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Edgewise
July 20th, 2010, 02:42 AM
You are so fond of your synopsis,
plotted with odd strokes of intent,
expecting others to decode symbols
and the coordinates of your history.

You love to splash in your philosophy
and you play the sage so naturally,
but I, for one, am certain
that your certainty
will be our death.

We have shared the same old burden,
cloistered behind routine and words,
sought shelter in rare company
dancing to every twist and turn

but too much baggage for two to handle,
we both wear it on our smiles,
too much to know a happy peak
and guess who tired of the climb?
















?: Angsty, mediocre, both or neither?

JJNeil1991
July 20th, 2010, 04:38 AM
I am quite a fan of this, the title gave me great intrigue.

Love this particular phrase:


but too much baggage for two to handle,
we both wear it on our smiles,

Greatly visual, and overall, quite angsty. (If thats what you were going for, which I revel in when poetry is concerned :D) Very broody and dour, like it very much.

Martin
July 20th, 2010, 10:02 AM
Edge, I think get this and I relate. Nice work and in my understanding it ebbs of personal growth. Thanks for sharing.

I might be conservative regarding form and such, but even content-wise, that last line should go. I think the question should be answered solely by the reader. At least that's what I did...

Edgewise
July 22nd, 2010, 05:27 AM
Thanks for the comments. I'll seriously consider your suggestion Martin.

TruthSeeker
July 22nd, 2010, 04:03 PM
No comments from my side, only the encouragement to write more of such a smooth and nicely structured piece. nice work!

vangoghsear
July 22nd, 2010, 07:16 PM
This is smooth, yet there is an underlying tension that fits so well with the title. No crits at this point. Nice to read you again, Edge.

SilverMoon
July 22nd, 2010, 09:59 PM
Edge, I have to agree with JJ. The atmopsphere of your piece is delightfully booding. As a fan of dark and thought provoking material it was a great read. I found the following bitingly trenchant. Loved it. Laurie


You love to splash in your philosophy
and you play the sage so naturally,
but I, for one, am certain
that your certainty
will be our death.

Gumby
July 22nd, 2010, 10:44 PM
Can't see a single thing I would change, Edge. Good work!

Chesters Daughter
July 23rd, 2010, 08:45 PM
This is as smooth as aged scotch and a delight to read aloud, your flow is flawless. Definitely not mediocre nor overly angsty, but take the latter with a grain of salt, I'm a morbid creature. Especially partial to S3, simply brilliant, and the wording in entirety is to die for. Tremendous effort, Edge, and much enjoyed.

Edgewise
July 24th, 2010, 09:49 PM
Thanks all. The praise is surprising.