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Brendan M
August 24th, 2010, 11:06 PM
Important Note:
Since there is little dialogue in this piece, and the latter usage of dialogue may ruin the atmosphere if read without knowledge of the following song, I plead that you listen to it before, or during (preferably during), reading. Also, although the pace one reads at varies greatly and is also dependent upon the structure of the piece one's reading, I ask that you read this relatively slowly. It's a short piece, and it's not meant to be read quickly. If my structuring is contrary to this desire, I'd appreciate some constructive criticism very much.

Song:
YouTube - Buckethead - Padmasana (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Nj1D2y-PY8)

Wow...
Hi, guys. This is the first time in a long time I've attempted to do anything even moderately creative, so I apologise if the standard is really low (not a flimsy kind of modesty - genuine concern).


Padmasana

She hung over the cascade as droplets of snow willfully perished on her still face, her sadly dark eyes mirroring a landscape of unspoken, ignored beauty. Pearly grass twinkled underneath the moonlight's gaze and stretched toward the black sky despite itself. Outstretching her arms, her lips danced to the sound of silence as loneliness enveloped her. A single tear slid down her aching cheek and plumetted into the grass below, leaving a glistening line trailing from her eye to nowhere. The soul deep within the rigid, empty caverns of her spirit conjoured a murmer of sorrow.

"I love you." No response. Just the faint trickling of the tiny, endless waterfall drifted around her freezing ears. No more tears could be shed from her exhausted eyes. Instead, her feet freely let themselves relax, and her knees fell to the expanse of a white-once-green surface below. It cushioned her fall and comforted her. She was safe there. The vastness of mountains, rivers, forests, cities and worlds presented itself to her and she could not help resisting its perfection. He was not with her. A more tragically ironic moment could not have been witnessed: she finally knew what it meant to be one with nature and to allow love consume her, but she had no one but herself to share it with. No couple of parents stood vigilant on the mountaintops; no party of hilarious teenagers amid the thrashing rivers; no mysterious strangers wandered the forests; no whores or businessmen attended the cities; and his hand did not wish to accompany hers to explore the unknown worlds. The cruel reality of nature impacted her so heavily that she found her breath only here and there; choking on the gentle strangle the power of Earth wrapped around her delicate body.

She slowly swooped one of her hands underneath the water's descent and parted it slightly. She shivered as the cold temperature forced her heart to pump faster; to sustain her - nothing else would. A breeze carried by the air around her weaved in and out of her fingers and brushed her face. It whispered to her, "Padmasana, my dear." She glanced to the minute pool of water below and how it continued to gather there from the spilling dribbles above, becoming one and dividing only because love guided it to. One last teardrop sundered from her eye and subsided into the pool as she careened over the cascade, diminishing into forever.

eternalteenager
August 26th, 2010, 07:46 PM
Wow, I liked that a lot. It was very descriptive, something that I am a fan of.

I really did like it very much. You did a phenomenal job. :D

Dreamworx95
August 27th, 2010, 12:08 AM
Well I can see why this was meant to be read at a slow pace. I listened to the music while I read it. I can't say I have much to offer. You've pretty much got this nailed down. It's very emotionally powerful. And the last dialogue didn't ruin the atmosphere at all.

Sorry I don't have a lot of suggestions. This seems very complete to me.

Jon M
August 27th, 2010, 12:41 AM
I thought it was overwritten. So much in fact that I had difficulty understanding the story because the description was so thick. I'm not much of a fan of writing that is adverb-heavy, so that is where I'd probably start for a revision.

Kill your darlings, as they say.

Dreamworx95
August 27th, 2010, 12:52 AM
I didn't think it was overwritten at all. In fact, most of the conflict here is an inner thing that isn't shown through the dialogue, so all the narrative part of this is necessary.

ArcThomas
August 27th, 2010, 01:29 AM
God be with you.

Jon M
August 27th, 2010, 01:33 AM
I didn't think it was overwritten at all. In fact, most of the conflict here is an inner thing that isn't shown through the dialogue, so all the narrative part of this is necessary.


She hung over the cascade as droplets of snow willfully perished on her still face. her sadly dark eyes mirroring a landscape of unspoken, ignored beauty.I don't mind the lack of dialogue. I just think the writing could be pruned. Even 'perished' is pushing it a little far, in my book. But I didn't follow the reading rules, so maybe I don't get it. :wink:

ArcThomas
August 27th, 2010, 01:40 AM
Well fearsatan.
think of it this way. She's crying. it's hard to think. it's just detail.
I took a god stand in it. I don't know if it's a boy girl thing or not... very relatable
not enough detail Brendan.

The Backward OX
August 27th, 2010, 01:51 AM
I find it totally impossible to do two things simultaneously, so if itís okay with you Iíll just read the story and give YuToob a miss. Iím certainly good at slow reading, so that might compensate.

Okay, I see what youíre getting at here, and overall the message gets through. But in getting there, youíve made some glaring errors. If you have an urge to write this type of stuff, you need to ensure the message doesnít get swamped by your desire for flowery writing.

As well as some spelling and grammar mistakes - which I wonít go into - I found the following:




Pearly grass twinkled underneath the moonlight's gaze and stretched toward the black sky despite itself

1. Moonlight cannot gaze. The moon can.
2. Grass stretched toward the sky?



The soul deep within the rigid, empty caverns of her spirit conjoured a murmer of sorrow.

This is what I meant by losing the message in floweriness. This is gobbledygook.



No couple of parents stood vigilant on the mountaintops

Are you implying two lots of parents - four people in total, or just two people in total? Either way, why not simply Ďno parentsí?



no whores or businessmen attended the cities

This is out of sync with all the other references to people in the forest.


In summary, this is not the type of writing one can attempt on an impromptu basis. It needs dedication.

Cheers

ArcThomas
August 27th, 2010, 05:18 AM
ahaha. Ox you are old.
a moon can gaze. and yet moon light can't. My rock can though. lol