View Full Version : suicide

un named
July 23rd, 2010, 07:49 PM
Big beautiful brown eyes
full of regret,
and an ocean of tears.

On her knees, can't even breathe
Choking on her own tears.
She'll never see that sweet smile again.

Dreams of her daughter in a white dress.
Dreams of grandkids, and her daughter's happiness,
all as dead as disco, and record players.

If only she could've kissed away the scars
and hugged away
her daughters pain.

Mommy couldn't protect her though.
Couldn't save her
from the cruelness in this world

Sirens screaming like children in the distance,
but they're too late,
too late to save her.

Chesters Daughter
July 23rd, 2010, 09:00 PM
Wow, this is hauntingly sad, un named. You've duly tugged my heartstrings for both Mom and daughter. Loved the alliteration in S1. A few minor nits. In S2, insert a comma after knees and a period after tears. In S3, typo in hugged, and daughters should be daughter's. In S5, there should be they're, and either a comma or semicolon (not sure which) after late and a period after her, and another after world in S4. Despite being a little light on imagery, it gut punched me, which means you've done your job well.


un named
July 23rd, 2010, 09:18 PM
Lisa, thank you, im glad you enjoyed it. I fixed all the grammer mistakes, and the typo. Grammer and spelling are my greatest weaknesses. I even did spell checker but somehow it still wasn't right. lol.

July 23rd, 2010, 10:04 PM
As a mom, this stirred up emotions inside me. I agree with Lisa, the imagery could be stronger, but there's no doubt that it has an emotional impact. I think maybe you need an 'e' at the end of breath in order for it to make more sense. You aren't alone with the punctuation problems, I still struggle at times. :(

un named
July 23rd, 2010, 11:27 PM
Gumby, its good to know I'm not alone. Thank you for the tips, and I added a little bit of imagery, but I'm trying to think of more, so its a work in progress :)

July 24th, 2010, 12:33 AM
un named, this reached me deeply as I know someone who committed suicide. You portrayed the helplessness of the mother very well.

Sirens screaming like children in the distance,
but they're too late,
too late to save her.
I read "wonderful" imagery, here.

Thank you so much for the read. Laurie

Chesters Daughter
July 24th, 2010, 12:53 AM
Double thumbs up on the addition, un named. Punctuation touch up, period after dress, comma after happiness, lowercase for all. Wonderful inclusion, love.

July 24th, 2010, 01:01 AM
Very good additions, un named! I like the lines Laurie quoted too, the sirens screaming like children is a good solid image. :)

un named
July 24th, 2010, 01:06 AM
Laurie, thank you im glad you saw the hoplesness, which was what I was going for most of all. The emotions of the mother.

Lisa, glad you liked the addition and thanks for the help with punctuation.

Gumbie, thanks, and I'm glad you liked the additions the last line was my favorite too, but I wasn't sure if the stanza that I added fit right.

Jehramie McLain
September 28th, 2010, 12:05 AM
Well done un named. I agree very haunting, but pulls on your emotions, even when you can't relate directly to the topic. I love poetry that makes me want to read it again.