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MisterSpider
July 23rd, 2010, 07:58 AM
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vangoghsear
July 23rd, 2010, 11:55 AM
This very neatly walks the line between archaic and edgy. You set the archaic tone with the first "O!", but then you set up the nifty little rhyme pattern and modern banter. The word choices are complex and fit the feel of the poetry quite well in my opinion. The metaphor works well also and I like the way you turn it around at the end in the same way an recovering alcoholic might think they can take just one drink without having to take another. No crits at this time. Good one, MS.

Gumby
July 23rd, 2010, 03:07 PM
I liked this a lot MisterSpider. The rythm never falters and the words flow smoothly, and like van, I think the metaphor works very well here.
Nice!

I really like the double meaning in this line.


you shall fear me and revere me when the tide is turned my way.

SilverMoon
July 23rd, 2010, 03:46 PM
MS, there "is" a nice edge to this piece and was struck by some of your imagery:

Good tempo!

as you prattle on and rattle on your golden tambourine.

I love egg tempera sheen

I'm your Venus of Urbino with an egg tempera sheen

Intense, clever and I have to say my favorite.

and you throw me in a bottle and you drink me till you’re green.

Great job. Laurie

MisterSpider
July 24th, 2010, 08:03 PM
I haven't been in the mood to write poems lately but I was able to force this one out of myself a few nights ago. Good to know the archaicness wasn't too much. How can you not be slightly archaic when addressing Bacchus? It's impossible.

Thanks to everyone for comments.

Gumby
July 24th, 2010, 08:43 PM
I haven't been in the mood to write poems lately but I was able to force this one out of myself a few nights ago. Good to know the archaicness wasn't too much. How can you not be slightly archaic when addressing Bacchus? It's impossible.

Thanks to everyone for comments.

I think that only added to it's charm, MisterSpider.

vangoghsear
July 25th, 2010, 02:10 PM
Good to know the archaicness wasn't too much. How can you not be slightly archaic when addressing Bacchus? It's impossible.
This is what impressed me. That inherent, potentially problematic, issue was nicely handled.

MisterSpider
August 1st, 2010, 10:14 PM
Thanks. I am sending this off somewhere soon.

Gumby
August 1st, 2010, 11:44 PM
Thanks. I am sending this off somewhere soon.


Good luck to you! :)