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MeeQ
July 19th, 2010, 02:59 PM
Friendship lasts an age they say
but who are They to say?
Dreams can be achieved or cracked -
too much like whips and leather.

To simply agree to not agree
an answer delays all questions.
Holding the query, as weapon for folly
is an answer deep in thee.

No this is not for you, but me
and for me this is all for you.
Understanding the game of life
cares not to set you free.

So goodnight my kids of Saturn;
my planetary children.
Don’t you seek the still of life
but the life else-wise to seek.

Goodnight my kids of Saturn, goodnight.

rainhands
July 19th, 2010, 11:31 PM
Hey MeeQ,

I see you’ve been here for a while, so hopefully you’re more used to criticism. The thing that bogs this poem down for me is how generalised the language is. Really, only the whips and leather line gives any sort of concrete, material grounding. It deals with the big themes, ‘the game of life’, etc, but I tend to prefer poems which handle these larger subjects through the smaller, intimate, every day world. A poem composed entirely in the abstract, with little interesting imagery or verb choice, never really impacts me that hard. I start reading here and the twisted syntax of some lines tries to sound clever, but just ends up muddled in my mind, e.g. ‘No this is not for you, but me/ and for me this is all for you.’ Hm? There’s also no structure to the rhyme scheme, the meter is all over the place, and the use of ‘thee’ just sounds really archaic and, well, a bit pretentious for a poem composed in the 21st century I guess. In the end it feels a little false, a little overly-poetic, a little like its trying too hard.

Anyway, if you write mostly for yourself, feel free to ignore my advice. But if you want to improve your writing to a standard it could realistically be published at, I really would consider trying your hand some concrete poems involving the senses. Do you read much contemporary poetry? That’s probably my top recommendation. Good luck,

-R

MeeQ
July 20th, 2010, 04:11 AM
overly-poetic

You can't be serious?!

SilverMoon
July 20th, 2010, 03:27 PM
Hi, MeeQ. I thought your poem quite excellent. It is thought provoking and even a bit on the philosphical side.
e.g.


Understanding the game of life
cares not to set you free.
I love it!


No this is not for you, but me
and for me this is all for you.
I read this, in particular, over a few times and I gather you're saying, and correct me if I'm worng, that the "you" is the only one for "someone", despite the odds of life.


So goodnight my kids of Saturn
I wish this could read "So goodnight my "children" of Saturn" but notice you have "children" in your closing line which is to close to that line: Maybe it could read something along the lines of:

Goodnight my "youth" of Saturn, goodnight.

You struck a nice balance throughout and it was a pleasure to read. Laurie

Gumby
July 20th, 2010, 03:41 PM
My favorites are the first two stanza's:



Friendship lasts an age they say
but who are They to say?
Dreams can be achieved or cracked -
too much like whips and leather.

To simply agree to not agree
an answer delays all questions.
Holding the query, as weapon for folly
is an answer deep in thee.

rainhands
July 20th, 2010, 05:29 PM
You can't be serious?!

srsly

MisterSpider
July 20th, 2010, 06:18 PM
Sorry, MeeQ, but this is absolute gibberish. Lines like "No this is not for you, but me and for me this is all for you" and "Don’t you seek the still of life but the life else-wise to seek" are displays of bungled language. And what is this children of Saturn nonsense?

SilverMoon
July 20th, 2010, 06:46 PM
Mr. Spider, I see that you're new to participating on this board. Your constructive critisizm is always welcome. But is the following constructive or even enlightening?


this is absolute gibberish

This board runs smoothly, we address works as fellow artists. Our input is "explorative". And if we have nits we always find something about a piece that warrants positive feedback.

Please keep this in mind if in the future you are so inclined to participate on this board. And now that it comes to mind, I would be very interested in reading your own work. Please do feel free to post any verse you've written and I assure you you will get unbiased feedback.

Thank you. SilverMoon

MeeQ
July 21st, 2010, 02:13 AM
Rainhands- While I originally found your post insultingly passive aggressive, I have moved past this; and seen the criticism beneath. Thank you, sincerely.

Sweet Miss Moon- your words are always intoxicatingly needed. You have my thanks for both your understanding and prowess of my mindset. “Don't go’a chang'n”

Gumby- You have become quite the poetic weapon in my opinion; your words and grasp of emotion is incredible. And it makes me happy to see someone of your prestige enjoying my lowly thoughts.

MisterSpider- Before I send you a PM containing a link on how to kill yourself for cheap, I shall first say this: While your critique is most likely correct, and you have a fair grasp of logical boundaries of word. You lack tact, imagination and most likely the balls to even comprehend something over the forth wall. Oh, thanks for reading.

MisterSpider
July 21st, 2010, 03:24 AM
Dear MeeQ,

Since the semantic properties of your verse defy the Gricean maxims postulated in "Logic and Conversation", and you allude to a mysterious plane beyond the fourth wall, I am forced to conclude that "Goodnight Kids of Saturn" -- containing only esoteric references to Saturnalia and juvenilia -- is an exercise in amphigouri and paronomasia. To these ends, the poem is successful. However, the curious reader, seeking literary sustenance, will find themselves delirious under the haze of inanition that you have offered under the banner of Poetry.


-- Your beloved Araneae

SilverMoon
July 21st, 2010, 04:33 AM
Dearest MeeQ. Thank you for the thank you and I won't go’a chang'n. You're stuck with my ways ;-)

Xhale
July 21st, 2010, 05:00 AM
Dear MeeQ,

Since the semantic properties of your verse defy the Gricean maxims postulated in "Logic and Conversation", and you allude to a mysterious plane beyond the fourth wall, I am forced to conclude that "Goodnight Kids of Saturn" -- containing only esoteric references to Saturnalia and juvenilia -- is an exercise in amphigouri and paronomasia. To these ends, the poem is successful. However, the curious reader, seeking literary sustenance, will find themselves delirious under the haze of inanition that you have offered under the banner of Poetry.


-- Your beloved Araneae

I lol'd.

On a different note. I enjoyed the poem very much. It had a nice tempo and the word choice was delightful.

MeeQ
July 22nd, 2010, 12:59 AM
Glad to hear you enjoyed it Xhale; brilliant name choice by the way.