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Waste.
August 21st, 2010, 06:46 PM
Sorry for posting another thing but I really need some advice on this. It's the first time that my main characters have met and I want it to seem compulsive, as if they have no other choice but to do what they do. You know?

This is the first story that I have been serious about for some time now so I want to know if I have at least got the very beginning right. Just let me know <3

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Kadie was about to head home when the crowd around her thickened and blocked her path. She hated the market. There were always far too many people who moved like cattle. This morning they had all decided to stop and move together as if they were trying to see something. The shouting came again and then the people in front of her began to shift nervously from side to side. She could tell that something was coming, but as she was rather small Kadie couldn’t see it until the people in front of her moved aside and it collided with her.

The force of a running boy hitting her sent her flying backwards. Her bag of food and drink fell from her hand and split open sending pools of milk and chunks of bread across the cobbles. She cried out as she hit the ground, knowing that her back would be bruised. The boy had tripped and hovered above her now, his hands either side of her head. She wanted to wriggle out from under him but his grey eyes had pinned her down. His pale face was outlined by a shag of thick black hair and he was smiling widely. There was a shout that she couldn’t quite make out, he bit his lip, another shout and he rolled off of her and got to his feet. He took her hand and pulled her up. She smiled up at him as he grinned down at her, for a moment the sounds of the market fell to a murmur. The one thing that stood out was the thud of heavy boots. She peered around him.

He stood with his back to the channel that the crowd had made. Two soldiers of The Law were running up it. They shouted at the boy to stop. “You should go.” She said quietly, her eyes on his, their silver gleam cutting into her.

“I should.” He breathed as he moved around her, she turning with him to watch him go. Then with his back to her he shook his dark head and turned back to her. He reached out and took her hand.

“Come with me.”

Something about his grip, gently tugging her forward, and the pleading in his light grey eyes made her step towards him. And then they were running.

defenestrator
August 25th, 2010, 02:51 AM
It's a bit hard to give an opinion on this, as I don't know the characters' personalities at all - I've just been thrown into a meeting between them.

From where I stand, it seems rather forced - she was doing her shopping, someone knocks her over and her stuff has gone everywhere, and then she just runs off with him? I mean, I get the idea of love-at-first-sight, but I just find it odd that she would ignore her shopping and all the money wasted, not to mention whoever she was running the errand for. What is her motivation, other than "he appeals to me"?

Other than that, I also thought there were some awkward descriptions, such as "they had all decided to stop and move together". I find it an odd description for a crowd - I would have assumed that if they were looking to see what was going on, it would be a mess of movement, people pushing and squeezing to try and get a better view. That gives me the impression of something like a bunch of cells moving in unison, which doesn't seem to fit a market crowd.

Sorry, I know this seems more like criticism and nothing else, but given that there's nothing more than a short snippet, I can't really comment on the overall story or flow. ^^;