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chez1710
July 20th, 2010, 11:53 AM
now invisible arms hold me back
and I am scared to wriggle out,
like quicksand, perhaps,
like an ever-tightening knot around my waist,
pressed against my gut-
oh! how it wrenches me back-

a surge of life rushes through me as I bolt against the wall,
to which I am tied,
in a dismal, hopeless cell,
with the glowing butt-end of a cigarette
and an insect.

darling, perhaps you recollect
a pastoral time when once we ran together-
a time when laughter flowed like water after every word-
it was not perfect, let me assert,
yet heaven could be painted time and time again.

(Why did we stop painting?)

do I still strike upon your mind? What was shielded
by your pride, your paralysing pride?

hopes and desires were discarded on a bedroom floor,
during your night-time resolution,
whilst I said my night-time prayers,
and we both believed ourselves to be the victim.

and now, I wait,
in the case of my own consciousness,
unable to discover more.

around
July 21st, 2010, 07:02 AM
i like this a lot, especially when looked at as one holistic piece. i really like the use of punctuation in this; exclamation points, dashes, parentheses. i also appreciate the sentences divided by lines. very nice!

Kat
July 21st, 2010, 08:44 AM
a surge of life rushes through me as I bolt against the wall,
to which I am tied,
in a dismal, hopeless cell,
with the glowing butt-end of a cigarette
and an insect.

I think you could cull this whole stanza without losing any meaning or emotion.


darling, perhaps you recollect
a pastoral time when once we ran together-
a time when laughter flowed like water after every word-
it was not perfect
, let me assert,
And this also, it is stating the obvious. You don't need it.


(Why did we stop painting?) I enjoyed the fact that this was the only line capitalized. It really makes a point and carries a heavier emotional note because of that. But if you choose to go that way,then What in the next line shouldn't be capitalized either.


do I still strike upon your mind? What was shielded
by your pride, your paralyzing pride? You can remove the first pride, simply what was shielded by your paralyzing pride. Also paralyzing was misspelled.


hopes and desires were discarded on a bedroom floor,
during your night-time resolution,
whilst I said my night-time prayers.
so, under the winter chestnut tree,
I betrayed you and you betrayed me.
and we both believed ourselves to be the victim.Could substitute one night- bed-time prayers, or evening resolution...whatever. I really like the last two lines here though-makes me think of previous relationships.


and now, I wait,
in my lonely cage of consciousness,
where I can learn nothing more. The ending is kind of weak. You could cut this whole ending and just stop with the previous stanza which is much stronger. Or rework the end- it's your piece. You have a very heavy emotional piece and then the ending was a bit of a let down.

Overall it flows pretty well, the sentiment is nicely worded and there are some beautiful lines.

vangoghsear
July 23rd, 2010, 02:36 PM
Loved the title. Before I read it, it brought to mind a couple moving into their first apartment or house, painting the rooms with, well, paint at first, then with joy, laughter, but then the laughter went away, then the joy, then they stopped doing things together.