attract a show. “Just come with me. A colleague of yours is already in my car.”
“Colleague? I don’t have any colleagues. I only have a bitchy agent.”
“Is the name of this bitchy agent Jeanette Lictraza?”
“You didn’t.” Siegfried became faint, he put his hands over his face and almost wanting to claw at it, said, “Why? Why?.” He grabbed Elijah by the shoulders and shook him, “Are you a fuckin’ madman!?”
“No, but I’m starting to think that you are, sir.” Siegfried let go of him, and followed him. In the car, sitting in the backseat was a woman with long blonde hair, and calm blue eyes. She had high cheeks and a voluptuous build. It was Jeanette, waiting impatiently.
He noticed someone else in the car, another woman with long dark hair waiting in the front passenger seat. When she noticed that Elijah had come back with Siegfried, she came out of the car to greet them. “Hello Mr. Van Huessen,” she have an unnaturally powerful handshake.
“Siegfried, just call me Siegfried, and your name?”
“Valerie Cornett, pleasure to meet you Siegfried.”
“Well, we should get into the car,” Elijah interrupted. Siegfried went into the backseat with Jeanette, though it took a little while to fit in his weapons cache. When they were settled, Siegfried made his usual greeting to Jeanette, “What have you gotten me into this time?” he whispered to her, so as not to alert Sommers and Cornett in the front seats.
“I’ve done nothing this time,” she replied.
“Well, do at least know why we’re here?”
“Sieg, I’m as clueless as you right now.” The rest of the car ride was silent. After so many centuries Siegfried had become accustomed to odd situations. Even the situation that led to who he could casually measure time in centuries was very mysterious even now. No text or tome could explain what had happened to him.
“We’re here,” Elijah said, unbuckling his seatbelt. Siegfried and Jeanette got out of the vehicle as well.
“Where exactly is here?” Jeanette asked him.
“Just follow us and you will see.”
They were in a parking lot, in front of a building they had never seen. The ride was too short to have gone outside of the city, further perplexing him as to what this was. They went into this seemingly simple structure, to be amazed that within was a complex security system. Elijah entered a password that probably numbered 30 or 40 digits in total. Inside was a state of the art government facility. “Welcome to to the 54th branch of the ICA, or International Crisis Agency for short.”
“I’m an international crisis?” Siegfried asked.
“No, but you are an international mystery, Mr. Van Huess—”
“Just call me SIEGFRIED for God’s sake.”
Sommers sighed. “Come with us.”
Siegfried and Jeanette followed the pair of officials.
***
well what ya think? Please tell me, respond and give any suggestions. Btw, Any suggestion that would help make this more reader firendly is good, and a means in which to do it also apprectiated.

@bruno, i'm not exactly sure how i can break up the text, could you elaborate please? Thanks in advance.

Lamperoux
August 27th, 2010, 05:10 AM
As i'm writing this, i'm realizing that it's going to be much longer than a short story or a novella. I think now, i'm going to have to scrathc everyhting and start over. use the 'snowflake method' or whatever it's called and try to organize the mess in my brain. I don't think i've disspointed anyone with this...but it's still fun to write it as if someone does!

ArcThomas
August 28th, 2010, 03:21 AM
I read your prologue. But since your staring over.. thank you for saving me the time. :P

In regards. I do in fact like your theme. It's liek greek mythology. but better because you don't have real peopel worshipping fairytales.
However, I would like to hear a more inspiring true God like responce. though not terrible work thus far.. And more of his reaction. Perhaps there is no responce the first time he calls. But his faith dampers. and then it call him once more and there is no doubt left.. Thus the goddess answers his question. Being unfaithful renders no response.

If you ahve a real conflict. good go of it. I'd go Korean / Mongol. Traveled to the europes and is now in America. Thus his ancestry is foreign ancient.

Lamperoux
August 28th, 2010, 04:10 AM
He calls her goddess, a as he knows nothing else ot call her. I may change it to calling her "Mary" as the Goths, had become christians at that time. But i'm afraid it may be too offensive. This goddess is a supernatural force, nothing to do with faith, she and another character known as 'god' are the anithesis of the well know ndivine beings which are benevolent. These are rather manipulative forces. A character goes thorugh a conflict in which he realizes that no god would ask for him to kill...etc. but that's something else.
form a mytholgovial standpoint, there's not much, as goths are christians really.

Lamperoux
August 28th, 2010, 04:10 AM
but thank you very much for your response

ArcThomas
August 28th, 2010, 04:28 AM
I say that because I know something about faith.
and I've got a rather fine understanding of Greek mythology.

Lamperoux
August 28th, 2010, 04:17 PM
I plan ONe character to encounter a more true god-like being, not a manipulative one, to balance out. It remains if i can fit it in the story.
To story also emphasizes that the Goddess does not offer him redemption from his actions. He has to confront his past, to save his future from falling apart. How about i PM you some of my notes so you get the idea of my story?

ArcThomas
August 29th, 2010, 01:15 PM
Sure. but I understand the redemtion part. he has to act on it of his own accord. regardless, I hope you well, but wont be having time to follow this much more. not that i wont per say.

Lamperoux
August 29th, 2010, 08:59 PM
i'll make a new thread for you to follow wehn i begin writing. Can i PM you a spreadsheet to look over and proof for me? I like to have all my events plannedo ut beforehand.

Lamperoux
August 29th, 2010, 09:33 PM
okay i sent it