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around
July 21st, 2010, 06:54 AM
ddddd

Kat
July 21st, 2010, 08:51 AM
Please capitalize I- at least, a nitpick for me.

I always figured that stream of consciousness was more of a starting point, not the end all. I mean if you want to work this into a cohesive piece then you have plenty of juicy bits to work with. The ending is quite nice. You've got a basic idea there.

Smoke in my eyes made me laugh, been there. But I didn't feel that it matched the same kind of emotional tone that other parts did. It has a bittersweet feel that you can expand on.

But right now it reads like a journal entry of mismatched pages.